Okaaay. Here we go. I'm about to say some stuff I've been holding in for a couple of years now. This is going to be long and probably ugly. I am generally a peaceful person, but when you mess with my kids that changes.
Kira has been talking for weeks about seeing her blood-relatives for Christmas. She's been picking out thoughtful gifts that she's bought with her own money and generally being very optimistic about it. The huge, giant problem is that she wants to bring me and Shaun with her. For 3 of her family members, this is not ok. Everyone else is being really cool about it, but these 3 individuals are not, so they've upset our girl and put her in yet another no-win situation and I'm not a fan.
Whether anyone likes it or not the fact is that Shaun and I are Kira's comfort zone. We have protected her, loved her, supported her, listened to her, not judged her, and helped her with any and every problem she's had since 2017. We treat her as our own because as far as we are concerned, she is. She was the most wonderful gift from the universe and we cherish her. I don't really see why it's a shock that she wants one or both of us with her - especially if she might find herself in an uncomfortable situation.
The problem is the judging Aunt Robin and the "she owes me because I birthed her" Tammy. And Nonnie, if you're jumping in on their side, then this goes for you, too. Where were you when her shoes were too small and she only had 3 pairs of underwear? Where were you when she was constipated for 2 years? Where were you when she was sent here from an abusive situation and depressed? Where were you when her bra was so small it was causing her pain? Where were you when she was scared because of abusive situations here? Where were you when she needed to see the dentist and the eye doctor? There is so much more but I don't even have the time to list it all.
Robin and Tammy: Your probing questions about her relationships, our financial situation, what she's doing with her life - all of that makes her uncomfortable and puts her on the spot. Your judgement about her piercings or hair or whatever, she doesn't need it. She doesn't want to be around either of you - especially not without one of us. And why would she? That doesn't sound like a great time. Also, I've told you both repeatedly that we're an open book, but you refuse to speak to me or Shaun and would instead rather make Kira uncomfortable than to just act like adults and talk to one of us.
Robin: I don't know what is with you lately and being on Kira about getting a job (and saying she's just like her mother), but you can butt the hell out. When you're supporting her you can have an opinion. Until then it's not your business. I will say this, though: Kira has some physical and mental health issues, and she has been working hard to overcome them. She's had more procedures and surgeries than anyone else her age that I know. She has some chronic health problems that make it hard for her to function. We are working on that. SHE is working on that, and we are proud of her. She is doing enough.
Tammy: I don't even know where to start with you. I guess here: Children don't owe you love or respect just because you chose to birth them. If you want a relationship with Kira, MAKE ONE. It's really that damn simple. Get to know her. I promise you, you don't know her as she is now. But she's amazing and you're missing out. Also, what kind of mom doesn't want to hear about her child's health issues? I'm sorry if they gross you out, but you're supposed to care. And what is with you using HER for emotional support? As a parent I would do my best to not stress my kids out, and to also be there for them. But you have it the other way around and that is just not cool. She is not in a place where she needs to have the responsibility of being your emotional support. Go to therapy. And another thing: If I was failing as a parent and someone stepped in to help me I'd feel grateful that my child was cared for and not nitpick things you don't like about us to justify your hostility. It doesn't have to be like this. We are still open to having a relationship with you.
So of course this is a source of tension with Christmas nearing. Kira wants to be there with her family but not without us. We remain neutral and respect her feelings and decisions as a young adult. If she goes without us she will be uncomfortable with at least 2 relatives. If she doesn't go she misses out on seeing everyone else and gets guilted for "never coming around." There is no way she can win in this situation. It's really not cool.
To the rest of the family who's remained supportive of Kira and accepting of us, Shaun and I APPRECIATE YOU. We believe that it takes a village and that she needs all the love and support she can get. I honestly hold no ill-will towards anyone. I will say that it's not the most comfortable for us to show up at your family gatherings because we know some of you don't like it and we don't want to ruin a good time, but we do it for Kira. We wouldn't be there if she didn't ask us to be. Most of you have been great and I've enjoyed getting to know you all. I would love it if things could be peaceful and I apologize for any discomfort or upset, but it's a tricky position to be in and we're navigating the situation the best we can.
***Posted with Kira's permission. This situation is already an issue. She and I would like to have a conversation with anyone who has a problem, though. It really doesn't have to be like this.
