It's been a few days since I've been on here much.

It's been a few days since I've been on here much.  The internship + commute are keeping me busy, so by the time I get home, I eat, do my Duolingo, and basically go to bed.  I might scroll reddit for a few minutes, but then my body shuts down and I SLEEP.  It's nice.  I am really enjoying waking up feeling rested.

This morning I got up around 9 and talked to Shaun after I had my breakfast.  I have not been able to engage in any meaningful conversation at home with him over the last year because I was constantly in fight or flight, so I'd have to change my environment (like go on a date) in order to focus on him.  But we talked for several hours and have a tentative game plan for how we'd like things to be moving forward.

I noticed another thing this week regarding being medicated for ADHD.  I've been able to set and keep boundaries.  Yes, I always knew logically that they were important, but knowing about something and being able to DO SOMETHING are two entirely different things.

I think that being able to do this now extends from a similar place of me being able to feel my body and my needs, which I struggled with before.  For example, my bodily functions (like peeing or eating); if it wasn't an emergency, it wasn't on my radar, but now it is.

At this moment, it doesn't feel wrong or stress me out to look out for myself or say that I need to rest or leave a task for tomorrow.  Things can need to be done without needing to be an emergency.  It's really ok.  This is such a better headspace to be in.

I am still having a lot of feelings, but that's ok.  I am just taking them as they come.

One of the feelings that I have right now is ambition and an eagerness to do things, but I am not taking on any other tasks or responsibilities right now.  I think it would be in my best interest to just do my best at the internship, and if I have leftover energy, to do things like update my app, swatch my polish, or check off any number of other things on my list.  I actually checked a couple of things off today, which feels really nice.

I am grateful that I feel better, but I definitely do not believe that 20+ years of exhaustion and stress melted off of my body and mind with the addition of one little pill over the last week.  I want to give myself space to rest and heal, as much as that could be possible, given my current workload of internship and teaching.

What's funny is that before medication, I would have jumped into a new thing with both feet, consequences be damned.  I really love this version of myself.  I love that I am able to pause, check in with myself, and make a decision from there.  I feel like in a lot of ways, I'm just now getting to know me because I couldn't find myself under the chaos before.  I am excited for this journey.

I feel like a Chaos Goblin.

I feel like a Chaos Goblin. I bet this is why people can exercise. I might have to try that again now that my wiring is corrected. 😂

The way I just stopped this guy...

The way I just stopped this guy working outside and bought him breakfast in exchange for a hug. I've had an emotional weekend and no squeezes because Shaun is sick and I've avoided him.

I got to practice my Spanish, as well.

Oh my wow.

Oh my wow. I've never had one of these bloom before! I'm so excited!!!

But she's stinky. 😂 Like something dead.

I...

I removed my gel overlay because it was peeling and a mess. I have also replaced it.

I don't think I've ever had time to do plants and nails in the same day.

I also washed my work clothes.

There are a few things left to do (feed Tort Baby, feed Habibi, and sweep/clean the litter boxes in the sunroom).

I would normally struggle through doing the animal work (but do it because I care about them), and neglect everything else.

This is wild. I feel like I have so much more time now.

I have finished watering my plants, and now I'm resting.

I have finished watering my plants, and now I'm resting.

I'm usually not out of bed before 1pm unless I HAVE to be.

I usually put off chores until THE LAST MINUTE. I'll be in the greenhouse watering plants by lamp at night because I couldn't function well enough to use the free daylight.

I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but ADHD meds are allowing me to be the person I've always wanted to be; the person I could only be in fits and starts; when the moon was in the right phase, Freddie Mercury was drinking Gatorade, AND I held my mouth just right. It was unpredictable when I could do things when and how I wanted, and the cost for that burst of "correctness" was high.

If other people's advice on how to exist doesn't work for you, I think it would be in your best interest to be tested. This shit is literally a disability. But it's one that may have a solution, and I'm telling you that the relief is real, and that you deserve it.

There's nothing quite like a morning in New Mexico.

There's nothing quite like a morning in New Mexico. I'm so grateful I'm awake to see it.