I'm on the struggle bus today.

I'm on the struggle bus today.

I went to bed early last night and had planned to wake up early today but I had nightmares and ended up sleeping until LATE this afternoon.  Despite being up and doing things I still feel really tired and drowsy.  It's probably a little breakthrough depression.  It's not like I've been doing a lot of self-care lately.

So this past week I've focused more on my to-do list than anything else.  We really got a lot done and that's been great.  However, I didn't skate for a whole week so I basically didn't get any exercise other than doing housework.  I didn't get any sunshine because I was working indoors.  I didn't actually have fun because chores aren't fun outside of the satisfaction of them being done.  I guess the way I'm feeling today actually makes sense and I have only myself to blame.  Noted.

Yesterday was sunny and cool and we all decided to go to the park.  Shaun and the kids walked and I skated.  I was SO STUPIDLY HAPPY to have my wheels back on that I honestly could have cried.  We ended up not staying long because the weather (despite being a good temperature with plenty of sun) was SO WINDY.  The gusts were cold and strong enough to literally push me when I was on flat ground.  I did get a workout, though, because skating even slightly uphill can be tough.  Doing it against wind resistance on top of that is next-level.  I'm feeling that in my thighs today.

Other stuff on my mind:  It's almost 2022.  I keep thinking it's 2020 so it's messing with my brain a lot.  This year (2021) has been the most unsettled and weird year of my life.  So much happened that was out of the norm and just... what the hell?  You know?  I think a lot of people are feeling that (or that's what the internet says, anyway).  I'm hoping that 2022 will bring me a job and some much-welcome stability.

Another thing that is on my mind is that like... y'all know we're still in a pandemic, right?  I try not to put my judgy-pants on but my goodness the holiday photos and lack of masks and distancing really got my anxiety up, especially for a bunch of my Alabama friends and family because I know a bunch of y'all (loudly and proudly) aren't vaccinated.  I don't really know what to say except that I hope everyone will be ok.  I know a lot of reports say that Omicron is milder than Delta, but I've read that it's still very dangerous for unvaccinated people (as would also be the very real possibility of the hospitals filling up and being unable to care for everyone).

I don't know.  The pandemic in general is weighing heavily on me at the moment - probably because there is another surge in progress.  To my knowledge I have only lost one person that I actually know to COVID (a distant friend).  Anxiety keeps telling me that my luck with that will run out eventually and that the next surge will take out people closer to me.  It is, uh, very taxing (to say the least) trying to live like this.  But we're all in this together so I am definitely not alone or special in my struggle.

Anyway.  I guess I've put my thoughts out there and now I'm off to do something else.  I don't know what with my low-energy ass, but something.  Love to you all.  ❤

Poor Shaun...

Poor Shaun just wants to play his game but a bunch of the fur-kids are demanding snuggles. What a hard life. 😂😂😂

Shaun better get comfy because I'm joining the pile! 😂❤️

It's not easy to see and it'll be melted away soon, but...

It's not easy to see and it'll be melted away soon, but we woke up to snow this morning! We saw some on the mountain earlier this week but it actually made it to us this time!

Edit:  An hour later, it's gone. Best snow ever!

I haven't skated since Wednesday.

I haven't skated since Wednesday. It hasn't been intentional and I've wanted to go a bunch of different times but, you know - holidays. And hormones. And weather. And chores.

I had energy yesterday but spent the whole day doing housework. Between yesterday and today we got a bunch of stuff checked off of our to-do list. I'm kind of hoping to knock most of it out within the next few days. That'll feel nice if we can manage it.

I'm headachy and crampy and grumpy today so that's been a ton of fun. 😂 I didn't sleep well last night, either... I think I had my tea too late in the day. What I'm saying is that I've been a beautiful ray of sunshine ALL DAY LONG. 🤪 For real, though, I'm exhausted and either going to call it a night soon or fall asleep here on this couch in a pile of cats.

I hope you all are doing well. I'm not 100% but tomorrow is a new day. ❤️

I've gotta share what the kids got me today.

I've gotta share what the kids got me today.

This drawing was done by Shadow. It's a mesa in the desert and it's so thoughtful because he knows how much I love it here (probably because I say it out loud nearly every day). 😂 He's been practicing his art and learning new techniques and I am living for all of it.

 

This pin is from Kira and when I say she SLAYED the gift-giving this year, I mean it. She got a custom mug made for Shadow and some jerky for Shaun, and this pin that I am in love with for me.

BEFORE Y'ALL JUDGE ME TOO HARSHLY:  I think I've made it pretty clear that I'm not Christian and I don't believe in gods. For me logic dictates that I don't believe in devils, either (and I don't. I worship no one). THAT BEING SAID, I do support The Satanic Temple with my Amazon purchases because I'm a fan of their work regarding human rights and bodily autonomy. And to be completely honest, Baphomet is fucking adorable to me (look, I love animals and y'all already knew that). I guess I'm out of all of my closets now. 😂

So this pin that says "Hail Skatin'" was an unexpected delightful surprise and my day is made.

Happy "Whatever You Celebrate" to you and yours today and always.

🖤,

Blucifer 😈

(I swear that's just the name I've picked for myself if I decide to join roller derby. I'm really not off the deep end, y'all, but I couldn't not sign off on this post with it. 😅😂❤️)

She loves to be tucked in with blankets.

She loves to be tucked in with blankets. She's under a seasonally-appropriate one today.

I, uh... I don't know if Bastian realizes that she's not just a pile of blankets, but Rose is reacting to this nonsense by (of course) not moving. 😂😂😂

Apparently, I've been having some pretty vivid dreams lately.

Apparently, I've been having some pretty vivid dreams lately.

Because I'm a light sleeper I know that when Shaun wakes up in the morning he comes to my side of the bed and kisses me before going downstairs. (/swoon) He told me that the day before yesterday when he came to my side of the bed I popped up suddenly before he could kiss me and told him that I was having fight dreams. This morning I mumbled something to him about bugs and asked that he open the blinds.

Usually I remember my dreams for better or worse, but not these two. I'm pretty curious about what my brain was doing in my sleep, but that's ok I guess. At least I'm giving Shaun clues to tell me about later. 😂😂😂

We drove around last night looking at decorations.

We drove around last night looking at decorations. I asked Shaun to get this photo for me because this person decorated their beautiful, giant agave with lights and I loved it so much. I'm glad he also got the Luminarias in the photo. I've never seen them anywhere else. They are everywhere here and they're so beautiful. Here's a little info about them:

"The glowing brown sacks that adorn Albuquerque walkways, churches, and homes each holiday season are called luminarias and date back more than 300 years. The New Mexican tradition began when the Spanish villages along the Rio Grande displayed the unique and easy to make Christmas lanterns, called luminarias to welcome the Christ child into the world. A traditional luminaria is a brown paper bag, which has been folded at the top, filled will a couple cups of sand and a votive candle."

I did the ultimate form of self-care today:

I did the ultimate form of self-care today:  I made up my loft! I've MISSED that bed so, so much for about a year now. It was December of last year that I needed to disassemble it, pack it away, and move to Talladega. It stayed in storage in the basement the whole time we were there and then in storage in our garage here for a while after we moved because we had bigger settling-in priorities.

It's been built for a while now, but I didn't have a mattress until around my birthday last month. I've wanted to make it up and go up there so many times but between the job search, unpacking, doctors appointments, cleaning, skating, and low-energy days it just wasn't able to happen until now.

I am so excited. This bed / desk / pull-out floor bed / drawers combo is part of my very essence. It is my Nest. I bought it from a guy on CraigsList in GA when I lived in AL in my first home. Then when I moved in with Shaun it went in my bedroom there. Then it traveled to Talladega and from there, New Mexico!

Shaun hates moving my Nest because it has to be disassembled every time we move it and then put back together (kind of like a jigsaw puzzle). It doesn't help that I'm stupid protective of it, either. 😂😂😂 I just can't help it. I don't know what to say besides this is the thing that makes a home for me. I'm really grateful that our bedroom here has room for it, plus room for the king-size bed we share.

And before y'all think I'm TOO ridiculous, know that Shaun ALSO has a loft with a desk in his Cave downstairs. If I'm a little weird, well - he's definitely my match. We're both just 39-year-old kids living our best lives. 😊😊😊

My Nest made up with the comforter my mom made me.

Pic from the side. Y'all don't get to see my messy desk. Avert your eyes and quit trying. 😂

Y'all like my skate videos? This is a good one. 😜

Y'all like my skate videos?  This is a good one. 😜

Higher ramp. It didn't go so well. But hey, I made it to the bottom. 😂😂😂

I had fun today but Vanessa skated CIRCLES around me (not literally). She nailed every one of her goals, including this ramp that took me out. That's ok. I got some practice and exercise in and it was a good time. ❤️❤️❤️

Axial Tilt.

Axial Tilt.

I'm so frustrated right now. The only thing about this time of year that I enjoy is knowing that the days will be getting longer. It's extra good for me this year because it means more sunshine for skating.

I'm declaring here and now that Christmas 2021 is the last Christian holiday that I will actively be participating in. I have reasons.

For one:  I am not Christian. I don't believe in any gods at all. But IF I was into Christian holidays for religious purposes I would be furious about how commercialized they have become. Pretty much all meaning is lost and the point is to spend money, consume goods, decorate, and maybe go to church even if you don't any other time of the year. How shitty. 😂 If I was a Christian, I'd be celebrating a LOT differently than most people I know. 

For two:  I really don't understand doing something just because it's always been done. Like, so what? Why? I grew up doing these rituals and now I don't want to keep repeating them, especially when I could do ANYTHING else. I could do ANYTHING I want on a certain day, but no, I *choose* to do something I've done before? Is it special to repeat a ritual? Is it comforting? For me personally, no. It's really grating, actually. In math and computer science we use algorithms and we automate as much as possible to avoid doing exactly this. Let a machine do the repetitive work. Let me move on!

If you enjoy holidays then more power to you. I'm just saying that I don't, and that after this year I'm opting out. No more Christian holidays for me. Shaun and the kids can do whatever they want. I'll give enough effort to them and only them to not ruin their day because I love them. And therein lies the trap. 😕

EDITED TO ADD:

Anyone who receives a package from me, know I did that because I wanted to. I'm pretty sure that gift-giving is my love language. I just don't enjoy the thought of having to do it certain times of the year whether I'm feeling it or not. ❤️

I'm getting some rare cuddles...

I'm getting some rare cuddles from my li'l Gramson, Leon. 😍😍😍 He's definitely his mama's boy so I feel special. 😊😊😊

Today was gorgeous and I got my skate on.

It's a sunny 43°F out.

It's a sunny 43°F out. Comfortable in the sun, cooler in the shade, balloons in the distance. Perfection.

Look at all this yard work that needs to be done. We gotta sweep our gravel back into place every once in a while because the dogs and coyotes make a mess when they play. We also gotta scoop the poop. It's so hard y'all, let me tell you. 😛

For real, I do NOT miss the rain and storms and humidity of the south, or fighting back nature at every turn. We've been here for 3 months now and I still love it. I was never an outdoorsy person in Alabama, but here I'm up for hiking, biking, skating, whatever. Even when it's down in the 30s all you gotta do is catch a sun beam to warm up.

For those of you who love the south:  I'm so happy that you're happy. I sincerely mean that. But for me this has been life-changing. I'm still in awe at how much I love being outside now. I'm so much more active than I've been since probably band camp back in high school. This is so nourishing for my body and my mind. It's exactly what I needed and I'm so grateful. ❤️❤️❤️

Six years later and he's still my favorite person...

Six years later and he's still my favorite person - so much so that I captured him as my spouse and stook my claim on him until I die! I've never been so sure of anything or anyone else in my life!

We've come a long, long way together. From living separately and me refusing his help to me allowing him to treat me to lunch sometimes to me letting him help support me through college. From getting married to moving in together to finally sharing a bedroom. I knew early on that he was my person but he patiently let (and often agreed with) me and our slow and out-of-order relationship progression.

Now here we are - 13 years strong, a home we chose together in a place we chose together, with our amazing kids, weird dogs, and too many cats. We've been slowly but surely building towards this for years and it feels good, man. New goals and adventures are being planned and I can't wait to see where we are in another 13 years.

Happy "Made It Official" Day, Shaun! ❤️

Today was vet day for the dogs.

Today was vet day for the dogs. We were updating their shots, getting microchips, and checking out Rose's back end.

Cubba was happy and good for his physical exam, but the second his doctor tried to take his temperature (bootily) that was over. He shrieked and bucked and was snapping and snarling and NOT behaving. The vet couldn't do shots or anything after that, even with him muzzled. We were sent home with a sedative and we're going to try again Friday.

I have never in my life seen Cubba act like that. I've taken him to the vet before by myself and he was a perfect gentleman. I don't know if it's because his previous doctor put him up on the table for examination or if it's because Shaun was with us this time or what, but he showed out. I was shocked and embarrassed. Just WOW.

On to Rose - she was a great patient. Of course, when she's scared she freezes up and shrinks herself and that's about all. The vet examined her thoroughly, especially after I showed him the video of her smashing the cooch and scooting. He said he'd never seen that before, but the weird sit made him suspect hip or back trouble. He determined that she didn't seem painful in her hips or back, though.

After that he took her into another room with better lighting to check her bottom visually and see if they could express her anal glands. They did express her glands and reported back that they were full. (I ALMOST tried that myself the other night but Rose was being herself and not coming to me so I didn't.) Now we need to wait and see if that alleviated the problem or not. We're hoping that's all it was because it's the cheapest, easiest, and least-invasive solution to her problems.

After she came back into the room with us Rose got on the bench with us and hid in the corner behind Shaun. I'm talking full-on squeezed behind him, face down and in the corner "you can't see me" style. The nurse offered her some treats and she took them, though. She wasn't so shook she could turn down snacks. 😂😂😂

Anyway, there's the update on that. I can't believe we have to tranq Cub for his visit, but we'll do what we have to do. With coyotes coming in the yard we definitely want to be prepared with rabies prevention, and with him being the escape artist he is we'd feel tons better with him having a chip. I'll let y'all know if that vet visit is eventful, but hopefully it won't be. ❤️

Shaun took me to the Star Heights skate park near home.

Shaun took me to the Star Heights skate park near home. It's pretty nice. The concrete segments have filling in between them so it's not too rough going over the cracks. It's also pretty level and has a few ramps and things. The ramps are higher than the one I tackled before, but that's ok. I'll work up to them eventually.

It was fun and the weather was nice in the 50s F, but the sun was rough. I had sunglasses on but I need a visor, too. I didn't stay as long as I would have liked, but after the falls I've taken over the last few days I'm sore (with surprisingly no visible bruises) so I'm going easy on myself. I did practice skating backwards and doing cross-pulls, though, and it went well so I'm happy.

Tomorrow we have doctor and vet appointments so I'm not counting on having time to skate. Maybe it'll be a heavy chore day and I'll get a bunch of stuff out of the way. We'll see. For now I'm off to see what I feel like checking off my list with the rest of my day. ❤️

My gosh, I feel like I'm battling depression right now.

My gosh, I feel like I'm battling depression right now. My energy and motivation are just low.

 

The only thing I have motivation for is skating. I didn't feel like leaving the house, though, so I tried to skate outside of my house... where there's a not-insignificant downhill slope. Obviously, I fell a couple of times - right on my ass... On the same spot I fell yesterday. I'll probably have a bruised butt tomorrow. Fun times. I came back inside and pouted on the couch in my skates and padding until my feet fell asleep.

 

The only other thing I've scraped up energy for is moving my plants inside with the help of Shadow and Shaun. They're in the garage. It gets cold in there, but probably (hopefully) not freezing. We'll see who survives but it's not looking good. So I'm still bummed about that.

Other than that I made a list of things to do this week and I'm hoping that I get some stuff accomplished. I work best with a list so hopefully that'll do me some good. We'll see.

Overall, things are pretty good but I get intense about my hobbies so not being able to skate and seeing my plants look so rough has brought me down today. But tomorrow will probably be better. Shaun is usually up for going to skate parks when they're empty so maybe I'll get some exercise / practice in. I'm sure that'll lift my mood.

Anyway. I hope you all are doing well. I'm off to have some dinner and see if I can muster up some energy for anything else. If not, I'm calling it a night. ❤️

I am so sad. I have killed EVEN MORE of my plants.

I am so sad. I have killed EVEN MORE of my plants. It's been really cold so I watered them the other day when it wasn't going below freezing for a few days. It got down to 17° F last night, though, and I was feeling pretty crappy and didn't think to bring anyone in. Now a lot of them are floppy and mushy.

I really don't want outdoor plants. I never signed up for that. I don't have anywhere inside for them, though, and the sunroom is still delayed because of COVID. I feel so guilty and stupid. 😞

I wanted to skate outside today but the weather had other plans.

I'm sharing this again because I'm so proud of it

I'm sharing this again because I'm so proud of it - and to show a couple of my wipeouts. It's ok to laugh. 😝 I know I sure do, then I get up and try again. 🤷‍♂️

This is part of the reason I'm so sore today. 😂😂😂 I fell about 5 times before I made it up AND down this ramp standing.

I'm also sore because my "relaxing" skate around the rink turned into a whole-body workout of me absolutely FIGHTING to gain any speed. I definitely want to go again with appropriate wheels on and see how that goes.

Anyway, if you need me I'll be where I've been all day - on the couch resting this body. It's earned a break.

I went to a skating rink tonight...

I went to a skating rink tonight...

with my outdoor wheels on. 😂😂😂

I did not realize the extent to which soft wheels would slow me down. I won't be making that mistake again. My gosh - I got a workout. I was drenched in sweat doing my literal best to catch up with Vanessa. It didn't happen even once. 😂😂😂

Good times, though. 😁😁😁

Check it out! I made it over a ramp! I'm so excited. It was a great day. ❤️

We made up for lost time on chores yesterday, so...

We made up for lost time on chores yesterday, so I was skating today no matter what. And OMG, it was the best skate I've had yet!

Today was my first time going to the park alone. Shaun usually skates with me to be supportive but I don't really need that. 😂 If I want to do something there's not a lot that will stop me. I'm not complaining about his sweetness, though. 💕 He's the best husbang and I'm so lucky. ❤️

There were a few skateboarders there at first but they were practicing on a big ramp so we were out of each other's way. Then they left and it was just me and my ear buds. Holy shit, y'all. For whatever reason I decided to see how fast I could go. It probably wasn't anything to more experienced skaters but I felt like I was flying. I LOVED IT.

So, I feel that in my abs and my thighs already. I'm not mad at it. I honestly can't believe this is exercise that I am loving so much. It's crazy. I want to do it all the time.

Anyway, that's my update for the day. I'm off to have dinner and maybe do my nails. My polish is chipping and that just won't do.

❤️❤️❤️

Booster arm is only mildly sore to the touch, but...

Big Shock: I fell asleep after I sat down on the couch. 😂

Big Shock: I fell asleep after I sat down on the couch. 😂

Woke up to my 18-lb kitty Balthazar creeping across my booster arm so he could be my little spoon. 😫

Then he sneezed in my face. Like, SO up close, directly on my lips. 🤮

I'm, uh, going to brush my teeth and get in my bed. I'm just done with this day. Goodnight, friends. 😴

I'm TIRED. I woke up and showered and thought "I'm gonna do some housework today."

I'm TIRED. I woke up and showered and thought "I'm gonna do some housework today."

That was false. 😂

I took Kira to her appointment today, making today the 3rd day in a row I've gone to the clinic (my appointment was Wednesday, Shaun's was Thursday, and today was Kira's). After we got out we picked up dinner, then came home and ate it and I've been tired ever since. I think my booster shot is making my body do some work. I've only had a slight headache which Tylenol fixed, so that's not too bad. But the energy-drain is REAL.

I'm hoping I get to my chores tomorrow. If I'm lucky I'll even get to skate. Paws crossed that goes as planned. For now I'm in "rest mode" until I go to bed, which probably won't be too long from now.

I hope you all are doing well and staying safe. Have a good night, friends! ❤️

Haha. My flu shot arm hurts, but my COVID booster arm hurts worse.

Skate leash!

Skate leash! It's so pretty to me and makes my heart happy. ❤️

I didn't skate yesterday because of my migraine. I also didn't skate today because I went to an appointment with Shaun. We ended up getting our COVID booster shots together. I came home and slept. I'm pretty much never 100% the day after a migraine, but the vaccinations yesterday and today could have possibly tired me out, too. I don't know. Hopefully, I'll get to ride my feet again tomorrow. We'll see.

Current Status:

Current Status:

Recovering from one of the worst and longest migraines of my life. I had no idea it was coming. It started around midnight last night and I was in so much pain that I was sweating. I slept maybe 3 hours total before I had to get up for a doctor's appointment.  Current meds dulled it just enough to allow me to go. 

Appointment went well. Doctors and nurses were kind. Gave me an ice pack for my head and did the appointment with lights off. Got my flu vaccine and had blood work done. Got a new migraine med prescribed. Have a follow-up in a month for a physical. Am set up for a mammogram referral. Also getting set up with behavioral health to handle my anxiety and depression and meds.

Glad I went. Other than that I've been on the couch all day. Got some puppy kisses and kitty cuddles. Slept off the nausea, thank goodness. Finally ate about an hour ago. Still feel like crap and am exhausted, but much better than earlier.

I skated yesterday. Got a super cute skate leash in the mail today. Looking at my skates gave me a little happy boost. I'll post another pic soon. I also think I'm growing some leg muscles. Super cool. For now, I've gotta finish getting right. Love to you all. ❤️

Look at this dog.

Look at this dog. Look at her stupid face. 😂😂😂

She seems to enjoy being tucked in usually but her face looks like she's in the middle of a crisis. Why, Rose? Whyyy?

(OMG, turn it sideways and it's somehow funnier. 🤣🤣🤣)

Today was my first trip to a skate park...

Today was my first trip to a skate park and it was SO MUCH FUN. There are several nearby that I'd like to check out but this was the first. There were 3 skateboarders there when we arrived but they left after a while so Shaun and I had the whole place to ourselves.

I tried rolling up a ramp and immediately fell flat on my ass. 😂 I knew I would but had to give it a shot anyway. I'm pretty proud of my progress, though. I am getting far more confident on my feet. I'm rolling faster and handling cracks and gravel without fear. I can bubble backwards and forwards. I can turn. I usually plow stop but can use my toe stop a little.

There is another stop I want to learn, and besides that I'd like to be able to skate backwards without having to do bubbles. Then maybe I can try tricks or ramps or whatever. In the meantime I'm just gonna keep trying and hopefully my stamina and balance will continue to improve.

I'm so excited. I never really thought of myself as athletic on any level but I'm really happy that I can do a thing with my body and actually see and feel improvement. I've found my exercise that doesn't feel like exercise and I'm so grateful. It's life-changing.

Also, look at that view. I love it here. ❤️

I've seen a lot of posts recently about supporting small and local businesses...

I've seen a lot of posts recently about supporting small and local businesses because of the pandemic and the supply chain issues so I thought it might be an appropriate time to renew my Etsy listings.  For anyone who didn't know me back when I was heavy into making jewelry:  I made it with nail polish.  Some of it came out pretty nice and I traveled (usually with my mom and brother) doing events and selling there.  It was a good time, but between some health issues and college I could no longer find time to make things or do events and well, then the pandemic and etc...  basically all of my supplies and already-made items ended up in the closet.

I'm gonna be honest and say that I don't know if I'll actually end up reviving Polish All the Things for really-realz... I'm kind of more health- and career- focused at this point in my life.  I would love to get back into nail art just for myself because it's a self-care thing.  I've already starting making time for keeping my claws polished so that's a step in the right direction.  I don't know if making jewelry will ever be a part of my life again, but if it does I can't imagine it being a MAJOR part.  I don't know.  It's fun and stress-relieving and I DO have a ton of polish...  But anyway, if you see something you want I'd say get it before it's gone.  I really can't make any guarantees at this point.

So without further blah blah, here's the link to my shop.  I've got a table full of jewelry that apparently never made it to Etsy so that'll hopefully get up there this weekend.  But yeah, that's all for now.

Thank you, friends.  ❤

https://www.etsy.com/shop/PolishAllTheThings

I'd like to get up, but...

I'd like to get up, but this is my current lap situation. I suppose I've had worse problems. 😂😂😂

💯

 

Oh look. It's me.

I've had a really nice day today.

I've had a really nice day today. I pretty much spent time with my favorite people - the kids and Shaun. Everyone has made me feel really special and loved. So far, 39 feels pretty good! 😊😊😊

Here's my birthday loot:

Shaun gave me skate accessories and LIGHT UP WHEELS. 😍😍😍

I also got this hilarious tea sampler. I can't wait to try some tonight.

Shadow got me this mug and Kira made me a super sweet card filled with stickers and yummy candy. These kiddos melt my heart. 💗

After we all ate lunch and hung out I skated in the garage. After I got bored of that I went around the kitchen for a bit. I'm so ready to go back to a park but it's getting cold. Anyway, I feel like I'm improving and I'm really excited about it.

I'm off to relax and maybe watch skate videos to see what else I can learn. Thank you all for the birthday wishes. Y'all are the sweetest! ❤️

I got my shoe rack built...

I got my shoe rack built and I really like the look of my closet. So organized! It cost me a deep-ish slice of finger and that's not the most fun, but it's ok.

Yesterday also went as planned. We went to the tea place and the market and the boba shop. I got a few new teas to try: an oolong, a white, a green, and a biscochito green. I'm gonna brew up a cup of the green after dinner. 😊 I didn't get many fancy flavors (this time) because I wanted to see what each tea is about by itself. Kira also scored at the Mexican market. She found some things that she used to like to eat when she lived with her father. Then we visited the boba shop and got tasty treats. 😁

Today has been pretty good so far. I slept well and got up at a good time. Shaun and I cleaned out and repaired a large outdoor storage box that came with the house and I moved my plant junk into it. It looks a lot nicer than leaving it strewn around and it's so large I even put the plant stuff I was storing in the garage in it.

So speaking of "stored in the garage"... This is an onion that the kids accidentally hit with a shovel while doing some yard work in Talladega. They wanted to save it so we tried. Before we moved it started to look rotten but I guess it got packed and came with us. Apparently, this thing lived through 2 days in the U-Haul and now after over 2 months of being packed away in the garage it's sprouting! Nature is WILD! 😂😂😂

Anyway, I skated a bit today and I am so shocked with how comfortable I felt on my feet despite how long it's been since my last time. I did bubbles forwards and backwards and used my brakes some. It feels so weird learning to control my body in different ways - basically so that I can ride my feet. 😂 I love it, though.

Anyway, I'm off to repaint my nails. My polish is chipping and that just won't do. I hope you all are having a nice Tuesday. I guess I'm on an upswing so I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. ❤️

My mood has been so up and down lately.

My mood has been so up and down lately. I spent a couple of days having fun and skating, then a couple of days on the couch with a down mood, then a couple of days going hard on the housework, and today was back on the couch. Somewhere in all of that I painted my nails for the first time in AGES and it almost made me cry because I'd missed it so much.

I don't really know what to do in order to regulate myself. I'm not stressed about anything that I can pinpoint. The job search is going fine. Shaun and the kids are great. The animals are fine. I need to water my plants (desperately), but other than that I'm ok.

Tomorrow we're taking some extra trash from the garage to the dump. Then we're going to New Mexico Tea Company because I just accidentally discovered it online and now desperately need to go to there. Kira found a Mexican supermarket that she wants to go to, as well. Maybe I'll get lucky and we'll also stop by Hi BoBa. Their Taro tea is awesome. Shadow had a green tea with cream cheese foam that was shockingly very good. So anyway, if tomorrow goes as planned I'll only have spent today on the couch instead of the two days that would be next in my pattern.

I hope you all are doing well. I'm off to put together a shoe rack for my closet, then I'm taking a shower and calling it a night. ❤️

How is he sleeping nose-planted like this?!

How is he sleeping nose-planted like this?! It's making my chest tight just thinking about it.

Poor Cub has such a hard time. Rose drains his life force, I guess. 😂😂😂

When I say she doesn't leave him alone...

When I say she doesn't leave him alone...

I firmly believe this is why he leaves. 😂😂😂

Me and Shaun spent yesterday moving stuff and cleaning out the garage.

Me and Shaun spent yesterday moving stuff and cleaning out the garage. We're far from finished, but now we can skate in there when we put the cars out. 😁 I'm pretty excited about that.

Perhaps an even bigger deal:  We put all of our photos in the same place. We have a photo cabinet now. We're straight up acting like a family over here. 😂😂😂

I think I know why Cub was so unsettled last night.

I think I know why Cub was so unsettled last night. These coyotes? foxes? were in our yard, playing with his toys and peeing on his bones. Poor traumatized puppy. 😂😂😂

https://www.facebook.com/blu.xenethos/posts/pfbid0wDCV73kwaMCxkPh3tM5rNp1TJgHhUizXKgUxW1pTYWRYkeGNrmsPuvCxMNwgn11Zl

Last night was ROUGH. Or should I say "ruff"? 😂

Last night was ROUGH. Or should I say "ruff"? 😂

We hear the coyotes howling on the mesa pretty often. No big deal. We also know they come into the neighborhood because we caught that one on our doorbell cam. But last night was different. They weren't just howling; they were yipping and making a lot of noise. And they sounded pretty close.

They were noisy but not too disturbing. Cubba, on the other hand, was roaring and barking and growling like it was the apocalypse. Inside the house because we can't leave him alone outside, obviously. (He pulled another fast one on us just the other day, except he climbed over into the neighbor's yard and climbed back when we went to get him. Then of course greeted us in the house like nothing happened. 😂) But yeah, last night he was inconsolable.

That sucked because I was SO EXHAUSTED. I vacuumed the whole house yesterday (stairs, too - ugh) except for the kids' bedrooms because they are responsible for those. Then I shampooed the carpet downstairs. It was WORK and I was so tired. Then the dog wasn't trying to let me sleep.

On the bright side the carpet was totally dry 2 hours later. 😮🤯 When I painted a while back the rooms were dry to the touch in like, 15 minutes. I still love it here. The moral of the story? The desert is magical, and Cubba is an asshole. 😂😂😂 (He's not, really. He's just super smart and friendly and sometimes bored and sometimes [rarely, honestly] really scared / alarmed. It happens.)

Protect innocent black boys the way you protect guilty white boys.

Protect innocent black boys the way you protect guilty white boys.

Period.

Foam so thick the spoon stands up.

Foam so thick the spoon stands up.

For the last month or so...

For the last month or so someone has been sending their Amazon orders to our address. It's not the same people we bought the house from. We can't find this mystery person on Facebook or NextDoor to let them know what's going on. Both Shaun and I have called Amazon and they say if the address on the package matches ours then there is nothing they can do. They've told us both that we are free to keep, throw away, or donate whatever shows up.

So far, we've gotten a 3-pack of Scotch tape, some solar lights, a package of 3 knock-off iPhone charging cables, and a tackle box.

The first 2 times this happened we were concerned because we know how much it sucks to look forward to a delivery that's not coming. At this point, though, we're over it. We just open it up and see what it is. 😂 We might put all the stuff inside the tackle box and save it up in case we ever find out who's doing this. Like, "Here's all your stuff. We kept it safe." It's so bizarre to us because none of us would be repeating that mistake.

In other Amazon news:  I ordered an electronic tea kettle and some 16-ounce mugs from there. They weren't shipped before the day they were supposed to be delivered and I got annoyed with waiting so I canceled the order last night. Amazon let me know that I could expect a refund in a few days. The package showed up just a few minutes ago. I guess I'm not complaining about free tea accessories. 😁😁😁

Cubba isn't thrilled...

Cubba isn't thrilled that his butt is now being snuggled by Balthazar. He feels he's gotta sleep with one eye on this cat. 😂😂😂

I walked by a window that had the blinds slightly cracked...

I walked by a window that had the blinds slightly cracked and the color streaming in was otherworldly. I had to go outside. Here's a completely unedited photo of the sunset.

Skate Update:

Skate Update:

Me and Shaun went back to the same park today. I didn't fall at all. I practiced "bubbles" and using my brakes.

If you don't know what bubbles are it's probably easier for you to see it on YouTube than for me to explain it, but it's basically starting with your heels in a pizza (or "V" shape), rolling forward to a comfortable width and then continuing forward eventually ending up with your toes in a pizza. I tried my hardest yesterday but could not do it. I did them today, though, and even did some backwards! You kind of need to do a squat and squeeze your legs open and closed when you do them and when I tell you that I probably looked like the Hulk tryna take a dook on the ball court I am being so serious. 😂😂😂 I was squeezing with everything I had! I feel like I'm gonna feel those "bubbles" tomorrow. 😂😂😂

Anyway, I also used my toe stop some. First time ever! It was scary because I think I lean forward when skating so dragging a toe propels the rest of me forward and I feel like I'mma fall on my face. Shaun told me to stand up straighter and that made a huge difference. I probably exaggerated that move, too. I'm pretty sure I puffed up like a bird who was about to fight. 😂 I bet I look ridiculous as hell when I'm skating but at least I'm having fun!

We took a different route today and found another park. One with a pool and an observatory, and OH YEAH - A SKATE PARK! 🤯🤯🤯 Like 5 minutes from our house! There were adults and kids out there skating and it looked so fun. Maybe once I'm a little more sure on my feet I'll have the nerve to go there. I definitely don't yet. It's a little small and I'm just not into running anyone's kids over.

Also, I reached out to a local derby team and they were super welcoming. I'm planning on going to skate practice with them on Tuesday. I'm really excited. I'm sure it'll be fun and maybe I'll learn some stuff and even make some friends. I'll let y'all know how that goes. 😊

Chilly morning.

Chilly morning.

Cozy pups.

Yesterday morning Shaun burned a wax melt.

Yesterday morning Shaun burned a wax melt. I noticed when I woke up that the glass holding the wax had been tilted and wax was pouring down the wall.

Yesterday evening I was chilling on the couch with the cats and started to get a headache from too much smell. I checked around to make sure nothing was lit and even went to Shaun's game room to see if he had incense burning or something. Nope.

Was talking to Shadow this morning and he mentioned that Balthazar had something in his chest fur that smelled nice.

Balthazar was the cat cuddling near my face yesterday. Apparently, he's the one who bumped the wax warmer and also gave me a headache.

Mysteries solved. 😂😂😂

Soo... skating went better than expected.

Soo... skating went better than expected. We went to the park near our house. There is what used to be an outdoor basketball court that no longer has hoops that me and Shaun skated on. There were some gravels and some cracks and it wasn't perfectly even, but it was good. I spent some time on YouTube last night watching videos on how to fall and how to handle rocks and cracks and all that since I knew I'd likely not be on a perfect surface. I believe it paid off. 😁

So I only fell once but I took the advice of Indy Jamma Jones and took a knee when I knew I was going down and much to my shock it didn't hurt at all. 🤯 I mean, I was wearing padding (safety first!) but that was pretty cool. Getting back up was more of an ordeal. 😂😂😂 In my defense I lost my balance going over one of the gnarlier cracks so it wasn't like I just went down without cause. What's dumb is that I'd gone over it a few times already, but faster. When I hit it slow it was no good. Now I know.

I tried skating when I got home but my cul-de-sac is on a hill and while I know in my head the moves I need to do to go up a hill I am clearly not there yet. 😂😂😂 Also, the road is nice but wayyy bumpier then where we went earlier and I had trouble even going perpendicular to the hill. So I need more practice.

At the suggestion of a friend I looked to see if there is a derby team in my area and there is. They practice a few times per week so I've sent them a message to see if I can come along. I'm excited and I hope to hear back soon. Maybe they'll get me rolling fancy in short order. 😃

Freshly re-laced with toe caps on.

Freshly re-laced with toe caps on. About to take these beauties to the park (a regular park, not a skate park yet) and see if I can stay upright. 😂😂😂 I have padding and a helmet now so hopefully it'll be fun either way.

Super wishing it wasn't a pandemic and that I felt comfortable going to a skating rink. I never got to go a ton when I was younger but always enjoyed it when I did. Maybe things will be safer next year and I can have my 40th birthday party at a rink. That sounds amazing. 😁😁😁

I hope you all are having a nice Saturday. I'm about to get some exercise and sunshine. ❤️❤️❤️

We went to Sandia Crest today.

We went to Sandia Crest today. It was a beautiful drive up. We even saw a deer.

There's a "Snow Play" area that I imagine will have snow soon. I wonder if that's exactly what it sounds like. 😂 Lots of trails and picnic areas to explore. Shaun is excited. He loves mountains. I'm less athletic but I'm up for the exercise.

Afterwards, we had a little dinner date. Shaun and I needed a getaway. I ate a strawberry crêpe for dessert. It wasn't flaky like I remember from French class in high school, but it was tasty. All in all it was a pretty nice day. 😊

Decaf Vanilla Comoro...

Decaf Vanilla Comoro with steamy frothed milk in my cute owl mug - something warm and comforting this evening.

I've been in my head a lot lately, for better or worse. I guess better because I'm working through some things. Maybe worse because I should probably be seeing a therapist and focusing on this house and my job search. I can't always control my brain, though.

In any case I'm feeling a bit better today. I went out to watch the dogs because it's "take your trashcan to the curb" day and they were barking at the neighbors. I apologized for their rudeness and played with them a bit to distract them. Then Shaun came out and asked if I'd be up for playing badminton with him (he bought a cheap setup recently and we hadn't used it yet). I guess I was into it because we played for a couple of hours. It was silly fun because we were playing with the dogs the whole time, too. I needed that. I needed to get out of my head for a while.

I told Shaun I wanted to find a helmet tomorrow so I can skate. One of the last times I skated I fell flat backwards like a starfish and hit my head. I was indoors that time but there are lots of places to skate outside here but they are concrete, so, you know - I'd rather not bust my melon. 😂 I'm really hoping that indulging in things I enjoy will help me feel better. Sounds super obvious when I spell it out like that, but usually when my mood is down I'm not interested or motivated.

Anyway. We'll see how the helmet search goes. I also need to find some good succulent dirt. I've been recommended one by someone I trust so now it's just a matter of whether I can find it locally or not. Guess I'm looking for a lot of things right now. Job, helmet, dirt. What a list. 😂

Well, I hope y'all are doing well. I'm better today than yesterday, so I can't complain. Have a good one, friends. ❤️

My anxiety is up.

My anxiety is up. Probably because I'm officially job-looking. 😬 I've been having nightmares and sleeping a lot. I can tell my mental health is trying to slip but I'm hanging in here. One thing I've promised myself is that after I'm working I get to join a gym. I desperately miss yoga and being left alone to focus on only myself for a bit.

I went out back to have tea and try to chill down. The dogs were in a playful mood, so we played. The sunset was gorgeous. Probably would have been a real sight to see from our little balcony, but that's ok.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm going to be fine. I've just been through a lot of change over the last couple of years and I'm so ready to settle down and find my new normal. Living in flux is so tiresome. Hopefully I'll be done with that soon. ❤️

Went outside to water some succulents and...

Went outside to water some succulents and we saw an afternoon balloon. I bet it's lovely to ride this time of day.

Why, Rose? Why are you like this?! 😂😂😂

Why, Rose? Why are you like this?! 😂😂😂

This is the temporary doggie door setup. It'll be like this for a couple of weeks until the sunroom is built.

This dog is doing the most tonight, for real. She DESPERATELY wants Cubba to come out and play with her.

Shaun put this sticker on my boyfriend's head almost 2 hours ago...

Shaun put this sticker on my boyfriend's head almost 2 hours ago when he was building shelves. Boyfriend doesn't care. He agrees - he's rated E for Everyone. 😂😂😂

Me, this time last year. 😂😂😂

Me, this time last year. 😂😂😂

I miss having a math class, for real, though. 💔

I just laughed too hard at this dog.

I just laughed too hard at this dog. Shaun is about to put a shelf together and moved the coffee table towards the couch so he'd have room. Rose went from chilling peacefully to having yote herself over the back of the couch in 0.25 seconds flat.

This is the super-comfortable face and half-sit she's doing now that he put her back. Why does she think everything is murder?! 😂😂😂

I very nearly just cried in Wal-Mart.

I very nearly just cried in Wal-Mart.

Our insurance is free.

We have 24/7 access to a nurse via phone for free.

We can have Teledoc appointments for free, including therapy.

I just got 3 months worth of anti-anxiety and depression meds for free, as well as my migraine meds and Kira's birth control.

If you've never felt so grateful for medication that you could literally cry then consider yourself lucky. This is life-saving and life-changing and I just don't have all of the words to express myself right now.

It's been an emotional day. 😂😂😂

[For Context:  New Mexico expanded Medicaid. Alabama did not. We have free Medicaid through the state until I get a job and get us something else.]

Y'all got me so triggered, for real.

Y'all got me so triggered, for real.

I did not spend 5 years in college doing some really hard shit just to squat out another baby in my 40s. I'm tryna live my truth so let me be honest real quick:  If I got pregnant right now I'd have to bippity-boppity-abort that thing. With my rotten-eggs having ass. 😂😂😂

Y'all just threw me back to the barely pre-teen "virginal" days when I couldn't have a stomach bug without being interrogated about whether I was pregnant. Then to the little bit older days when I was statutorily raped by a grown-ass man. And to the days of not being allowed a baby shower because I was "an unwed mother and it's improper." And then to the days of trying to navigate raising MY child not only as a single parent AND young person starting out on their own but with someone actively plotting against me and trying to take him (most of my high school friends didn't see the struggle of that last one so I ain't mad at'cha).

DESPITE all that I loved and continue to love being a parent. I got 2 of the coolest people I know in my life because of that. But for the first time in my entire whole ass life I have complete control (as much as one can, anyway) and I'm not giving that up to make another human.

And, there is this:  I've evolved beyond "womanhood." I haven't identified as "female" in years. I've posted in words that I'm genderqueer and about how excited I am to have an "X" on my ID. I haven't posted a pic of myself in ages because being told that I'm beautiful or pretty feels wrong and uncomfortable. I know y'all are just trying to boost ya girl when you do that and I love and appreciate our sisters being shown love but I'm no longer a sister - I'm a sibling. I can't pretend to know where I fit anymore but I know where I don't.

At this stage in my life I consider myself a parent. I don't feel like "motherhood" is accurate for my here and now and as fucked up as it might sound it's because I'm happy. For me, being / becoming a mother was a traumatizing, scary, isolating experience where I was given the greatest gift I've ever received yet simultaneously ostracized for receiving that gift. I was so much more alone than most of you knew - it literally was just me and my Shadow for a long time and I was so small, y'all. I... uh... god damn, I'm crying.

I can't act like there are times that I don't yearn to mix my DNA with Shaun's. I know he would cherish me and our li'l big head, pale-ass baby offspring. He would help me with the sickness and I wouldn't be worried about losing my place as Section Leader at band camp. He wouldn't cheat on li'l delicate, precious, pregnant me and give me Chlamydia and disappear leaving me to struggle with the enormity of what was happening to my body and my life alone. It would be beautiful and amazing and this fantasy child would have it so much better than what I was able to provide alone.

But see, that's not the timeline we're living in. Here in this reality I'll be 39 years old this month. I (willingly and happily) spent my youth raising my child. I now have psoriatic arthritis and it's better for my joints to keep my weight down. I'd like to start strength training to help ward off osteoporosis and get this body right. Between college and mental health issues over the past few years I've neglected me. And me (whoever they is now) deserves my care, too; I should get to see myself through to my final form. I'm not finished growing yet.

I don't know. These are my "I got up to pee and I can't fall back asleep" thoughts. If you feel more confused about who I am than you were before you read this, then welcome to my world. I've been struggling with it for years. I'm at that "caterpillar is goo" stage of life, so just bare (it all) with me, I guess.

Together for 10-ish years + married for 3-ish.

Together for 10-ish years + married for 3-ish.

Today we got a joint bank account.

I know we're "slow" about everything we do, but I prefer to think of it as logical and deliberate. We didn't rush out and live together or combine everything the minute we got married. For me, that's a positive because we're still actively choosing each other after all of this time in. We're stretching our joining OOUUTT and I really enjoy it.

I know what's next but y'all ain't ready for that one. 😏