Look at this dog.

Look at this dog. Look at her stupid face. 😂😂😂

She seems to enjoy being tucked in usually but her face looks like she's in the middle of a crisis. Why, Rose? Whyyy?

(OMG, turn it sideways and it's somehow funnier. 🤣🤣🤣)

Today was my first trip to a skate park...

Today was my first trip to a skate park and it was SO MUCH FUN. There are several nearby that I'd like to check out but this was the first. There were 3 skateboarders there when we arrived but they left after a while so Shaun and I had the whole place to ourselves.

I tried rolling up a ramp and immediately fell flat on my ass. 😂 I knew I would but had to give it a shot anyway. I'm pretty proud of my progress, though. I am getting far more confident on my feet. I'm rolling faster and handling cracks and gravel without fear. I can bubble backwards and forwards. I can turn. I usually plow stop but can use my toe stop a little.

There is another stop I want to learn, and besides that I'd like to be able to skate backwards without having to do bubbles. Then maybe I can try tricks or ramps or whatever. In the meantime I'm just gonna keep trying and hopefully my stamina and balance will continue to improve.

I'm so excited. I never really thought of myself as athletic on any level but I'm really happy that I can do a thing with my body and actually see and feel improvement. I've found my exercise that doesn't feel like exercise and I'm so grateful. It's life-changing.

Also, look at that view. I love it here. ❤️

I've seen a lot of posts recently about supporting small and local businesses...

I've seen a lot of posts recently about supporting small and local businesses because of the pandemic and the supply chain issues so I thought it might be an appropriate time to renew my Etsy listings.  For anyone who didn't know me back when I was heavy into making jewelry:  I made it with nail polish.  Some of it came out pretty nice and I traveled (usually with my mom and brother) doing events and selling there.  It was a good time, but between some health issues and college I could no longer find time to make things or do events and well, then the pandemic and etc...  basically all of my supplies and already-made items ended up in the closet.

I'm gonna be honest and say that I don't know if I'll actually end up reviving Polish All the Things for really-realz... I'm kind of more health- and career- focused at this point in my life.  I would love to get back into nail art just for myself because it's a self-care thing.  I've already starting making time for keeping my claws polished so that's a step in the right direction.  I don't know if making jewelry will ever be a part of my life again, but if it does I can't imagine it being a MAJOR part.  I don't know.  It's fun and stress-relieving and I DO have a ton of polish...  But anyway, if you see something you want I'd say get it before it's gone.  I really can't make any guarantees at this point.

So without further blah blah, here's the link to my shop.  I've got a table full of jewelry that apparently never made it to Etsy so that'll hopefully get up there this weekend.  But yeah, that's all for now.

Thank you, friends.  ❤

https://www.etsy.com/shop/PolishAllTheThings

I'd like to get up, but...

I'd like to get up, but this is my current lap situation. I suppose I've had worse problems. 😂😂😂

💯

 

Oh look. It's me.

I've had a really nice day today.

I've had a really nice day today. I pretty much spent time with my favorite people - the kids and Shaun. Everyone has made me feel really special and loved. So far, 39 feels pretty good! 😊😊😊

Here's my birthday loot:

Shaun gave me skate accessories and LIGHT UP WHEELS. 😍😍😍

I also got this hilarious tea sampler. I can't wait to try some tonight.

Shadow got me this mug and Kira made me a super sweet card filled with stickers and yummy candy. These kiddos melt my heart. 💗

After we all ate lunch and hung out I skated in the garage. After I got bored of that I went around the kitchen for a bit. I'm so ready to go back to a park but it's getting cold. Anyway, I feel like I'm improving and I'm really excited about it.

I'm off to relax and maybe watch skate videos to see what else I can learn. Thank you all for the birthday wishes. Y'all are the sweetest! ❤️

I got my shoe rack built...

I got my shoe rack built and I really like the look of my closet. So organized! It cost me a deep-ish slice of finger and that's not the most fun, but it's ok.

Yesterday also went as planned. We went to the tea place and the market and the boba shop. I got a few new teas to try: an oolong, a white, a green, and a biscochito green. I'm gonna brew up a cup of the green after dinner. 😊 I didn't get many fancy flavors (this time) because I wanted to see what each tea is about by itself. Kira also scored at the Mexican market. She found some things that she used to like to eat when she lived with her father. Then we visited the boba shop and got tasty treats. 😁

Today has been pretty good so far. I slept well and got up at a good time. Shaun and I cleaned out and repaired a large outdoor storage box that came with the house and I moved my plant junk into it. It looks a lot nicer than leaving it strewn around and it's so large I even put the plant stuff I was storing in the garage in it.

So speaking of "stored in the garage"... This is an onion that the kids accidentally hit with a shovel while doing some yard work in Talladega. They wanted to save it so we tried. Before we moved it started to look rotten but I guess it got packed and came with us. Apparently, this thing lived through 2 days in the U-Haul and now after over 2 months of being packed away in the garage it's sprouting! Nature is WILD! 😂😂😂

Anyway, I skated a bit today and I am so shocked with how comfortable I felt on my feet despite how long it's been since my last time. I did bubbles forwards and backwards and used my brakes some. It feels so weird learning to control my body in different ways - basically so that I can ride my feet. 😂 I love it, though.

Anyway, I'm off to repaint my nails. My polish is chipping and that just won't do. I hope you all are having a nice Tuesday. I guess I'm on an upswing so I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. ❤️

My mood has been so up and down lately.

My mood has been so up and down lately. I spent a couple of days having fun and skating, then a couple of days on the couch with a down mood, then a couple of days going hard on the housework, and today was back on the couch. Somewhere in all of that I painted my nails for the first time in AGES and it almost made me cry because I'd missed it so much.

I don't really know what to do in order to regulate myself. I'm not stressed about anything that I can pinpoint. The job search is going fine. Shaun and the kids are great. The animals are fine. I need to water my plants (desperately), but other than that I'm ok.

Tomorrow we're taking some extra trash from the garage to the dump. Then we're going to New Mexico Tea Company because I just accidentally discovered it online and now desperately need to go to there. Kira found a Mexican supermarket that she wants to go to, as well. Maybe I'll get lucky and we'll also stop by Hi BoBa. Their Taro tea is awesome. Shadow had a green tea with cream cheese foam that was shockingly very good. So anyway, if tomorrow goes as planned I'll only have spent today on the couch instead of the two days that would be next in my pattern.

I hope you all are doing well. I'm off to put together a shoe rack for my closet, then I'm taking a shower and calling it a night. ❤️

How is he sleeping nose-planted like this?!

How is he sleeping nose-planted like this?! It's making my chest tight just thinking about it.

Poor Cub has such a hard time. Rose drains his life force, I guess. 😂😂😂

When I say she doesn't leave him alone...

When I say she doesn't leave him alone...

I firmly believe this is why he leaves. 😂😂😂

Me and Shaun spent yesterday moving stuff and cleaning out the garage.

Me and Shaun spent yesterday moving stuff and cleaning out the garage. We're far from finished, but now we can skate in there when we put the cars out. 😁 I'm pretty excited about that.

Perhaps an even bigger deal:  We put all of our photos in the same place. We have a photo cabinet now. We're straight up acting like a family over here. 😂😂😂

I think I know why Cub was so unsettled last night.

I think I know why Cub was so unsettled last night. These coyotes? foxes? were in our yard, playing with his toys and peeing on his bones. Poor traumatized puppy. 😂😂😂

Last night was ROUGH. Or should I say "ruff"? 😂

Last night was ROUGH. Or should I say "ruff"? 😂

We hear the coyotes howling on the mesa pretty often. No big deal. We also know they come into the neighborhood because we caught that one on our doorbell cam. But last night was different. They weren't just howling; they were yipping and making a lot of noise. And they sounded pretty close.

They were noisy but not too disturbing. Cubba, on the other hand, was roaring and barking and growling like it was the apocalypse. Inside the house because we can't leave him alone outside, obviously. (He pulled another fast one on us just the other day, except he climbed over into the neighbor's yard and climbed back when we went to get him. Then of course greeted us in the house like nothing happened. 😂) But yeah, last night he was inconsolable.

That sucked because I was SO EXHAUSTED. I vacuumed the whole house yesterday (stairs, too - ugh) except for the kids' bedrooms because they are responsible for those. Then I shampooed the carpet downstairs. It was WORK and I was so tired. Then the dog wasn't trying to let me sleep.

On the bright side the carpet was totally dry 2 hours later. 😮🤯 When I painted a while back the rooms were dry to the touch in like, 15 minutes. I still love it here. The moral of the story? The desert is magical, and Cubba is an asshole. 😂😂😂 (He's not, really. He's just super smart and friendly and sometimes bored and sometimes [rarely, honestly] really scared / alarmed. It happens.)

Protect innocent black boys the way you protect guilty white boys.

Protect innocent black boys the way you protect guilty white boys.

Period.

Foam so thick the spoon stands up.

Foam so thick the spoon stands up.

For the last month or so...

For the last month or so someone has been sending their Amazon orders to our address. It's not the same people we bought the house from. We can't find this mystery person on Facebook or NextDoor to let them know what's going on. Both Shaun and I have called Amazon and they say if the address on the package matches ours then there is nothing they can do. They've told us both that we are free to keep, throw away, or donate whatever shows up.

So far, we've gotten a 3-pack of Scotch tape, some solar lights, a package of 3 knock-off iPhone charging cables, and a tackle box.

The first 2 times this happened we were concerned because we know how much it sucks to look forward to a delivery that's not coming. At this point, though, we're over it. We just open it up and see what it is. 😂 We might put all the stuff inside the tackle box and save it up in case we ever find out who's doing this. Like, "Here's all your stuff. We kept it safe." It's so bizarre to us because none of us would be repeating that mistake.

In other Amazon news:  I ordered an electronic tea kettle and some 16-ounce mugs from there. They weren't shipped before the day they were supposed to be delivered and I got annoyed with waiting so I canceled the order last night. Amazon let me know that I could expect a refund in a few days. The package showed up just a few minutes ago. I guess I'm not complaining about free tea accessories. 😁😁😁

Cubba isn't thrilled...

Cubba isn't thrilled that his butt is now being snuggled by Balthazar. He feels he's gotta sleep with one eye on this cat. 😂😂😂

I walked by a window that had the blinds slightly cracked...

I walked by a window that had the blinds slightly cracked and the color streaming in was otherworldly. I had to go outside. Here's a completely unedited photo of the sunset.

Skate Update:

Skate Update:

Me and Shaun went back to the same park today. I didn't fall at all. I practiced "bubbles" and using my brakes.

If you don't know what bubbles are it's probably easier for you to see it on YouTube than for me to explain it, but it's basically starting with your heels in a pizza (or "V" shape), rolling forward to a comfortable width and then continuing forward eventually ending up with your toes in a pizza. I tried my hardest yesterday but could not do it. I did them today, though, and even did some backwards! You kind of need to do a squat and squeeze your legs open and closed when you do them and when I tell you that I probably looked like the Hulk tryna take a dook on the ball court I am being so serious. 😂😂😂 I was squeezing with everything I had! I feel like I'm gonna feel those "bubbles" tomorrow. 😂😂😂

Anyway, I also used my toe stop some. First time ever! It was scary because I think I lean forward when skating so dragging a toe propels the rest of me forward and I feel like I'mma fall on my face. Shaun told me to stand up straighter and that made a huge difference. I probably exaggerated that move, too. I'm pretty sure I puffed up like a bird who was about to fight. 😂 I bet I look ridiculous as hell when I'm skating but at least I'm having fun!

We took a different route today and found another park. One with a pool and an observatory, and OH YEAH - A SKATE PARK! 🤯🤯🤯 Like 5 minutes from our house! There were adults and kids out there skating and it looked so fun. Maybe once I'm a little more sure on my feet I'll have the nerve to go there. I definitely don't yet. It's a little small and I'm just not into running anyone's kids over.

Also, I reached out to a local derby team and they were super welcoming. I'm planning on going to skate practice with them on Tuesday. I'm really excited. I'm sure it'll be fun and maybe I'll learn some stuff and even make some friends. I'll let y'all know how that goes. 😊

Chilly morning.

Chilly morning.

Cozy pups.

Yesterday morning Shaun burned a wax melt.

Yesterday morning Shaun burned a wax melt. I noticed when I woke up that the glass holding the wax had been tilted and wax was pouring down the wall.

Yesterday evening I was chilling on the couch with the cats and started to get a headache from too much smell. I checked around to make sure nothing was lit and even went to Shaun's game room to see if he had incense burning or something. Nope.

Was talking to Shadow this morning and he mentioned that Balthazar had something in his chest fur that smelled nice.

Balthazar was the cat cuddling near my face yesterday. Apparently, he's the one who bumped the wax warmer and also gave me a headache.

Mysteries solved. 😂😂😂

Soo... skating went better than expected.

Soo... skating went better than expected. We went to the park near our house. There is what used to be an outdoor basketball court that no longer has hoops that me and Shaun skated on. There were some gravels and some cracks and it wasn't perfectly even, but it was good. I spent some time on YouTube last night watching videos on how to fall and how to handle rocks and cracks and all that since I knew I'd likely not be on a perfect surface. I believe it paid off. 😁

So I only fell once but I took the advice of Indy Jamma Jones and took a knee when I knew I was going down and much to my shock it didn't hurt at all. 🤯 I mean, I was wearing padding (safety first!) but that was pretty cool. Getting back up was more of an ordeal. 😂😂😂 In my defense I lost my balance going over one of the gnarlier cracks so it wasn't like I just went down without cause. What's dumb is that I'd gone over it a few times already, but faster. When I hit it slow it was no good. Now I know.

I tried skating when I got home but my cul-de-sac is on a hill and while I know in my head the moves I need to do to go up a hill I am clearly not there yet. 😂😂😂 Also, the road is nice but wayyy bumpier then where we went earlier and I had trouble even going perpendicular to the hill. So I need more practice.

At the suggestion of a friend I looked to see if there is a derby team in my area and there is. They practice a few times per week so I've sent them a message to see if I can come along. I'm excited and I hope to hear back soon. Maybe they'll get me rolling fancy in short order. 😃

Freshly re-laced with toe caps on.

Freshly re-laced with toe caps on. About to take these beauties to the park (a regular park, not a skate park yet) and see if I can stay upright. 😂😂😂 I have padding and a helmet now so hopefully it'll be fun either way.

Super wishing it wasn't a pandemic and that I felt comfortable going to a skating rink. I never got to go a ton when I was younger but always enjoyed it when I did. Maybe things will be safer next year and I can have my 40th birthday party at a rink. That sounds amazing. 😁😁😁

I hope you all are having a nice Saturday. I'm about to get some exercise and sunshine. ❤️❤️❤️

We went to Sandia Crest today.

We went to Sandia Crest today. It was a beautiful drive up. We even saw a deer.

There's a "Snow Play" area that I imagine will have snow soon. I wonder if that's exactly what it sounds like. 😂 Lots of trails and picnic areas to explore. Shaun is excited. He loves mountains. I'm less athletic but I'm up for the exercise.

Afterwards, we had a little dinner date. Shaun and I needed a getaway. I ate a strawberry crêpe for dessert. It wasn't flaky like I remember from French class in high school, but it was tasty. All in all it was a pretty nice day. 😊

Decaf Vanilla Comoro...

Decaf Vanilla Comoro with steamy frothed milk in my cute owl mug - something warm and comforting this evening.

I've been in my head a lot lately, for better or worse. I guess better because I'm working through some things. Maybe worse because I should probably be seeing a therapist and focusing on this house and my job search. I can't always control my brain, though.

In any case I'm feeling a bit better today. I went out to watch the dogs because it's "take your trashcan to the curb" day and they were barking at the neighbors. I apologized for their rudeness and played with them a bit to distract them. Then Shaun came out and asked if I'd be up for playing badminton with him (he bought a cheap setup recently and we hadn't used it yet). I guess I was into it because we played for a couple of hours. It was silly fun because we were playing with the dogs the whole time, too. I needed that. I needed to get out of my head for a while.

I told Shaun I wanted to find a helmet tomorrow so I can skate. One of the last times I skated I fell flat backwards like a starfish and hit my head. I was indoors that time but there are lots of places to skate outside here but they are concrete, so, you know - I'd rather not bust my melon. 😂 I'm really hoping that indulging in things I enjoy will help me feel better. Sounds super obvious when I spell it out like that, but usually when my mood is down I'm not interested or motivated.

Anyway. We'll see how the helmet search goes. I also need to find some good succulent dirt. I've been recommended one by someone I trust so now it's just a matter of whether I can find it locally or not. Guess I'm looking for a lot of things right now. Job, helmet, dirt. What a list. 😂

Well, I hope y'all are doing well. I'm better today than yesterday, so I can't complain. Have a good one, friends. ❤️

My anxiety is up.

My anxiety is up. Probably because I'm officially job-looking. 😬 I've been having nightmares and sleeping a lot. I can tell my mental health is trying to slip but I'm hanging in here. One thing I've promised myself is that after I'm working I get to join a gym. I desperately miss yoga and being left alone to focus on only myself for a bit.

I went out back to have tea and try to chill down. The dogs were in a playful mood, so we played. The sunset was gorgeous. Probably would have been a real sight to see from our little balcony, but that's ok.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm going to be fine. I've just been through a lot of change over the last couple of years and I'm so ready to settle down and find my new normal. Living in flux is so tiresome. Hopefully I'll be done with that soon. ❤️

Went outside to water some succulents and...

Went outside to water some succulents and we saw an afternoon balloon. I bet it's lovely to ride this time of day.

Why, Rose? Why are you like this?! 😂😂😂

Why, Rose? Why are you like this?! 😂😂😂

This is the temporary doggie door setup. It'll be like this for a couple of weeks until the sunroom is built.

This dog is doing the most tonight, for real. She DESPERATELY wants Cubba to come out and play with her.

Shaun put this sticker on my boyfriend's head almost 2 hours ago...

Shaun put this sticker on my boyfriend's head almost 2 hours ago when he was building shelves. Boyfriend doesn't care. He agrees - he's rated E for Everyone. 😂😂😂

Me, this time last year. 😂😂😂

Me, this time last year. 😂😂😂

I miss having a math class, for real, though. 💔

I just laughed too hard at this dog.

I just laughed too hard at this dog. Shaun is about to put a shelf together and moved the coffee table towards the couch so he'd have room. Rose went from chilling peacefully to having yote herself over the back of the couch in 0.25 seconds flat.

This is the super-comfortable face and half-sit she's doing now that he put her back. Why does she think everything is murder?! 😂😂😂

I very nearly just cried in Wal-Mart.

I very nearly just cried in Wal-Mart.

Our insurance is free.

We have 24/7 access to a nurse via phone for free.

We can have Teledoc appointments for free, including therapy.

I just got 3 months worth of anti-anxiety and depression meds for free, as well as my migraine meds and Kira's birth control.

If you've never felt so grateful for medication that you could literally cry then consider yourself lucky. This is life-saving and life-changing and I just don't have all of the words to express myself right now.

It's been an emotional day. 😂😂😂

[For Context:  New Mexico expanded Medicaid. Alabama did not. We have free Medicaid through the state until I get a job and get us something else.]

Y'all got me so triggered, for real.

Y'all got me so triggered, for real.

I did not spend 5 years in college doing some really hard shit just to squat out another baby in my 40s. I'm tryna live my truth so let me be honest real quick:  If I got pregnant right now I'd have to bippity-boppity-abort that thing. With my rotten-eggs having ass. 😂😂😂

Y'all just threw me back to the barely pre-teen "virginal" days when I couldn't have a stomach bug without being interrogated about whether I was pregnant. Then to the little bit older days when I was statutorily raped by a grown-ass man. And to the days of not being allowed a baby shower because I was "an unwed mother and it's improper." And then to the days of trying to navigate raising MY child not only as a single parent AND young person starting out on their own but with someone actively plotting against me and trying to take him (most of my high school friends didn't see the struggle of that last one so I ain't mad at'cha).

DESPITE all that I loved and continue to love being a parent. I got 2 of the coolest people I know in my life because of that. But for the first time in my entire whole ass life I have complete control (as much as one can, anyway) and I'm not giving that up to make another human.

And, there is this:  I've evolved beyond "womanhood." I haven't identified as "female" in years. I've posted in words that I'm genderqueer and about how excited I am to have an "X" on my ID. I haven't posted a pic of myself in ages because being told that I'm beautiful or pretty feels wrong and uncomfortable. I know y'all are just trying to boost ya girl when you do that and I love and appreciate our sisters being shown love but I'm no longer a sister - I'm a sibling. I can't pretend to know where I fit anymore but I know where I don't.

At this stage in my life I consider myself a parent. I don't feel like "motherhood" is accurate for my here and now and as fucked up as it might sound it's because I'm happy. For me, being / becoming a mother was a traumatizing, scary, isolating experience where I was given the greatest gift I've ever received yet simultaneously ostracized for receiving that gift. I was so much more alone than most of you knew - it literally was just me and my Shadow for a long time and I was so small, y'all. I... uh... god damn, I'm crying.

I can't act like there are times that I don't yearn to mix my DNA with Shaun's. I know he would cherish me and our li'l big head, pale-ass baby offspring. He would help me with the sickness and I wouldn't be worried about losing my place as Section Leader at band camp. He wouldn't cheat on li'l delicate, precious, pregnant me and give me Chlamydia and disappear leaving me to struggle with the enormity of what was happening to my body and my life alone. It would be beautiful and amazing and this fantasy child would have it so much better than what I was able to provide alone.

But see, that's not the timeline we're living in. Here in this reality I'll be 39 years old this month. I (willingly and happily) spent my youth raising my child. I now have psoriatic arthritis and it's better for my joints to keep my weight down. I'd like to start strength training to help ward off osteoporosis and get this body right. Between college and mental health issues over the past few years I've neglected me. And me (whoever they is now) deserves my care, too; I should get to see myself through to my final form. I'm not finished growing yet.

I don't know. These are my "I got up to pee and I can't fall back asleep" thoughts. If you feel more confused about who I am than you were before you read this, then welcome to my world. I've been struggling with it for years. I'm at that "caterpillar is goo" stage of life, so just bare (it all) with me, I guess.

Together for 10-ish years + married for 3-ish.

Together for 10-ish years + married for 3-ish.

Today we got a joint bank account.

I know we're "slow" about everything we do, but I prefer to think of it as logical and deliberate. We didn't rush out and live together or combine everything the minute we got married. For me, that's a positive because we're still actively choosing each other after all of this time in. We're stretching our joining OOUUTT and I really enjoy it.

I know what's next but y'all ain't ready for that one. 😏