Today was pretty good.

Today was pretty good.  I woke up early and had my tea, and good conversation with Shaun.  I know I see him and talk to him all the time, but there is nothing like heart-to-heart talks full of reflection and questions and realizations and love.  It's hard to believe we've been together for 12 years.  For 9 years we worked at the same place.  For 8 years I was heavily involved in animal rescue / rehab.  For probably 7 of these years I've struggled with depression (not constantly, but about 7 years ago is when it started).  For 5 years I've been in college.  For two of our years together I struggled greatly with my physical health and psoriatic arthritis.  And there is so much that happened during all of that, too, for better or worse.

I don't know that I have a point with all of that.  I'm just feeling grateful for my best friend / partner in life.  I got an email from JSU recently about graduation regalia, and I think that spurred my thoughts as to how long I'd been working towards graduation and how large of a piece of our relationship school has been.  I know that a job will replace a chunk of my time very soon, but I think that not being tested constantly and actually reaping some of the rewards for my hard work will do me a lot of good - and by extension, Shaun and the kids, as well.  I'm pretty excited about that.

I've been trying to decide all day if I wanted to bother purchasing the cap and gown and all that since it's not likely there will be an actual graduation ceremony (or at least not one I'd feel safe to attend).  I'm also not having professional photos done, but I think it would be nice to have some pictures made with Dinorah at the school, and just have some of myself to mark the occasion.  I can't imagine that I will be nearly as excited without a ceremony; before the pandemic hit I told Shaun I wanted him to make the biggest deal out of graduation for me, but I don't see that being super easy to do as of right now.  That's ok.  I think all of us 2020 graduates probably feel a little cheated, but hey, real life is real life.

Anyway, I am heading to bed.  I have a Differential Equations exam in the morning.  I feel pretty good about it.  We'll see tomorrow if that's real or if it's just the antidepressants talking.  😝  Goodnight, friends!  ❤

Today felt like WORK.

Today felt like WORK.

I didn't sleep well due to lower back pain.  Shaun didn't sleep well, either.  Unfortunately, we had a lot to get done after he got off work this morning.

I called the vet because our cat, Tobi, started throwing up bile again last night.  A cortisone shot set him straight after a few days the last time this happened, so I wanted to get him in ASAP in hopes we could avoid days of sickness.  Balthazar also needed to see the vet because he's has a cold for several weeks now.  They are both medicated and home resting.  Balthi, btw, weighs in at mere 18 lbs.  He's just a little bundle of love!

I had my tele-health appointment.  As in - I called them several times after my appointment time had passed, paid over the phone, and then they asked me to come pee in a cup.  😂😂😂  Fun fact:  Labs show that I do NOT have a UTI, so I just have lower back pain and trouble feeling empty after I pee for some other reason that the doctor didn't seem interested in pursuing.  He did, however, notice that today was the 3-year anniversary of my last visit with them, so... while that was interesting, it wasn't helpful.

Kira also had an orthodontist appointment today.  They told her that the next wire she gets will be her last.  That is pretty exciting because she's been in braces for almost two years now.  I know she's ready to get them off and see how all these months of progress have turned out.

The other super fun thing we did today was order mealworms from PetSmart for curbside pickup - twice.  The first time Shaun ordered 100 and the order got canceled and it said that the 100 count was no longer in stock.  The second time he ordered 50 mealworms and even after several hours we hadn't received a notification to come and pick them up.  Since we were in the area after our appointments I decided to stop by PetSmart and call in.  When I asked the person who answered about the online order, she audibly huffed and said "Let me get the ipad."  Then she said that the order hadn't been picked yet.

That honestly wasn't a big deal to me - I could wait a bit, but I didn't want to drive home and then have to get back out.  When I told her I was in the area, she said that the guy who does it is busy and that I would have to wait for him to finish helping people with fish.  She was particularly rude, but I said it was ok and that I'd wait and we ended the call.  Not long after that, a guy came out and told me the order was canceled.  Since I needed bugs for Koopa he told me what they had in a small size and I ended up just going in to see them so I could get my little lizard some food.  On the bright side, Koopa seemed to really enjoy his wax worms when I got home.  We have plenty of those to hold him over until his ants arrive.

I don't even know what else to say about today besides that it was NOT fun.  We haven't spent this much time out or in public buildings since March.  It was really uncomfortable, and extremely tiring considering how vigilant we were.  And the number of people who wear masks incorrectly honestly astounded me.  If you weren't aware:  Your chin is not part of your respiratory system, but your nose is (which is what a mask is designed to cover).  I asked the nurse at the clinic if she felt safe.  She said yes.  The employee at PetSmart didn't seem as sure because people come in without masks and there is nothing they can do, but he said at least they have hand sanitizer everywhere.  I guess that is something, but honestly not enough.

Anyway, I'm exhausted.  I'm going to eat something quick and get to bed so I can wake up fresh enough to study some more for my exam on Thursday.  I feel pretty good about a good chunk of the material, but I want to be all the way ready.  We'll see if I manage to be as prepared as I feel that I am.  😆  So on that note, an early goodnight to you all.  I hope your day was ok.  ❤

Today has been a day.

Today has been a day.  I didn't sleep well because my lower back hurts.  I've been wondering off and on for a couple of weeks if I have a UTI, but secretly hoping that I did not because I didn't want to go to a doctor in person.  I think after today I can no longer deny it.  I called the CARES clinic and they will do a tele-health appointment with me in the morning.  I'm grateful to not have to go in, but a little sketchy of the idea of not having labs done.  I guess we'll see how that goes.  Until then I'm guzzling water and downing Tylenol for the pain.  Fun times.

In other super fun news:  I broke the power button on my phone about 6 weeks ago.  It's still attached and looks normal, but doesn't work at all.  I figured "Meh, no biggie unless I need to turn my phone off or on."  Well, it had been ok until today, when it VERY CLEARLY needed to be restarted.  I didn't know what to do, but Shaun found an accessibility menu that I could use rather than the power button.  Yay, right?  Well, it would have been yay had he hit the "Restart" option rather than the "Power Off" option.  🤦‍♂️

We spent hours figuring out how to turn my phone back on.  Thankfully, it is on and working fine and now I know what to do if it needs restarting again.  I was really hoping to not need to replace it before I get a job, so if it can hang in there just a few more months (which I think it can) I'll be happy.  We're prepaid and don't buy expensive phones and I've had this one a little over 2 years, so I feel that I've gotten my money's worth out of it.

Another little oddity of the day:  I tried to refill my Cymbalta a few days ago before I ran out and when I checked the status of the order today, my app said that there was a problem.  I called the pharmacy and was told that they were out but had ordered some.  Then they said they had some but couldn't find it.  Then they asked me if I'd be ok with a partial refill until the others came in.  Since no one told me of this issue ahead of time I agreed to the partial refill because I don't want to mess up my "taking my meds" schedule.  My sleep has finally gotten normal and I like that.  So I went to pick up my partial prescription and they gave me THREE. WHOLE. PILLS.  😂😂😂  Whatever.  At least I can take my medicine on time in the morning.

Anyway, I'm off to study while I feel somewhat ok.  I have an exam on Thursday and I only feel good on about half of the material.  Gotta get good on that other 50% so I can ace this class!  🤓

Friday was pretty good aside from Ruth Bader Ginsburg dying.

Friday was pretty good aside from Ruth Bader Ginsburg dying.  I felt good and had energy.  Shaun and I even went for a walk.  Afterwards, I was in my room watering plants when I heard the news that she passed away.  My heart sank immediately.  I felt sick.  I cried.

The stress and sorrow carried over into yesterday, waking me up early with a migraine brewing and no real hope of being a productive person.  I felt like trash all day.  I struggled to get my few daily chores done.  I did them, but that's it.  I abused my body by eating junk food.  I numbed my mind with goofy social media where I knew there would be no politics discussed.

Today, I am still holding tension in my body.  I did sleep plenty, but I had nightmares.  Unfortunately, even though I can wake up and mentally be glad those weren't real, my body holds the stress and that messes me up.  I'm about to take some Tylenol and do some stretches.  Then I'm going to tend to a few baby plants and do some math.  RBG wouldn't roll over and give up, so I won't, either.

In case anyone hasn't noticed (which, how can you not, with all of the articles going around and with friends and family falling into / deeper into depression) but a lot of Americans are super fragile right now, mental-health wise.  I think that if you're not feeling mentally unwell, you're either ignorant or choosing not to believe that things are bad for a lot of people.  Or if you do believe it you just don't care about people who aren't like you, which is even worse.  If any of that offends you, don't come for me.  Do some self-reflection instead.

I was super lucky, (and that IS what it is - LUCK) that I have friends who care for me enough to look out for my mental health, and who are also connected enough to help me.  Through an amazing friend I was set up with a fantastic doctor who is helping me keep my mental health on track at a fee I can afford, despite my non-insured status.  I am grateful.  If it wasn't for these two wonderful humans I have zero doubt that depression would have won and ruined my life.  I was not a functional person before switching medication; there is no way I'd be ok enough to pass my class this semester or be fit enough to be hired without medical intervention.

Personally, I don't feel that any citizen of a supposed first-world country should have to rely on luck to make it though life.  That is not fair.  There is no equity or equality in luck.  And DO NOT chime in with, "But you deserve..."  I loathe the word "deserve,"  at least in the way that most Americans use it.  I am a hard worker, but I know a lot of other hard workers, too, who are slipping through the cracks and I am no more deserving of help or care or compassion than they are.  Our government is broken.  Our people are suffering and dying.  We are living in the Divided States of Embarrassment.

I know that I have unanswered messages and un-replied to comments, but...

I know that I have unanswered messages and un-replied to comments, but I'm not feeling social media today.  It's got my anxiety up and that is the last thing I need considering that I woke up at 7 (on a freaking Saturday!) with a migraine brewing.  I haven't been able to get right all day.  I feel drowsy but can't nap (I've tried), my head is swimmy so studying is right out, and in general my body feels blah.  The most I've done today is binge watch the TwinisthenewTrend YouTube channel and binge eat chocolate chip cookies.  I don't know what I'm off to do, but I'm off.  Later, friends.

I dissent.

Copied so it doesn't disappear:

If she had lived 100 years it would have been too few.

In a world where women are expected to comply, she said "I dissent."

In a world where love has been kept in a box with rules, she said "I dissent."

In a world where borders are drawn tighter and walls are built higher, she said "I dissent."

In a world where fiction is told as truth and facts are twisted into lies, she said "I dissent."

And so, on a night when it feels like the pendulum has swung off its fulcrum, like there is no place to make a U-turn, like the darkness is winning, I will say - loudly so as to convince myself - I dissent.

For decades she stared unafraid into the faces of misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia, and bigotry, daring them to blink. She wrote reams and spoke volumes and did push-ups while her detractors... I don't know, ate cheeseburgers or whatever.

So because she did, I can. Because she did, I will.

Tonight feels like the end of something, but it doesn't have to be. This is a moment that, instead of being the death of hope, can be the birth of a renewed zeal. Giving up feels very easy, even warranted, but it also feels disrespectful to her memory. We can take this moment and turn it into a movement. We can, like the Notorious RBG, dissent. We can, like her, dissent until the very breath leaves our bodies.

Thank you, Honorable Justice Ginsburg. You fought harder and longer than you should have had to, for us, and we are so grateful. Rest well; you earned it.

Oyez, oyez, oyez.

Tonight, we cry. But tomorrow, we rise.

#NotoriousRBG #toomuch2020 #idissent

Linked because I'm not a thief:

By Lindsey Keirsey

Shedding tears for Ginsburg.

Shedding tears for Ginsburg. She was so badass and tried so hard. My heart is broken, and I'm scared for what her death means for America.

If you disagree, I'm sorry, but absolutely fuck off right now. I am not in the mood.