I'm still not feeling super social, but...

I'm still not feeling super social, but I'm starting to feel agitation from unread/unreplied-to notifications.  So if I respond to something you messaged or commented to me weeks ago, I apologize, but it is what it is.

On another note:

I love you.  Hang in there.  💙

Edited to add:  I got the comments knocked out.  Don't have the energy for whole messages yet.  But maybe this is a sign of return to personhood.  We will see.

Me...

Me, as young as I can remember, communicating with, understanding, and befriending animals.  They always say what they mean.

Me, in kindergarten, writing to the middle of the page with my left hand, and then switching to my right to finish out the page because I wanted things to be fair.

Me, in grade school, wondering if I would ever have friends whose parents weren't friends with my parents first.

Me, at 15 on my first trip to Six Flags, wondering why I hated having fun.

Me, in my teens, watching people succumb to peer pressure while remaining impervious to it.

Me, in my early 20s, deciding that I was done participating in the cycle of removing my body hair.  If men didn't have to, then I didn't, either.

Me, in my early 20s, figuring out that shaving my head made it easier to medicate/control my psoriasis, and that having skin flakes in long hair was a sensory nightmare I no longer had to endure.

Me, in my early 20s, finally out on my own, starting to struggle with schedules and routines and wondering how everyone else did it.

Me, in my late 20s, watching my 6th grade child set an alarm, shower, and catch the bus by himself because I wasn't a reliable, on-time, ride to school.

Me, in my 30s, looking back at the cycle of go hard/burn out, feeling like a broken person because "Why am I like this?"

Me, in my 30s, feeling the weight of everything crash down.  Full-blown depression, nothing in life accomplished, and barely able to walk due to psoriatic arthritis.  Heavily dependent on antidepressants, and Shaun body-doubling my life to drag me out of that hell.

Me, in my 40s, burned out.  Exhausted.  Confused.  Autistic.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm. Just had a breakfast of 1/2 of an Impossible Whopper and a few sips of Dr. Pepper - definitely not my morning routine. Definitely not the kind of meals I usually eat.

I'm in a funk.

I'm still on the strugglebus back to personhood...

I'm still on the strugglebus back to personhood, but I'm getting there - baby-step by baby-step.

I have been trying to prioritize self-care and doing things I love.  I did some basic nail care the other day, as well as watered my plants (a little later than I wanted to, but they're ok).  I have still been resting a lot.  Still not making plans.  Just existing and trying to find my way back.

This afternoon while I was doing my "morning" routine, Shaun asked me for help with something.  It was simple and he could handle it and my routine is important, so I told him I wanted to have my (freshly made) tea right then.  I wasn't opposed to helping him later if he still needed it (he didn't)(also, it wasn't an urgent task), but there was nothing wrong with protecting my routine since it helps me start my day.  I always knew I hated to be disturbed when I'm DOING A THING, like my routine, but I never realized how actually dysregulating it was.

I didn't grow up being able to say "No", and I've carried that with me my whole life.  It made me into a people-pleaser (even though I know that wasn't the intent).  Anytime anyone asks me for something, whether it's my time or money or work or sympathy or attention or anything, I usually just drop what I'm doing and say "Yes."  It never mattered if I wanted to; other people's wants came first.  It didn't matter if it caused me distress; saying "No" often caused more.  So now I'm working HARD to undo that.

Shaun and Kira were talking earlier while I was trying to work on something, and after a bit it started to bother me.  I said "I'm starting to feel overstimulated.  I need some quiet."  Kira said ok and went upstairs.  I told Shaun to kiss me goodnight and go away.  And he did and I was happy about it.

I am thankful that the 3 people I spend the most time around are not offended by this.  I am thankful that they understand my preferred style of communication, and respect my communicated needs.  I think they are exactly who I need to keep practicing with until I'm confident enough to be more myself, more often.  The real challenge is going to be not fawning outside of this house.

This is how I'm doing.  This is me, unmasking.  This is me, not putting myself last.

It feels weird, but I'm not going to stop.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.  But I'm gonna have a ramble because it helps me.  I know I have messages and comments waiting for my response, and I will get to them when I have more energy.  I'm still functioning in battery saver mode.

I watered all of my greenhouse plants today.  Adding an extra watering tray and bucket made it possible to get that done in one afternoon, so that's nice.  I know that sounds like an energetic activity, but it was supposed to be done on Sunday (rather than today, Tuesday); today was just 1) the first time I was out of bed early enough in the day to do it, and 2) the first time I felt like I could move my body that much.  My succulents are a special interest of mine, so it gives me some dopamine to go out there and just exist with them.  Also, the weather was really great.

I have a bunch of plants on my potting desk that need to be taken care of.  I thought about tackling those today, too, but... I've realized that I spend my energy like a poor person spends money.  (I both grew up and raised a child below the poverty line, so I literally know what it's like.)  That is, to say:  I use it (energy/money) when I have it.  But much like money, if I always spend what I have, how do I ever build up a reserve?  Speaking physically, how do I store up enough energy to climb out of this damn hole?

While I'm over here trying to navigate the Autistic burnout I've found myself in, I've learned that I struggle with poor interoception.  If I can't even tell when I have to use the bathroom before it's a peemergency, how am I supposed to know what my energy level is?  Because I definitely do not.  And I will tell you now that looking back over my adult life, I have consistently worked in cycles of go hard/burn out.  It doesn't matter if it's cleaning the house or a project or a hobby or what... I will find a way to not approach the task with balance.

What's messed up is that it's not intentional.  Yes, the feeling of getting something done after a "go hard" feels great.  People are like "Wow, you did so much!"  And I did!  And it's done!  But the crash after sucks, and it's getting harder to recover from as I age.  Slow and steady is NOT fun for me.  It is NOT rewarding.  It is boring.  I like getting one thing done and then moving onto the next.  But society doesn't function that way, and in order to fit into society in some capacity (like hold a job so I can support myself), I have to do things in ways that do not feel natural to me.

If it was acceptable to create an app in 6 weeks and then ONLY rest for the next 6 weeks, I'd probably be ok.  But society expects constant output.  I do have a family and pets and friends.  I have a house and yard and job (and up until last week, school, as well).  All of those things come with demands on my time and energy, so there is no pure rest for 6 weeks.  Therefore, I can't let my battery get this low again.

Maybe it will be healthier in the long run to budget my energy; I really don't know.  But what I do know is that I don't know how to tell how much energy I do have; really, I can only tell when I'm definitely out, so this is tricky as shit.  1 energy could = 1 million energy as far as I know.  Either I feel like doing things or I do not, just like I either have to pee or I do not.

Anyway.  I think I'm going to bed.  Whatever my energy budget was for the day, I definitely spent some, so I'd better go replenish it before I accidentally overdraw (again).

If y'all have any tips for me on how to tell how I feel, I'd love for you to share.  I can use all of the help I can get!

💙

A few recent flowers.

A few recent flowers. Can't believe I missed the white one; it was only open for a few hours. And the last one wasn't able to fully open because of the spines.

Why does he look fake sometimes?

Why does he look fake sometimes? Like there's a puppet just laid out in my floor. 😂😂😂

His lips! 🤣