Story of my life:

Life update:

Life update:

I think Cymbalta is going to be ok for me.  I've been taking it as early in the day as I can and I still get drowsy, but that was also a thing for me with Celexa and Lexapro that faded over time.  So far I have not slept away most of the day again on Cymbalta like I did that first day, but I do get a little nap in after I take it.  I can live with that until it fades, which I'm assuming will happen eventually.  I am also mostly back to sleeping normally at night.  I can't say it's perfect yet, but I can say that I've noticed my motivation has increased.  I've been doing my daily chores plus a few extras, as well as some studying and homework without Shaun having to encourage me.  This is definitely improvement and I am grateful for it.

In other news:  I dropped Spanish.  I was enjoying the class, but I missed some work the few days I was having trouble adjusting and I also didn't want to have to record myself speaking it to send to the teacher.  I think I can learn it online or with DuoLingo just as effectively, so I will do that.  There will be a lot less pressure on me to do it in my own time rather than for a grade, and less pressure is not something that I will complain about right now.  Also, I'm still brushing up on Calculus for my D.E. class, so it's not like I don't have plenty to do.  And if (for whatever reason) I feel that I don't have enough to do, I can always study for my CSA!

That's about all that is new with me.  We (me, Shaun, and the kids) are all hanging in there and continuing to hide from the pandemic.  Shaun and I make an exception and visit his dad as safely as we can.  We're still utterly baffled by how many people don't seem to take the pandemic seriously, but we can't control anyone but ourselves, so we're just staying away from everyone as much as possible.  Also, don't forget that Black Lives Matter and that is not up for debate with me.  Have a good evening, friends!

Today is Shaun's birthday.

Today is Shaun's birthday.  We kept it low-key because, you know, pandemic, but I think it was nice.  The kids put most of the effort into making it special.  I only ordered a thing or two from Shaun's Amazon wish list, but they came hard with some nice handmade gifts.  Shadow drew this BOMB ASS space cat (two of Shaun's favorite things) in red and black (Shaun's two favorite colors) and Kira made this DELICIOUS Tres Leches cake (his favorite dessert of all the ones she's learned to make) with cherries (his favorite berry).

They came up with these things on their own and I'm honestly so proud of them for being such thoughtful humans and trying to make his day special.  After Shaun opened his gifts and we ate cake, we spent some time as a family playing games and hanging out.  It was really nice.

I know I usually gush about Shaun because today is one of my favorite days since it's the anniversary of his birth, but I did that a few days ago and today I'm just really feeling grateful for my whole little family.  I love them all so much and they make my world a brighter place.  ❤️❤️❤️

I just asked Kira how she manages...

I just asked Kira how she manages to get the whole bathroom counter wet when she washes her hands. 

Her response?

"I go crazy on it."

At least she's honest. 😂😂😂

Today started off pretty rough.

Today started off pretty rough.  I took my Cymbalta yesterday morning but still didn't really sleep last night; maybe a couple of hours here and there.  I woke up feeling like I was going to get a migraine, but thankfully took medicine in time to head it off.  I managed to not nap today; the kids came over and kept me company (and raided the kitchen, of course).  😂  It was good to see them.  Now it's late and I'm sleepy, so that's good timing.  I hope I get some rest tonight because I have class in the morning.  In any case I talked to my doctor and she recommended staying with taking it in the mornings and made sure to let me know I could try something else if this doesn't work out.  I'm not ready to give up on it yet, though.

In other news:  I really really love Shaun.  The other night when I was trying to sleep and I heard him getting ready for work I wanted to tell him "Good morning!" or "I love you" or anything, but I was afraid to rouse myself out of the pitiful semi-sleep I'd been able to achieve, so I didn't.  His schedule is all weird; at his job they are trying to keep the employees away from one another by everyone working a different shift (it's a very small company), so he's going in at 3 in the morning.  It sucks for him to have to go to work so early, but better safe than sorry.

He's been so great to me, even through my depression when I'm just a lump doing its best to keep existing.  He brings me food and does things for me when I'm struggling.  And he's so beautiful to me, with his muscles and his shapes and his fur.  His face is my favorite face ever.  I'm so happy that even after 12 years together my heart still gets happy when he comes home.  I know this is not an easy time for him.  

He's been majorly depressed since Trump was elected.  BLM has affected him.  His dad isn't doing that well and wants him around, but the pandemic makes that scary and stressful.  I wish I could help him with any of that, but instead I'm a depressed lump that probably doesn't make his life easier.  I really don't know why he still likes me, but I'm glad that he does.  I hope that I can be better soon, and that school will pay off, and life will be easier and better - at least in some ways.  But for now I'm gonna go and empty and reload the dishwasher so he doesn't have to see a mess when he wakes up.  That's the best I can offer today.

I think I invited...

I think I invited most of my nail art peeps who would be interested in these custom stamping plates to the group for purchasing, but if not, there's going to be a second round of orders so comment below if you want in. I received my plates today and they look great.

Oof. Took Cymbalta before bed.

Today was pretty good.

Today was pretty good.  I did my daily chores before 4 pm (and even did some laundry), got some studying / homework done, and showered.  I'm going to brush my teeth shortly and call it a night.

I consider this a win because I did the things I had to do - plus some extra - and I only napped once.  🙂

My first day on Cymbalta wasn't bad.

My first day on Cymbalta wasn't bad.  I did get a little nauseated this morning after I took it.  I napped several times today, so maybe I should be taking it at night.  We'll see.  I've felt a constant... I don't quite want to say "buzzing," but something in my muscles.  Almost like right before I get caffeine jitters, except the jitters never come.  It's far less bothersome and intrusive than jitters, whatever it is.  Maybe this is just what having some energy feels like for the first time in a while.  My head has felt only very slightly swimmy.  My appetite was pretty low.  My skin ALMOST feels tingly, but not quite.

Overall, today wasn't bad.  I should have studied more and slept less, but I'm being patient with myself.  I know that my brain and my body are going through some things and that can't be helped.  I just have to roll with it and do the best I can.  That has served me well so far, so I guess that's the plan.

I had a telehealth appointment today about my depression.

Two things:

Two things:

1. This is not a public post, so discretion is appreciated.
2. I am not ok and I definitely need advice if you have it.

I will try to keep this short, but we'll see if I can manage it.

Some of you may remember me saying that FIL was hospitalized last week (I think it was last week; I honestly have no concept of time lately, thank you depression).  He got home late last week and called us to come and see him on Saturday.  He knows we've not gone anywhere except for necessary places since March, but this sounded pretty serious, so we donned gloves and masks and went.

He told us that he has 10% heart function and there is nothing else that can be done for him.  (He's 81 and has had heart attacks and surgeries and procedures since he was in his forties, I guess).  He then showed Shaun what he wanted to be buried in and where his will was.  He was very emotional and it sounded pretty grim.  I'm guessing that he was close to dying when he went to the hospital and that scared him.

He told us we need to visit him every few days now.  He says he tested negative for COVID at the hospital, which is nice; HOWEVER, he's also resumed going to church (no masks required), having visitors over (I doubt they're wearing masks), stopped for food on the way home from the hospital, is going into Wal-Mart for groceries even though we offered to pick them up for him, AND forgot his mask and went in the pharmacy the other day rather than being patient and going through the drive-thru.  He says he's being careful, but his recount of his actions say otherwise.

If visiting FIL was stressful and anxiety-inducing before the pandemic (Shaun's pretty much the black sheep of the family), then doing it now is like, I don't even have the words.  We both come home with stress headaches from trying to stay vigilant about what is safe.  FIL doesn't make it easy.  He wants us to "try this watermelon" (we'd have to take off our masks) or "come look at this map" (getting closer to him than 6 feet away) and of course, we hug him goodbye.

I am torn between feeling selfish for not wanting us to catch COVID from him and how to be good to him and respect his wishes in what, I'm guessing he in a roundabout sort of way is trying to tell us are his last days?  I don't even know.  How long can a person live in his condition?  If it's so bad, why did he refuse to let us get him groceries so that he doesn't have to do the work or expose himself to COVID?  Why won't he let one or both of us stay out there just in case?  We offered and would have been glad to do it.  I just don't understand what is happening, but I know that Shaun and I can't do this for long.  Our mental health isn't going to allow it.

My antidepressants are failing me and this extra stress has just about put me down.  I slept for 19 of the past 24 hours.  I am not ok and I am so grateful that I have an appointment with the doctor soon.  I'm already thinking about dropping my Spanish class because I don't see how I'm going to be able to keep up with 2 classes when my full-time job seems to be depression sleeping.  I just really need help.  I don't know what to do.

Two Things:

Two Things:

1. Differential Equations was great. I am legit giddy. 😁
2. Why is this cat so cute? 😍😍😍😭😭😭

Despite how hard it's been to function recently...

Despite how hard it's been to function recently I'm pretty excited about starting classes tomorrow.  I can't believe I've made it to my final semester.  I have worked so hard for this; not comprehending up until about a year ago that I was actually going to finish school and change my life.  At some point, the "if I graduate" in my mind finally became "when I graduate," but I want you to know that the struggle to get there was real.  For the longest time I could not believe that this was for me.  I honestly don't know that I ever would have started college if my health hadn't kicked me in the ass.

At 32 when I was barely able to walk due to psoriatic arthritis, couldn't afford insurance, covered in psoriasis, and mental health hanging by a thread, a doctor told me to eliminate stress (it triggers psoriatic disease and depression).  I'm a pretty chill type of person, but raising a child by myself for years while living paycheck to paycheck had taken its toll on me.  I'd been working 2-3 jobs to try to make ends meet, the whole while feeling like a failure as a parent due to my son caring for himself so much.  I was not ok.  

Fortunately, most of my problems were financial.  My doctor told me that I seemed intelligent and to go to college.  He said that if I wanted it bad enough I could change my life.  That was November 2014.  January 2015 I started classes and haven't taken a single semester off.

I have honestly enjoyed my time as a student.  It has been extremely stressful at times, but honestly aside from the anxiety that I won't make it, it hasn't been worse than being poor and unhealthy - just different.  At least this kind of stress is due to me wanting something in life and trying to accomplish it.  I am hoping that after I graduate and find a job I can settle into a new normal - a less stressful normal, with health insurance for all of us and a career to look forward to.  I am grateful for my time in school and all that I have learned, but I am excited to see what the future holds.  I really want to see if all of this work paid off.

On that note I'm off to water a few thirsty succulents, shower, and get my notebook prepped for tomorrow.  Differential Equations and Beginner Spanish I:  I'm ready!  😃

I have a doctor appointment next week...

Because I'm tired of the things I share disappearing...

Because I'm tired of the things I share disappearing I'm copying and pasting, too:

Wanna know why there’s no media outrage for the white child murdered by that black dude?

Because there was literally no issue with serving him justice. Man was put in jail just like that.

If the man wasn’t put in jail you’d see an outrage.

Let that child Rest In Peace and stop using him to be racist.

#FalseEquivalence

Edit:  For those who just can’t understand anything at all:  I never told you that YOU shouldn’t be angry.

This is why my family is and has been staying to ourselves since March.

This is why my family is and has been staying to ourselves since March. We have been perhaps what you'd call "extremely" cautious, but for us it is absolutely NOT worth the risk. I know a lot of people who say that they have been careful, but have visited friends and family, traveled, eaten out, attended gatherings... That's just not how I define careful.

To be honest, I really don't mind masking and keeping distant. I hate smelling other people's breath and I hate being breathed on (regardless of how good or bad your breath is). Everyone can stay 6 feet away from me forever. 😂😂😂

So, Balthazar just bit through my fingernail.

TRIGGER WARNING:  Blood
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So, Balthazar just bit through my fingernail. It hurts, a lot, but the popping sound it made when it happened was nauseating. Maybe he agrees on that last bit because he ran and barfed right after.

He's normally a nibbly cat. This time, he chomped. 😳😦 RUDE.

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety the last few days...

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety the last few days... maybe closer to a week and a half by this point.  I've been taking my meds, resting, and just existing through it because there is nothing else to do, really.  I'm grateful that I have medication because without it I'm sure things would be much worse.  Regardless, this sucks and I'm not a fan.

I'm really not enjoying the pandemic.  Some people are just acting like nothing is going on and that drives me crazy.  I know that I'm at the other extreme; when we heard it was coming in March, me, Shaun, and the kids went into hermit mode.  "Better safe than sorry" is the way we feel about it, and while the down-time was nice in some ways, it's also getting pretty lonely for me.  But with case numbers spiking in Alabama right now I just don't feel like it's the time for us to start letting our guard down.

I think I do better when I have something to put my focus on, like school.  I've been trying to study for my CSA, but it's hard to focus or find motivation once I'm already in a slump, so I'm not making a lot of progress and that sucks, too.  My father in law was hospitalized with heart problems over the weekend, so I'm sad and stressed about that.  I'm sure he's safer at the hospital as far as his heart condition goes, but I worry about him catching COVID there.

It's just a bad time.  I know it is for a lot of us.  I really hope things ease up soon.

I don't have the 'Rona.

Tfw you've just woken up and...

Tfw you've just woken up and your husbang is like "Your roaches escaped." and you're like "What? No! How?!" and he blamed the cats but really me by saying that I left the container in the floor and then I go to the shelf where I left my roaches and they are where they are supposed to be, just chilling, so then I make them breakfast.

That is FAR too much range of emotion for me first thing after I wake up. 😬😳😒

Student loans won't cover just one class...

Student loans won't cover just one class (I have to go at least half-time for that) and we can't pay out of pocket right now.  So... I signed up for another class - Intro to Spanish!  😁  I'm pretty excited about that.  Shaun has been asking me to learn Spanish with him and Kira wants to know it, as well, so I think it'll be really fun and hopefully pretty helpful.  I am so excited for this semester!

We're so mean to these cats.

We're so mean to these cats. Sindar was so happy, purring and snuggling Shaun - until he started laughing which shook her. I started recording, but she was already over it. Look at that angry face! 😂😂😂

I received a COVID test kit...

I am 100% just over human beings right now.

I am 100% just over human beings right now.  I am disappointed in so many people.  I've dealt with a couple of hurtful Facebook comments in the past two days.  Shaun went back to work last week and I miss him.  The pandemic is finally closing in around us in my area and that is... well, that's a WHOLE thing.  I'm so excited for my last semester of college; I've been waiting for this for so long.  But I don't want to be forced to go into a classroom.  It does not feel safe or smart.  I don't know.

I know that every day isn't going to be sunshine and rainbows, but today has just felt plain bad.  I didn't sleep enough, my chest feels tight, and all else I feel is an impending sense of doom.  I might shower and brush my teeth and call it a night.  I'm not good for anything else right now.  Except holding cats.  I am pretty good at that, but it's pretty pathetic that I don't even have the energy to sit here and be a lap.  Ah, well, tomorrow is a new day.

Shaun asked me why I wasn't going to bed yet and

Shaun asked me why I wasn't going to bed yet and I answered "Because I am obviously not done holding this cat." 😂😂😂 I mean, just look at him! 😍