I accomplished a few small things today...

I wish I was only tired in the way that sleep helps...

I wish I was only tired in the way that sleep helps. But it's in my bones.

I slept late, napped for 3 hours, and I'm about to go back to bed.

Still haven't made it upstairs once before I'm tired. I can't even do my action steps yet.

I hate this part of the cycle.

A kick and a toothy kiss from Bear. 😊

A kick and a toothy kiss from Bear. 😊

Kiss him back!

I found a place that is going to assess me for Autism/ADHD...

I found a place that is going to assess me for Autism/ADHD on March 3rd.

I spent 5.5 hours doing the preliminary forms last night. I started after class and finished at 2:30 this morning.

How Bear was lookin'...

How Bear was lookin' when I was vacuuming out the greenhouse the other day. He noped all the way across the yard. 😂😂😂 Lookin' with the big eyes so the vacuum doesn't get him. 😂

I have to figure myself out.

I have to figure myself out.

Before I get into that, I'm starting a new job this month. I'm going to be teaching the ServiceNow Certified System Administrator course at CNM. I'm super excited and grateful for the opportunity; although a bit nervous because this will be my first time leading a class. Everyone seems to have a lot of confidence in me, though, so I think it will be great.

It's an evening class and it's a part time gig, but that gives me time to complete the UI/UX class I am currently taking. So Monday - Thursday evenings will be classes I'm taking or teaching, as well as Saturday 9-1. This leaves most of my days flexible, but not necessarily free.

I met with the NMSBDC (New Mexico Small Business something something) yesterday about BluPrint Design. They helped me with a lot of information and next action steps to complete to be fully in compliance with state and federal laws. We'll follow up in 3 weeks about what I've checked off the list and what comes next.

The thing I need to figure out about myself is how to function as my own boss (in regards to BluPrint).

I have no formal diagnosis yet, but I am certain that I'm neurodivergent. I basically have two modes:  On, and off.

For example, from December to the beginning of February, I was "On." I ate, slept, and breathed the PolishAllTheThings app. I didn't spend quality time with Shaun, the kids, or the pets. I ate like shit and slept like shit. Time ceased to exist. It was all a blur.

Then I got it mostly to where it needs to be, and now I'm "Off. " I'm sleeping a ton, doing nothing, not getting out of bed unless I have something in the calendar. Yes, some other stressful things have been going on, but I haven't touched the app or checked how many users I have in over a week. I've been eating my usual breakfast, but other than that, having Oreo's and milk for other meals if Shaun doesn't make us something. Still not spending quality time with anyone, even when I miss them.

Neither of these states of being are very healthy for me, but this is how I exist when left to my own devices. I need to find a way to exist in the in-between. I need to work on things most days, and eat and sleep and wake up consistently. But I'm tired of beating myself up over this. I'm tired of feeling like I'm failing at life because I struggle to live it like "everyone else."

Working full-time for a company has always felt like a prison to me. Maybe being my own boss in some capacity will allow me the space to explore what can work for me. Maybe I can find a way to work WITH my brain instead of against it. I'm hoping so.

For now, I've given myself some action steps to take.

1. Go upstairs to my bedroom and do my night routine before I'm exhausted and fighting Executive Dysfunction. Just be ready for the tiredness that inevitably comes every day and be ready to accept the rest I need. This is the opposite of what I've done my whole life, which is stay busy until I can't keep my eyes open, then go do my night routine which wakes me up, then read until I'm finally tired again.

2. If I intend to do it, it goes in the calendar. Watering my plants. Skating. Taking a class. Changing my sheets. Teaching a class. Friend dates. Work for BluPrint. Things I want to accomplish around the house. If it's not in my calendar, it doesn't really exist, so I don't wake up and I can push things off instead of doing them when they need to be done.

I know that's only 2 things, but this is where I'm starting. Lists are usually my go-to, but without a time constraint to get things done, they can just keep growing and growing, which is the situation I'm finding myself in now.

I had to text Shaun to help me wake up today. He came up and talked to me and helped me with some chores. Then I got dressed and wrote this. I'm about to head downstairs for breakfast (yes, at 2:30 pm). I am 100% aware that I'm a mess, but it's ok. I love me and I've managed to do some cool shit despite bullying myself into functioning "normally." Now I'm privileged enough to try a new approach and that's gonna be acceptance, gentleness, and love (and maybe medication if I can ever get diagnosed).

If y'all have any suggestions for me, I'd love to hear them. I'm just out here trying my best. ❤️

Am I so obviously traumatized...

Am I so obviously traumatized that Facebook is advertising this to me?!

🤣🤣🤣

I have a job lined up. I don't think I need to join the Twerkforce just yet. 😂