I'm heading to bed.

I'm heading to bed. It's been another actually good day, stress/burnout-wise.

Me and Shaun had a late anniversary lunch. Since Shadow has to be asleep tomorrow because his work schedule is changing temporarily, he asked if we could have his birthday dinner tonight, which we did. We picked it up to-go and ate at home.

Me and Shaun put on a comedy thing that the kids recommended. I messed around on the computer while listening to it and updated the swatch status and location for 3 out of 72 drawers of nail polish. It's one of the things I'd put on my list of things to do that I couldn't get myself to do... even though I wanted to do it. But I did some and it was easy and fun. And I was using the app I created, so that was also nice.

I felt the urge to not stop until I was done or until I crashed completely out - whichever came first, but I have something to do in the morning and I want to be rested for it. So since I'm getting sleepy I'm being good and going to bed. The task will be there tomorrow or whenever I feel like picking it up again. I think that breaking this cycle of hyperfocus and straining/stressing myself over nothing will be key to preventing burnout again.

Look at me. I'm cosplaying a very stable adult. Are y'all proud of me? 😂😂😂

Goodnight. ❤️

Today we're married 8 years...

Today we're married 8 years. Together for 18. I don't know what I would do without Shaun. He's held me together in so many different ways over the years. Through mental and physical breakdowns, migraines, throwing up so hard I pee myself - and now peri. The good, the bad, and the ugly - he's solid through it all.

And as usual, he's got the most creative gifts ever. 🥰

My favorite has to be this Teddy Bear Cholla he made using my stash of whiskers (with my permission!). They aren't glued in or anything, but they're definitely not falling out. We're going to paint the pot; he didn't realize it matched the cactus body so well. But I love this so much. Also, he didn't even use all of my whiskers. 😂😂😂  We might have to start another cactus for the shorter ones. I'm thinking an Opuntia for the next one...

I'm also digging this little monster dude with the succulents on his head. It's a stash jar, so that's neat. And since it's our Bronze anniversary, he got me a little beetle guy to sit on my shelf. He manages to bring the things I love into every gift while somehow keeping it traditional.

Here's to all of the years behind us, and hopefully many more to come! To my bestie for the restie:  I love you! ❤️

I didn't even know I did this, but...

I didn't even know I did this, but I was talking to Shaun about a convo in the group chat and I said "I laugh-reacted at something I knew was a joke, but I didn't get it."

I've never said that sentence before in my life. He's like "You've definitely done that in real life before. I've had to explain the jokes to you afterwards."

I was so unaware! I feel like receiving the Autism diagnosis is allowing me to see masks I didn't even know that I had.

Thankfully, my friends will explain it and lightly roast me and it'll be fine. 😂😂😂

A lovely way to wake up!

A lovely way to wake up!

Foam so dense my spoon stands up.

Foam so dense my spoon stands up.

Black tea with Coconut. 😊

I'm tired!

I'm tired!

I slept late again, guilt-free.  It's crazy how much a mindset shift can change things.  Instead of sleeping or napping or doing nothing stressfully (and gaining very little rest or recovery in the process), removing the "should" and being gentler with myself has been a game changer.  I am finally starting to feel some semblance of peace within myself.

Today was a designated "no obligations" day for me.  I ended up repotting a few plants because I wanted to, not because I should.  I did more than I thought I would, and I stopped when I got tired - not pushing through to some arbitrary goal I made up.  There is more to do, but nothing is urgent.  They're ok.

I also did some of my wireframe homework.  I stopped when I got tired of that, too.  The only other thing I'm going to do now is my Duolingo while I wait for Shadow to get off work and bring home milk (because I like to have some milk with creamer before bed).

Today, while I was in my "flow state" repotting, Shaun hit me with another "Why?" question, which is like taking my laser focus and snatching it sideways.  I didn't get upset or anything - he is allowed to ask me questions.  But I told him that I wasn't going to think about it right now and to email it to me if he really wanted an answer.  I protected my attention and my flow, made an accommodation for myself, and did it without being rude (unlike the Waffle "Why?" from a while back).  😬

The ONLY differences between the Waffle Why and this Why was that I understood what was happening within myself instead of having a bad feeling that I couldn't name, AND the fact that I have ACTUALLY been resting rather than "stress resting" and had the energy to articulate that I wasn't going to think about it now and to formulate the accommodation.

I feel like that was a win.  He is a curious person and I like that about him, but I REALLY hate transitions/distractions when I'm doing things, so the solution removed the immediate demand while still allowing him to ask.  I did answer him after I was done repotting - he didn't even have a chance to email me.  😆  But it's nice to have a plan in place because this WILL come up again.

Also, email specifically vs. a text or message:  Texts and messages feel like they require an immediate response, which if I could give, I would have done verbally in the moment.  Email is not urgent, and I can open and answer it at my convenience without it getting lost.  It will be waiting in my inbox for me to be ready.

Anyway.  I hope you all are doing well.  I'm getting better, slowly, but surely.  I finally heard back from my therapist and she doesn't do the kind of therapy I need, so she is going to refer me to someone.  But things are progressing, and that's really all I can ask.

Last night I did some research (with AI)...

Last night I did some research (with AI) on PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance/Persistent Drive for Autonomy/Pervasive Demand for Autonomy) as it relates to Autism and I'm pretty sure I have that.  I spent most of my 20s/30s proclaiming "I do what I want!" in response to many things.  😆  If you knew me then or were an online friend, then you probably heard that or saw it written at some point.

I know that sounds silly, but that is also not the only reason I identify with that profile.  I read that the call could also be coming from inside the house, and that the best way to change that (even for tasks you WANT to do), is to change the language surrounding it.

I had previously mentioned that I have an ever-growing To-Do list (including things I want to do so that I don't have to hold them in my brain), so my most recent strategy was to put some of the tasks on my calendar to do on certain days to see if I could motivate myself that way.  Big shock:  I could not.  I did a few things at first (as usual), then got tired of having tasks blowing up my phone and started ignoring them.  Then I started feeling "behind", of course.  It became stressful.

SO... last night I was thinking of my list.  And I tried following the advice of changing the language around my tasks.  Instead of "I NEED to repot my plants" I changed it to "I CHOOSE to repot my plants."  Instead of "I SHOULD add my swatched polishes and storage location to the PATT app", I thought "I WANT to add my swatched polishes and storage location to the PATT app."  And it's crazy because I DO want to do those things, but by thinking of them as "needs" or "shoulds", it makes the task heavier and harder to start.  It becomes a demand, and I avoid it - even though it's a thing I placed solely on myself.

I can't say that the shift in thinking directly caused this, but I woke up earlier than I usually do, and I felt MUCH lighter.  I didn't actually even DO anything.  I was just thinking about my list before bed.  Nothing got checked off; I just changed how I thought about it, and it felt nicer somehow.  So there is that.

I am also trying to learn not to use cortisol/adrenaline to get myself to start tasks (like by procrastinating and doing things at the last minute).  It creates a shame cycle and it's an unhealthy way to cope that I am hoping to stop.  I am not a lazy person.  I love to do things.  I love to learn and to feel accomplished and feel peaceful in my space (because I cleaned it or whatever).  But I get stuck often and that could be related to low dopamine, which tracks because I usually start dopamine-seeking when I'm stuck by scrolling the Internet or shopping online - which are not healthy coping mechanisms, either.

I have been starting my days by having tea in the greenhouse - to kind of pre-load some dopamine in a healthy way while simultaneously getting some sunshine in my eyeballs.  I haven't been able to stick to it every day, but I will keep trying.  I notice that I do feel more peaceful on the days I do it.

So there is that.  I don't know if any of this information could be useful to anyone else, but if you feel like you're terrible at sticking to things and procrastinate often and avoid even tasks you'd like to do, then maybe try being a little nicer to yourself and also reframe your thinking a bit.  Couldn't hurt to try!