I'm having a ramble. Don't mind me.

I'm having a ramble.  Don't mind me.

I had my appointment to check my hormones today.  The doctor is switching things up for me, so hopefully I'll feel more like myself soon.

This morning I was rushed between 2 appointments, and I am so embarrassed that I said this, but I did:  "I love you move out the way." as I was trying to leave the house.  I brushed past Shaun with that shit coming out in one breath and IMMEDIATELY felt awful.  He's such a good person and didn't deserve that and I feel so unlike myself lately that I can barely function.  I did apologize immediately, and he is not taking this personally (THANK GOODNESS), but DAMN.

I don't know how well I'm even hiding it outside of the house.  Last week, two guys were talking through a presentation I was trying to hear and after I gave them a couple of looks, I finally just turned around,  threw my arms open and said, "Seriously, guys.  There's a presentation right now."  I didn't say "Sorry", or "Excuse me", or anything to soften it.  (They did apologize and stop talking, and the presenter carried on.)  But anyone who knows me knows that was pretty out of character for me.  Normally, the most I'd have done is "Shhh!" without even looking at them and hope for the best.

There is also this that has been happening for a while:  I've lost about half of the thickness of my hair since August.  I'm not usually very bothered by cosmetic shit; I guess growing up as a teen with psoriasis on your face will break you from being too obsessed with looks.  I don't even think it looks super noticeable, but my freaking head is cold!  And I'm seriously so sick of finding hair in my butt crack.

I thought it might be from the weight loss / Semaglutide, but the doctor said that if my thyroid is low, that could be a cause, as well.  I'm having a lot of other symptoms of low thyroid again, so he's upping my meds, and my testosterone, as well.  I'm going off Estrogen and Progesterone for a month so we can do bloodwork and see what my cycle is up to, as well.  He wants to hear from me about how I'm feeling in a week or so, and I'm grateful for that.

I've lost 20 pounds since I started Semaglutide earlier this year.  I look and feel a lot better, but my body has changed in unexpected ways.  I really thought my boobs would deflate; I remember in high school wearing a Playtex "Nearly A" cup bra, which is a thing that existed.  I thought I'd return to flat; however, I have retained the boobage and I'm overflowing my 34DD bra.

At the same time, I still have a booty, but my jeggings were practically falling off me.  So while we don't have extra money and my unemployment has ended even though I don't have a job, I had to invest in some jeans.  It was getting ridiculous and I looked terrible.  I have found one pair of jeans that fit so far.  I have some Gap Curvy's on the way, so hopefully they'll fit, too.  I'm not trying to spend too much in case I lose a few more pounds, but I desperately needed something that fit, especially with me leaving the house for the Web Dev bootcamp.  It's one thing to work from home, but to be perceived knowing you look like crap... eh.  I didn't care for it.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now.  Class is keeping me busy and exhausted.  I'll talk more about that later.  For now, I'm gonna go eat and rest up.  ❤❤❤

It's been a big day!

It's been a big day!

I have my website published. Though it's not ready to be revealed publicly, it will be soon. I'm super excited and can't wait to show everyone. 😁

Another big win for the day is that the app we're building as our capstone project was submitted to a contest and we're one of the finalists! Gotta give a big shout out to Denise for doing all the work on the submission. She really went hard and hopefully it will pay off!

Also, SUPER CONGRATULATIONS 🎊 to Denise and Srilatha for winning the Hackathon over the weekend. I was supposed to be there and I hate that I wasn't able to show up, but they ended up on the winning team and I'm so proud of them! ❤️❤️❤️

Tl;dr: Yesterday I ceased to exist.

Tl;dr:  Yesterday I ceased to exist.  I'm sorry if I did not show up for you.  It's not that I didn't want to; it was literally not possible.

Overall, I had a pretty good week, but I told myself before it was over that I was skipping a Hackathon this weekend because I was exhausted and needed to rest.  Then we had a Professional Development speaker on Friday who inspired me, and I decided that I was going to show up to the Hackathon.

That ended up being a lie.

I woke up on Saturday morning and I just could not manifest myself into personhood.  I never made it out of bed.  I had a bad headache, and the only thing I ate or drank for the whole day was Ibuprofen and the sip of water it took to get it down.  I did not eat or drink the rest of the day.  I only moved if my body started to ache from being in one position for too long.  Shaun came to check on me, and I barely responded to him.  I didn't even pick up my phone for any of that time.  I spent 30-ish hours in that condition.

By last night, he was in panic mode.  He was scared to leave me alone.  He asked if he needed to call 911.

The thing is, I wasn't going to hurt myself.  I wasn't going to move if I didn't have to.  And I didn't feel depressed or sad or bad.  I spent the time in and out of consciousness, sometimes asleep, sometimes awake, sometimes somewhere in between.  Sometimes my brain was taking me to past places, sometimes I felt it was working on a problem, sometimes it was just dreaming.  I felt numb, and sometimes lost in time or space.  I was sometimes vaguely aware of the animals or kids or Shaun, sometimes not.  It did not feel like a bad or scary experience.  It kind of felt necessary.

I woke up/got up today like it was a regular day.  I ate my usual breakfast and took my meds.  I don't feel like I am 100% here; I feel more like I am in ghost mode.  I can affect some things, but my brain is also still lingering in the halfway place.

I feel like this was an extended and deeper version of "I don't want to be a person yet."  Some of those days feel like a choice.  This was not.

So I don't know what happened, and from my Googling the closest thing I can find is Depersonalization/Derealization.  I do have depression and anxiety and am medicated for both.  It was a busy week and I did have fun, but I think that agreeing to do the Hackathon was too much.  There were also some other stressors, too.  More stressy stressors, actually.  So my theory is that I wasn't able to exist as a person on Saturday, perhaps because I needed to rest or because my brain was trying to protect me or because of hormonal fluctuations due to peri or a combination of it all.  It's all kind of messy right now and I'm working on figuring things out, but it's not easy.

My plan for the rest of this day is to do some homework, and otherwise a bunch of self-care and rest.  I seem to function MOSTLY fine during the week, but by the weekends lately I'm a mess.

I have an appointment on Thursday to see if my hormones need adjusting.  I will bring up whatever this episode was with my doctor, as well.  If they can't help me figure it out, it might be time to be referred to a psychiatrist.  I really didn't mind how I felt yesterday, but apparently I scared Shaun and the kids, and I also didn't take my usual antianxiety and antidepressant because I didn't eat or move, so that's not good.  I am usually very consistent with my meds, but it was not my choice and not possible yesterday.

I hope you all are doing well.  I'm going through some weirdness, but I've been through worse.  I'll be ok.  ❤

Harley's goof ass.

Harley's goof ass. He's purring so loud right now. 😂❤️

My day got better.

My day got better.

I walked with a friend to a café and we talked about me possibly getting to help build a website. It was a super nerdy and fun chat.

When I headed home from the city, the radio was playing all the good songs (Pony by Ginuwine, Creep by TLC, Dear Mama by 2pac) and it was nice.

I almost made it home without using Maps.

I felt alive and connected this afternoon/evening.

Now I'm crashing out and going to bed. I'm so tired. But today was worth getting up for. I gotta remember that.

❤️

My mood has eased up some. Thank goodness.

My mood has eased up some. Thank goodness.

But I do think it's time to check my hormone levels and up the doses because I have not been feeling like myself lately.

TMI post. I really don't care. You've been warned.

TMI post. I really don't care. You've been warned.

I'm struggling this morning. I think it's getting close to my period (I hope this is the TEMPORARY reason for my extra-foul mood), but this peri hormone rollercoaster has gmfu even worse. I am not fit to be around anyone today. I've been rude to my animals, I've told Shaun "Please don't make me tell you again that I don't want to talk to you." and I have to leave my house and deal with people.

I'm gonna be masking so hard all day. Wish me and my non-existent patience luck, because we're gonna need it.