We finally have electricity again.

I'm studying in my car by the light of the Wal-Mart parking lot...

I'm studying in my car by the light of the Wal-Mart parking lot because my power is still out and I have shit to do.

Nothing about this day has been easy or fun. Maybe I'll tell y'all about it tomorrow, but for now I gotta go over my practice problems again.

I watched my lecture and I'm heading home.

I watched my lecture and I'm heading home. Aside from needing to study I dislike using data on social media. I might check in a few times because I have obligations to groups, but I'll likely be MIA today. Please don't feel ignored if I'm not quick to respond to things. ❤️

My power is out.

My power is out. I drove to JSU to get on wifi so that I could attend my online lecture from my car. Unfortunately, we seem to be having some technical issues within Teams. 

The storm kept me awake last night. Lots of limbs fell on the house. I have to check for damage when I get back home. I need to spend my day studying because I'm taking my Differential Equations exam tomorrow.

I'm tired and I don't know when electricity will be restored. This is going to be a super fun day - I can just tell. 🙄

I hope everyone is ok. I've already seen a few sad posts in Happy Tails Lost & Found Pets of Calhoun County. Please help keep an eye out for missing pets. Maybe this day can suck a little less for a few people. ❤️

I've done math ALL DAY.

I really couldn't imagine having one this size.

I really couldn't imagine having one this size. My little brick-sized kid is bad enough. 😂😂😂

A post from a friend:

75# Tortoise........ "HEY! Open this door."

Me................. "You can't come out right now."

75# Tortoise........ "I do what I want."

Me................. "Sorry. I forgot."

Plant friends: I need help.

Plant friends:  I need help. These came home with us after the funeral and I don't know what they are or how to care for them. I also don't really have space for all of these, PLUS, Shaun has bad allergies so if anyone could give them a good home I would be grateful for that.

The green and white one is in a pot with dirt, so I'm guessing it could live if someone knew how to care for it. I like this one the most and would try to care for it if it's easy.

The yellow ones are in a pot with dirt, so I'm guessing they could live if someone knew how to care for them. These seem more pollen-y than the green and white and I don't think Shaun would want them indoors.

The multi-colored ones are stuck into green Styrofoam. Are they going to die? Can they be saved?

Shaun buried his last parent today.

Shaun buried his last parent today.  We're doing ok, all things considered.  It rained all day so our plan to be able to social distance at a graveside funeral didn't work out, but we'll quarantine to make sure we didn't catch COVID.  Mostly we're exhausted, and there is still a ton to do.  Thankfully, nothing urgent at this point.

These last few weeks have been so extremely hard.  It's hard to see a person suffer.  It's terrifying to watch someone's health decline with such speed.  It's a helpless and hopeless feeling to know that there is not anything you can do to stop anything that is happening.

If there is one thing I've learned from this experience it's that keeping a binder or drawer of IMPORTANT paperwork related to your eventual death would be so helpful for your loved ones.  We are definitely planning to get things in order for our kids, like, now.  The stress of finding all of the info that a funeral home requires, knowing if / where / how there are funds to help with burial expenses, etc., would save a lot of stress.  Put vet records, house deeds, car titles, advance directives, and the will in with this.  Add accounts, what they are for, what things mean.  Have a paper saying where the septic tank is.  Write down relevant family history that is usually seen in obituaries.  All I know is that when I die it's going to be hard enough and my final act of love towards my kids is going to be that I made my death as easy as possible for them.  There is really no reason not to do this, so please, DO it.

And with that, we're off to rest.  Goodnight, friends.

Funeral is over. We're home.

Funeral is over. We're home.

TL;DR:  I hated it and I'll be shocked, SHOCKED, if we don't end up having COVID.

First of all, it rained all day. HARD. What's funny about that is that Shaun's dad always complained about never getting any rain. In all of the 12 years I've known the man, he's never been satisfied with the amount of rain he's gotten. And today, the day we definitely needed to be outside for social distancing and fresh air, it just wouldn't stop.

So when we arrived at the funeral home a guy with an umbrella was waiting for us. He was not wearing a mask. We didn't yet have ours on, but he motioned for us to put the window down so he could give us instructions. He was a bit confusing, but I tried. Then he walked around the building to tell me to do something else. By this point, we'd masked. He was still not. I'd opened my car door AND HE LEANED IN to talk to Shaun about being in the front of the procession. We didn't want to. "But you know you're the son, right?" was his dumbass response. At this point I opened my umbrella on him and told him we know and that we still didn't want to.

Finally, we made it to the front of the funeral home and proceeded to get a thousand hugs, handshakes, and condolences. More people than we were expecting were masked, but a lot weren't, and of course there were those who had to wear the masks wrong. It wasn't better inside.

They let us in to make sure everything looked ok. It was fine. People milled about for an hour or so before the funeral director asked if we would prefer to use their chapel because of the rain. We said ok, since there were a lot of elderly people who probably didn't want to stand around in the mud and rain. Another hour passed. We watched the slideshow the funeral home made of photos. Shaun picked some excellent photos, btw. Then the service finally started.

The Army soldiers did their thing. No 21 gun salute since we were indoors, but they "played" Taps (faked it really badly on an instrument that clearly had a speaker in the horn part) and folded the flag shittily, according to Shaun. They presented him with the flag and then the preacher spoke. After that, we were "dismissed" to the church for food. We went to the church and watched the burial, then ordered a deep dish pizza and went home.

There was a lot of people and the absolute lack of social distance and masking has me really uncomfortable. Shaun and I are going to quarantine just in case. It's not like I need to do anything but study this week, anyway. If I don't get my head back on school I could really screw myself over this semester.

Also, I now have some potted plants that I don't know how to care for. And extra fun: Someone stole my good umbrella.

But it's over. The part I was most terrified of is over. If we made it through this without catching COVID I'll be amazed and thrilled. I guess time will tell.

I had nightmares about this funeral.

I had nightmares about this funeral. About people getting close to us (not social distancing), about me making a scene about that, about FIL being buried with a slain horse (because for whatever reason [in dreamland] Veterans get buried with horses), about his dead body being dead but somehow waking up and looking for deceased MIL (who for some reason in my dream was alive) to give her a kiss.

To be super clear I'm going solely to support my husbang. I personally do not give one shit about this sort of thing. Plus, pandemic and all that.

We're going to make sure the funeral home has everything setup ok and then we're going outside. Anyone who wants to offer condolences to us at the funeral home can do it outdoors.

The actual service will be graveside, which we did purposefully due to the pandemic. Since FIL was a Veteran they are folding a flag and handing it to the next-of-kin, which is Shaun. We'd planned to keep distance from the crowd, but it sounds like we need to be up front for that. At least it's outdoors.

The worst part is probably after, when everyone expects to come to the house and bring food. We don't want a bunch of people in the house that we are now responsible for. We asked FILs sister if she'd host and a few days ago and she said that was fine, but there is a ton of plastic dishes and cutlery in the house now, so we aren't sure if that's the plan at this point. If everyone is coming to the house we're responsible for, we feel a pressure to be there. If not, we can skip it. We can stay outside regardless, but we're honestly just not up for socializing after all of this.

Oh, and guess what? I have been excessively tired for days and felt feverish last night. It could be another round of PMS because my period didn't make it last week. I have an IUD so I'm thinking the lateness is caused by stress. But with as much as we've had to see people lately I can't pretend that despite our best efforts it is entirely possible I've caught the virus (or some other bug). Wonderful.

By the way, I apologize for not responding to everyone's comments (yet). I will. It's just been an insanely busy week and I'm running low on energy.

Hi, friends. We've had a rough few weeks around here.

Hi, friends.  We've had a rough few weeks around here.  We found out at the beginning of October that my father-in-law, Shaun's dad, had cancer in his lung.  He'd been feeling bad for quite a while before that, but we'd not received an official diagnosis prior.  Last week, another scan was done and cancer was also found in his rib.  He went from being able to get around to needing assistance extremely fast.  He spent some time in the hospital and was due for a PET scan this past Monday to determine what stage of cancer he had and what kind of treatment he would need.  Unfortunately, he never woke up for his appointment and Shaun found him passed away in his bed.

This has been an extremely difficult time for us.  Shaun and his family did an amazing job of caring for Uncle Jr., as they call him, and I am especially proud of how Shaun cared for his father with such compassion.

Below is the service information.  Feel free to share this, especially friends from the Munford / Talladega area, as I know he was a well-loved man.

Another private one.

Another private one.  The funeral home has already posted the obituary, so I'll be speaking freely soon.  I just wanted to let you all know how we are doing.

The last two days have been pretty terrible as far as emotions and workload go.  The emotions part is pretty self-explanatory.  Despite feeling relieved that he is no longer suffering FILs death is still a loss and a HUGE change.  Change is also scary and both mine and Shaun's anxiety has been through the roof.  These kinds of emotions are EXHAUSTING.  But that exhaustion did not negate the fact that we had to get a lot of things together for the funeral home and make sure that any valuables in the for-now empty (of people) house were secured.  Needless to say, we slept like rocks last night after two days of going so hard.

FILs house was clean and tidy except for dust and I wouldn't say that he was a hoarder, but OH MY GOSH, the amount of paperwork we had (and still have) to go through is INSANE.  We kept finding it everywhere.  We found (in two different places) 3 copies of stubs where he paid his life insurance premium, (but no contract), so we have no idea how much of the funeral cost that will cover.  I did call yesterday, but they won't give out the amount that the contract pays regardless of whether you have the account number or not.  I suppose that is a safe way to do things.

We searched for 2 days for the keys to the safe deposit box before we found them.  We thought that some of the things the funeral home needed might be in there so we didn't want to expend too much energy going through papers until we had that.  Turns out, there was only one helpful thing in it so we still had a lot of work to do.  We managed to get as much of it together as we could yesterday and went to the funeral home to make preparations.  I don't know if this would be considered a cop-out, but the funeral home director had looked up what Shaun's father chose for his mom, so we went with a matching casket and all that.  The only thing we did differently was the memorabilia thing which he didn't do for Shaun's mother (and later regretted).

We need to get some more photos to the funeral home, but other than that I think we've done what we can do.  The funeral is on Saturday because the pastor that FIL wanted has doctor appointments on Thursday and Friday.  That will give any out-of-town relatives time to get here, anyway.  We chose a graveside service unlike what Shaun's mother had due to COVID.  Maybe these older conservative types don't care about catching a virus, but we're not going to endanger them any more than is necessary.  Since he's a Veteran, there will be a 21 gun salute, which I've never seen IRL before, so that will be neat.

All in all I think that aside from the actual funeral we are past the hardest part.  The will left everything to Shaun since he is the only child so that is pretty straightforward, although both executors have passed away which might complicate things.  I think we'll probably end up needing to get a lawyer to help us navigate all of the upcoming paperwork, but I don't know.  This is uncharted territory for us.  I foresee a lot of paperwork and paperwork-sorting-through and phone calls in our near future.  Super fun times.  /sarcasm

Other than that I have basically neglected school for the last 3 weeks and I have an exam coming up on Tuesday.  I'm going to email my professor and ask if I can take my exam on the following Friday because an extra few days would help me a lot and I really need some time to catch up.  I've attended every online lecture, but I haven't done a lick of homework because of, well, everything.  I am hoping that she will have mercy on me.

The silver lining to all of this is that I am sure that Shaun and I can survive anything together.  We've been though a lot of hard things in our 12 years as a couple, but this is probably our biggest team-work type of challenge in all of that time.  We were pushed to our emotional edges and to physical exhaustion simultaneously over the last two days and aside from being just SLIGHTLY short with each other a few times, we've gotten a lot done and have propped each other up in a big way.  I never doubted us, but it feels nice to pass a test with flying colors.

P. S.

Death is going to happen to all of us.  After us finding paperwork everywhere and having to sort through it all, we 100% are going to make a "Shit, I Died" binder for the kids.  It's going to have all relevant paperwork and info for them so that we don't put them through more stress when we pass away.  I'm sure (or at least I hope) that most people have a filing cabinet or some type of organization system in place in their home, but if you do not, please, for the sake of your loved ones get it in some kind of order.  We didn't know the name of his life insurance company and still don't know how much of the funeral cost will be covered.  We don't know if he had more than one life insurance policy, or burial insurance, or the location of anything that would let us know.  We just have two boxes of mixed papers that we're going to have to sort through to make sure we don't miss anything helpful or important, and it should have been relatively easy for it not to be that way.  Please don't put your loved ones though more stress at a very hard time in life.  Please let your final act of love towards them be that you took care of them during your loss.

This is probably my last private post for a while (hopefully).

This is probably my last private post for a while (hopefully).  I will write a public post at some point later once I'm sure all of the family members have been informed.  Shaun's father passed away this morning.

Around midnight last night Shaun texted me and we had a little chat about how his care-taking duty was going.  It was actually pretty heart-warming.  He said he remembers calling to his parents from his old bedroom as a child and that this was a strange role reversal.  He said it wasn't so bad helping his dad up and down to get to the bathroom; they would just chat about random stuff while he tried to poop (which FIL hadn't done in about a week either due to the possible stroke found in the recent scans or his pain medication; we're not sure).  He said he wasn't stressed or grossed out - it was just something that needed to be done.  Some other relative had gotten FIL some adult pull-up style diapers and he'd been wearing those, which helped with the urine aspect of things.  It was so weird hearing him talking about changing his dad.  Regardless, hearing that he was doing ok with all that calmed my nerves a great deal and I actually slept a bit last night.

I woke up around 9 this morning to a phone call from a sobbing Shaun.  I could barely make out what he was saying but I heard that he needed me there and to be careful, so, instantly awake, I threw on some clothes and left the house.  When I got to the road that his father lives on I saw an ambulance leaving the driveway and then turning their lights off.  Unsure if FIL had passed I asked the first person I saw, which was an officer doing paperwork in the driveway, and he confirmed what I suspected.

Shaun was basically up with his dad all night.  Since FIL was so constipated, he wanted to try to use the bathroom frequently.  I didn't find out until this morning (Shaun was probably protecting me from it) but he said his dad moaned and writhed in pain almost all night despite the pain medication (which he wasn't doing at the hospital, so his condition had deteriorated); it was not a restful night for anyone.  At some point around 6 this morning, Shaun fell asleep.  He woke up around 8 to a relative calling to be let in because they were going to help him dress FIL and get him ready for his appointment.  He woke up to let them in, then went to check on his dad and found him unresponsive.  Relative (a nurse) started doing CPR while Shaun called 911.  His pacemaker / defibrillator started making noise and delivered a shock.  The paramedics arrived and tried CPR, to no avail.  At some point while that was going on, the pacemaker company called and asked about a weird rhythm showing up on their monitors a couple hours prior.  As far as I know the cause of death is that his heart stopped.  With having 10% function for so long, that is really not surprising.

After the coroner picked FIL up, we spent a few hours looking for documentation that the funeral home requested (with no success).  There were a lot of people around and it was really stressful.  Last night I had scheduled a grocery pick-up from Wal-Mart for the noon-1 timeslot today, so I told Shaun we should go get our groceries, go home, let him get some rest and come back later when he was feeling better and the house was empty.  We got home, he showered, ate, and crashed.  I feel so bad for him.  He says his body hurts from lifting his dad so much (he weighed 200 lbs and Shaun lifted him at least 20 times last night).

So... funeral stuff and estate stuff is where we are now.  That is also extremely stressful, but in a different way.  I know this sounds horrible but we are relieved that his dad is not suffering anymore because he definitely was and had been for a while.  Being unable to help that in any way was getting to us so bad.  I'm just grateful that Shaun had as good of a night as he could with him before he passed away.

Small private update:

Small private update:

I got my husbang back yesterday.  When he got home, he showered, ate, and then crashed out a bit later.  He really needed the rest.

We spent almost all day today (with anxiety to the max) waiting to hear when FIL would be discharged from the hospital.  We thought that Shaun would be picking him up and taking him home.  Finally around 3 we called around and found out that he'd been discharged around noon and that the other relatives had gotten him home safe.  That's all fine and good, but some communication would have been nice.

In any case, no one else could take him for his scan tomorrow, so Shaun packed up and went to spend the night with his dad so he could take him to his appointment.  At least it'll be quiet and he'll have a bed and food this time.  And thankfully, he'll be able to un-mask in his bedroom.

SUPPOSEDLY the results should be ready within 24 hours and we're supposed to know something on Tuesday.  To be honest, I'm going to be really pissed off if that is not the case.  FIL looks like he's knocking on death's door (not to be insensitive, but he's 81 with 10% heart function and AT LEAST Stage 3 lung cancer, so nothing about this is good).

Aside from that the not-knowing is making me so anxious that I can't even think.  I am not trying to make this about me, but I will admit to not studying as much as I should have for that last quiz I bombed.  I felt better about the material than the 2/10 I made on the quiz, but after I had technical difficulties on top of me already being frazzled, it was game over for real and I knew it.  I just can't concentrate.  I'm worried, scared, anxious, and my home life is not calm or normal with Shaun having to do so much.

AND I'm terrified of him catching COVID while being so selfless and caring because the relatives that keep popping in and out do not wear masks.  After we get results if it turns out that Shaun has to move in with his dad temporarily, that will change because he's not risking himself every day for their comfort.  He doesn't want to start pissing people off if we're going to need their help in the near future, though.  If we won't need them, then he'll take care of his dad on his terms, but otherwise we can't alienate people right now.  His dad would hate that, anyway.

I guess I'm out of things to say.  All of this sucks and I hate it.  I will never put my children though this.

This is another private post about my father-in-law (FIL) and his health.

This is another private post about my father-in-law (FIL) and his health.

Monday, FIL fell and laid in the floor for two and half hours until his brother-in-law found him.  They called a local relative and it took four people to get him up.  He said he didn't feel like he needed to see the doctor and went for a nap.  After he woke up he was no longer able to walk.  The relatives all convinced him that he needed to go to the hospital, so he did.

At the hospital they did CT scans on him.  We already knew about his lung cancer, but they saw something on his rib on the same side.  At first they thought it was a fracture from falling, but it turned out to be cancer on his rib which wasn't there a few weeks ago when he had his initial scan done.

FIL has remained hospitalized all week.  He's on an IV with nutrition in it (I'm sure there is a name for it, but I don't know what it is) to try to get his strength up (he hadn't been eating much due to nausea and vomiting).  He was supposed to have a PET scan done on Wednesday to diagnose what stage cancer he has so that treatment (if possible) could begin, but the hospital said it would be cheaper for him to have it done as outpatient, so it hasn't been done.  Note:  We waited 2 weeks to get that appointment and it didn't happen.  I don't know if it was the hospital or FIL who refused to do the scan, but regardless, it didn't happen.

He's been at the hospital all week.  His brother-in-law and sister were staying with him (taking turns since only one person is allowed), but something (I'm not sure what) happened with his brother-in-law yesterday and they decided they had to go.

Note:  Shaun works night shift right now, from 2 am to 7 am (work is slow right now).  I dropped him off at the hospital at 10 yesterday morning and he's been there now over 24 hours alone with his dad.  He had a Soylent (400 calorie shake) yesterday morning and hasn't eaten since (he doesn't feel safe removing his mask).  He's slept only a few minutes at a time.  He's been masked for 24 hours and his ears hurt.  He is miserable.  But his dad called us yesterday morning, sounding like he was at death's door and said that he needed Shaun.  So like a good son, he went.

They spoke to a social worker yesterday about his dad going to a nursing home rehab for three weeks to be able to walk again.  As far as I knew that was the plan.  But then a doctor came in and said that doing that would further delay his scan and possible treatment, so they are still there today, waiting to speak to another social worker.  The plan for the moment is that they are doing home health so that he can get his scan and treatment started, and THEN go to rehab.

That is all fine and good, but home health can only do so much so family is going to have to help FIL until he goes to rehab.  Unfortunately, Shaun is the only one who's strong enough to lift FIL to help him and to pick him up if he falls again, so it's looking to me like I might be without my husbang for a while.  I am sad.  I hate knowing that Shaun is unhappy.  He is a kind soul and will take care of his father, but this is extremely stressful for him and basically his worst fear realized.  And of course I am stressed to death, as well - because of course I am.

Anyway, that is what's up with that whole situation.  Nothing is going well and I feel like the hospital is trying to kill FIL by delaying his scans and by extension his treatment.  It's been about a month since the biopsy was done to confirm it was cancer.  For fuck's sake, FIL is 81 and already in rough shape.  It seems like doing things in a timely manner would be essential to helping him.  Or maybe COVID is impacting things and if that's the case, it's really bad timing to be getting cancer.  I don't know.  But this is an awful situation and we're all struggling.

Unsurprisingly after the shit show that was my Tuesday morning...

I hope today gets better.

I hope today gets better.  I haven't slept well / much in the last two days.  I've also been exceptionally hot, to the point where I actually turned the air conditioner back on (we'd turned it off since the mornings have been cool recently).  Anyone who knows me knows that I don't get hot.  I wear long pants and hoodies in this Alabama heat.  I wear hoodies indoors 99% of the time.  There is always a blanket on me when I'm chilling on the couch.  But lately I am a sweaty mess.  After starting to cramp last night I'm thinking that these are fun new PMS symptoms.  Woohoo.  /sarcasm

Since I'm obviously feeling super great and rested and smart and patient, of course things went well with my quiz this morning.  I logged into the Team meeting and got called out for not having my webcam on, which was mandatory for taking the quiz.  But I had turned my camera on, and the switch at the top of the meeting showed that it was on; however, the screen where I should have appeared was black.  Just as well because when I tried to access the quiz with the password I couldn't do get it to work.  My computer froze up and crashed.  By this point I was far past flustered; I wasn't even sure I'd be allowed to take the quiz.  Thankfully, when I got booted up and rejoined the meeting (with a working camera this time), the professor let me take it.

There were only 4 questions and I made it through ONE.  Whatever happened with my computer, it wasn't a fast reboot and it was sluggish after that.  So opening the quiz took forever.  Me struggling through a problem took forever, as my anxiety was up and I was trying not to think about what the hell was wrong with my computer.  My concentration was gone.  Then when it was time to upload a photo of my work, that ALSO took forever.  It was awful and my grade is going to take a hit because of that.  (My teacher did give me the same amount of time as everyone else even though I joined the meeting a whopping 15 minutes late, but after struggling through one problem I knew that I wouldn't make it though a whole 'nother problem, especially with how slow my computer and my brain were running.)

ANYWAY.  I'm hoping that that was the worst part of my day.  If not, well, I don't even know.  But I hope your Tuesday started off less stressful than mine.

I wasn't the best at Networking, but I get this and it's funny.

I wasn't the best at Networking, but I get this and it's funny. Kind of want this shirt. 😂😂😂

Being able to fail is a luxury AND A PRIVILEGE.

Being able to fail is a luxury AND A PRIVILEGE.

I've been ok today.

I've been ok today.  I guess sleeping late this morning and napping yesterday helped.  Plus all of you - I have some really great friends.  I appreciate everyone who encourages me when I'm struggling.  Thank you.  ❤

It's been a chill day, but not good.

I really didn't think I'd be making another private post so soon, yet here we are.

I really didn't think I'd be making another private post so soon, yet here we are.

Shaun saw his dad yesterday.  I stayed home because I just needed to.  Unfortunately, there was not a good report back.  Shaun said that his dad was at the kitchen table trying to eat dinner.  He had a pillow on the table and kept putting his head down because he was in so much pain.  On top of his leg and side hurting, his back and neck hurt now, too.  I do not understand why he doesn't go to the doctor to get something else for the pain.  Having pain medication shouldn't make his cancer any worse while we wait to figure out if / how it can be treated, but hearing his final diagnosis seems to be what he is waiting for.

Shaun was planning to call and check on his dad today, but before he could he got a call from one of his cousins.  We answered immediately thinking there was an emergency, but it wasn't.  She was there cleaning FILs house.  She asked if Shaun was planning to come over today and basically put the words in his father's mouth that he should.  So like a good son, he went.

When he arrived she was still there cleaning.  She told him how she'd worked the races this past weekend.  Guess who wasn't wearing a mask?  I don't know why I am surprised at this point.  Shaun sat with his dad, then got the showerhead installed and helped his dad into and out of the shower.  He said that his dad was silent pretty much the whole time the cousin was there.

When she left his dad said something about people not taking "No" for an answer.  Shaun said that all of the relatives are just barging in and out, bringing food and cleaning (the house is always a step above decent, in my opinion), and prompting him to do things (like shower) when all he really wanted was to rest.  He's complained before about them calling and if he doesn't answer because he's asleep or in the bathroom, they then come over to check on him.  I understand the need to take care of people, but at the same time if they are not into what you are doing, why force yourself on them?  I guess he's not speaking up for himself.  Or maybe he is and they are ignoring him because it makes them feel better to "be there" for him.  I really don't know.  But now I feel a ton less shitty about our "lack" of involvement in his day-to-day because I know it's not welcome.

I still feel shitty about him being in pain, but there is nothing I can personally do about that.  I still feel SUPER STRESSED about the possibility of him or us catching COVID because of the way the relatives are behaving.  I mean, FIL is 81 with lung cancer.  If COVID is going to take anyone out I think it would make a quick job of him.  I do not understand people at all.  Shaun wears an N95 and keeps his distance when anyone is around (opting to not be in the house with them at all if possible), but everyone else is being exceptionally careless in that respect.

I think I need to accept that this is a shitty situation and that most of the people involved aren't concerned at all with the pandemic.  Otherwise, these sad posts with me being shocked by peoples disregard for the health of others are going to remain a theme until FIL either passes away or makes a miraculous recovery.  While it helps me to write out my thoughts and vent, I don't think I've said anything new at this point and I doubt much will change besides details.  Maybe this will be the last one of these from me for a bit.  I'm sure these posts are super fun and exciting to read.  /sarcasm

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well.  We're stressing pretty hard over here, but Shaun said we could have a date tomorrow so that should be nice.  This is usually when we'd go to Baja and talk over dinner, but since we're not going out I don't know what we'll do.  In any case, as long as we take the time to look at each other and connect, we'll be ok.  Goodnight, friends.

Yesterday Kira had a doctor's appointment and it was pretty stressful.

Yesterday Kira had a doctor's appointment and it was pretty stressful.  The waiting room was over-crowded and some people weren't wearing masks properly.  The wait was long on top of that.  Once the waiting room started to clear out, we moved to seats that were a bit farther away from everyone.  THEN, some woman came and sat next to us so she could talk to another patient.  I was gobsmacked!  Kira and I ended up moving again and it was awkward, but that was SO NOT OK during a pandemic.  Also, on the way to the appointment we saw a dog riding in a car that looked strikingly like my recently-departed Booka.  Not gonna lie - I shed a few tears.

Today was better, though.  I attended my online class, then spent the rest of the day putting puzzles together.  I put together 20 200-piece puzzles on my tablet.  I'm playing on Microsoft Jigsaw and they had a cactus collection of puzzles.  You have to finish one to unlock the next, so I just kept on going until I unlocked them all.  You can also use your own photos to make puzzles.  One day when I feel up for it I might photograph some of my succulents and see how that turns out in puzzle form.  Anyway, other than puzzles I watched some shows with Shaun and cuddled my cat and chilled.  So basically, I sat around like a lump all day, but I feel almost ok again so that's nice.

Tomorrow, Shaun is planning to visit his dad again.  The relatives that usually keep an eye on his dad are out of town, so he definitely needs to be checked on.  Shaun also needs to have a look at his dads shower because his dad needs a removable showerhead and we want to make sure we get him one that will fit in his space.  We'll make sure that is taken care of in the next couple of days.  As for me, I might sit this visit out.  I found out this morning that I have a quiz next Tuesday, so I have some studying that I legit need to be doing.  Whether I use tomorrow to study or not, I don't feel like I can take another hit (stress or mental health-wise) without digging myself into a depression-hole, so it's probably safer to hide here with my animals and math and puzzles.

Anyway, I'm off to have some cereal and call it a night.  I hope you all are doing well.  If not, hang in there.  ❤

Once again, not a public post. And it's a doozy.

Once again, not a public post.  And it's a doozy.  As always, if you can see this your discretion is appreciated.

Yesterday was bad.  It started out great; I woke up early, had energy, and wanted to get some things done around the house.  Then I learned that we were visiting Shaun's dad (FIL).  I tried to make the best of it... since we were going out I thought we could take our recycling, donate some things to the thrift store, and drop some things off at my mom's house (we haven't seen her or my brother since March).  I mean, we did the things, but it was really NOT a good time.

Shaun and I have been extremely cautious since March.  We've made the exception to visit his dad because he is not doing well and might die soon (sorry for the bluntness, but I don't have the energy for pretty words today).  We prefer to see him on his porch, but we've been going inside (us always masked and distanced) when he's not up for coming out.  However, when we arrived yesterday there were two vehicles in the yard.  I was like "There is no way in hell I'm going in there with other people inside."  Shaun was in agreement.  So we sat in the car for a bit, and then on the porch.  His dad did come to the door and invite us in, but Shaun told him that it was ok and we would wait.  So we did.

After a while, FILs BIL comes out carrying a bag of trash and mumbling something to us about needing to clean the bathroom.  Then a bit later FILs sister and another relative come out and say "You coulda come in.  We ain't poison." Then they tell us that he needs a Swiffer (Shaun bought him one earlier this year) and that we need to be taking his blood pressure and all that, as well as coming over more often.  Then they tell us they are tired because they had been going to yard sales all morning.  Did I mention that none of these 3 people were masked?

First of all:  We're visiting as much as we can.  We call daily but if FIL feels too bad to have us over, we do not go.  He is an adult and can say what he wants.  We live a little over 30 minutes away and it's not like it's a convenient little pop-in to go out there.  Secondly, we're not nurses and have no intention of inserting ourselves into his medical care like that.  If he needs medical monitoring his insurance can cover home health for him.  And as for cleaning Shaun is happy to do whatever his dad asks him to do (in fact, he fixed the ice maker, refilled FILs hummingbird feeder, and trimmed FILs hair and eyebrows just recently), but we don't assume that he wants us to do anything he doesn't ask us to do.  By the way, none of this was said; Shaun just shrugged them off, but it all really got to me.  I am not a typical southern "woman" and I don't feel at all comfortable with the typical care-taking role that I'm sure is expected of me.

By this point my anxiety is wayyy up.  I don't like confrontations because in my family history there is usually violence when people disagree.  At the very least, yelling, and on the more serious side, there are physical altercations and weapons make an appearance.  Now I know that Shaun's relatives are old as shit and super Christian and don't seem THAT redneck, but tell that to the part of me that's in control of my emotions.  I was ready to go home and crawl into bed before even seeing FIL.

So people left and we finally went in.  FIL looked a bit better than the last time we saw him.  He'd been complaining a lot recently about his pain meds constipating him.  He then told us how he drank a whole bottle of laxative on Friday and then "Shit all the way from the kitchen to the bathroom."  The man never curses, so that was... something.  Apparently, he was cleaning up yesterday (Saturday) and got winded and called the relatives over.  I don't know if they were cleaning up poop from Friday or just cleaning in general, but there was no mess when we got there (not even in the bathroom where FILs BIL told us to clean), thank goodness.  Anyway.  The visit went ok.  Like I said FIL looked better and was able to stay awake and talk for a while.

Then it was time to stop by my moms house.  Like I said I haven't seen her or my brother since March.  I texted her and asked that we visit outside and wear masks and keep 6 feet of distance.  It was not a problem.  But do you ever just feel... talked AT, not talked TO?  I can't say that this would be new behavior from either of them, but damn if it wasn't disappointing - especially after such a long time of not seeing them.  I know that I post a lot about my life on here, but neither of them asked me how my class was going or told me they were excited / proud / happy that I would be graduating soon.  No one asked about the kids or how work was going for Shaun.  There was no interest shown in our lives whatsoever.

My brother immediately wanted to show me the plants he has (which I genuinely don't mind).  Mom told me about plans for her trailer.  Cool.  But after that, brother started showing us pictures of fungus on the internet and telling us facts he learned about them.  Meh.  Mom told us about Halloween decorations she wanted to make.  Ok.  Then she started talking about COVID and how if she feels like she's getting sick she'll just go stand in her hot greenhouse so it'll kill the virus.  I think that was the point I looked over at Shaun with dead eyes like "Why am I here?"  And the ending note of our "conversation" was them saying that they were ready for the civil war and that if anyone came on their land they would protect it and blah blah blah.

I hate to say it, but that visit made me realize that I probably don't want to do that again.  I feel like such a dick.  Obviously I love my mom and brother, but I have so little in common with them anymore.  We've been slowly but steadily growing apart and I don't even know if they notice it, but I sure do.  It makes my heart hurt.

Needless to say I laid in bed today until Shaun came to check on me.  And then I laid there some more.  I didn't get up until after 1 pm, which hasn't happened in a while.  Today I have felt dead inside and short on patience and down.  Straight up sad if I'm telling the truth.  So I need to do a good bit of self-care over the next few days and try to get right because I was doing so well.  Everything about yesterday just drained my battery.  Anyway, that's what is going on with me right now.  I hope you all are doing ok.

This is not a public post, so please use discretion if you can see this.

This is not a public post, so please use discretion if you can see this.

Today was hard.  It was the first time we've seen Shaun's dad in a little over a week.  Every time we've tried to visit him he says he feels too bad for company and that he needs to rest.  From the way he sounded over the phone, it was, unfortunately, very believable.

It is confirmed - he has cancer in his lung.  He has an appointment on the 14th to see how / if he can be treated.  He will get those results on the 19th.  I don't know if 2 weeks is a standard waiting time for a scan like this, but it seems like a long time to us.  In response to that he told us "Well, it's just a job to them."  That broke my heart.

He really doesn't look too good.  He's lost quite a bit of weight.  He's been nauseated and not eating like he should.  Shaun suggested he try Ensure and he was able to keep that down, thank goodness.  But it was hard visiting him.  He looked like the act of staying alive was exhausting to him.  I was honestly a little scared that he was going to close his eyes and just stop breathing.  I haven't been around a lot of deathly ill people so I don't know exactly how resilient the human body is, but dang.  He ended up almost falling asleep on us, so we told him we'd let him rest and said our goodbyes.

So, that is where we are with that situation right now.  The waiting is awful.  He is in pain from his leg still and also from the biopsy site.  I really wouldn't wish this on anyone.