So... I start my summer class on Monday. I'm not excited about it. It's a proof class (Abstract Algebra) and one that I struggled with a couple of semesters ago. Due to COVID it's going to be online which I'm glad about for safety purposes, but I am nervous that I will struggle and not have as easy access to the professor for help. As a backup plan I've also registered for the same class in the fall (along with my final math, Differential Equations). One way or another I am finishing school this year.
I feel like I've had a nice long break (for once) from school. I needed that because for the first time in ages I feel rested. I do feel guilty for "wasting" time, though. I've spent so much time chilling and playing games and watching shows and of course hanging out with Shaun and the kids. I know that most people wouldn't celebrate a layoff but just DAMN. I love Shaun so much and he deserved a break and it's been so nice just having time to hang out. I've even starting playing Xbox games with him. Ok, yes - he had to get me a special small controller and yes - I am super picky about what I'll play, but I'm enjoying myself. Honestly, after all of the arthritis I've had in my hands before I never thought I'd play controller games again so I'm enjoying this until I can't.
Anyway, since I got rid of my house in mid-March I had a ton of stuff to go through / donate / organize. We went through all of our stuff but the pandemic shut everything down before we could donate all of what we wanted to donate. So that still needs to be finished, but isn't urgent. There are still some things that need to be cleaned / organized, too, but that is also not urgent. On top of that I wanted to finish painting the hall and paint the bathroom, but I didn't get to that. I did, however, check a lot of smaller projects off my list so that was nice.
One big thing that I'm disappointed I didn't finish was getting my CSA certificate. I had planned to take that exam before I started back to school. I did take the class which was a huge step for me. I have a year to take the exam and I WILL do it. I have had plenty of time if you just consider the days / weeks / months. But mentally and emotionally I have been struggling and I know that many of you have, as well. My ability to stay focused is not what it used to be, unfortunately.
Me, Shaun, and the kids have been taking the pandemic extremely seriously since March so we've only seen each other. I haven't seen my friends or other family (mom, dad, brother) since probably before March since school was kicking my ass. We started doing curbside pickup for groceries and Amazon deliveries for animal food. The only outings we've had have been if we decided to go walking. Needless to say, it's been a big change and we believe we are doing the smart and safe things, but it isn't always fun.
Add to that the fact that I lost my last two remaining dogs within like, 3 weeks of each other. Both had been with me for 12+ years. I felt (and still feel) that something is missing in my life. We have plenty of animals but dogs are just different. Since none of us are working at the moment and I'm about to start back to school we're not looking to take in anyone right now. Logically I know that is the smart thing but damn if it doesn't suck.
Then, of course, the huge stress of the Black Lives Matter movement weighs heavily on me. I have feared for the life of my child since he was a tween. Unless you LOVE a black person so many white people don't seem to get it. I am so disappointed in so many people. I mean - I don't really want to get into it again right this moment but racism exists and I know that first hand. Systemic racism exists, casual racism exists, microaggression exists, white privilege exists, and anyone who doesn't believe that is remaining willfully ignorant - which I just cannot respect. It's gross and you can and should do better.
Anyway. All of this was to say that I haven't accomplished all that I'd hoped to since March, but it has been an eventful and draining few months so I'm trying not to beat myself up. I have done quite a few things - even some important things (like taking the CSA class), but I've also spent a lot of time just... resting. Playing. Loving my family. Doing things that I want to do (like spending time with my plants). Those things are important, too. I hate that American work culture makes me feel like if I haven't worked myself dead then it's not enough, but I'm trying my best to deprogram myself of that toxic idea.
Well, I just felt like clearing my mind, so there it is. I hope that you all are doing well. If not: rest, do some self-care, play, spend time with loved ones, and don't forget that Black Lives Matter. ❤
