Shaun "rescued" a lizard from the pool.

Shaun "rescued" a lizard from the pool. If you ask me, they look a little salty about the "rescue." 😂😂😂

I went to check on the greenhouse...

I went to check on the greenhouse and found a mouse up in the plants. So that's at least one of the creatures eating them. I knew the bite marks looked rodent-y.

Some things that are troubling me:

Some things that are troubling me:

About 2 weeks ago, my Reddit account logged out.  I have not been able to log back in.  I submitted a ticket for help, but I still haven't received any help.  Also, now if I look up my account, it shows that it's banned.  For what, I have NO idea.

This has been very dysregulating.  I read myself to sleep every night on Reddit, so I was used to my feed being a certain way.  It was comforting.  I had saved a lot of posts with useful information.  I had a 700-something day streak.  I loved it.

I basically had to start over and try to re-create my feed.  It's still not like it was.  It still feels very "off" - like it's a bizarro universe and it makes me really sad.  I am still hopeful that I will get some help with my original account, but the hope is fading.  I don't know what to do.

I also haven't been spending too much time in the greenhouse, but the last two times I went out there, many of my plants had been chewed or completely eaten.  I don't know who is doing it, but Shaun put the camera back out there to see if we could catch whoever it is.  We don't know if it's birds or rodents or what, so we don't know how to stop it.  We do close the doors at night, but leave the top windows open for ventilation.  We might have to put up some screens, I guess.  I don't know.  But it's got me really sad.  Whole plants are missing.  Like they've either been devoured on the spot or uprooted and taken. 😭😭😭

Last thing (for now):  I'm too soft and Adrian ended up back in my room. Shaun's going to move her out and acclimate her to the living room/other cats while I'm away. I hope it's successful. I need a space to myself. If it doesn't work while I'm gone, then it can't be done. Shaun is great with cats and less of a pushover than I am right now.

I overextended myself yesterday.

I overextended myself yesterday.  I ended up exhausted and went to bed so early, then woke up in the middle of the night (peri peeps, y'all know the 3/4 am wakeup call.  It's a hormonal thing that turns us into werecougars.)  I usually just read myself back to sleep, but I was literally having dark thoughts and spiraling.

I feel only slightly better today.  I talked to Shaun and told him I need him out of the house sometimes.  I just need literal solitude.  My background processes don't stop listening for him or thinking about him when he's here.  I don't quite know the logistics of how he's different than the animals or the child I raised, but he is.  Shadow and the pets can be background.  Kira sleeps most of the day and tends to stay upstairs, but can definitely be a demand sometimes.  She's a gray area because I still view her as a kid even though I didn't fully raise her.  But Shaun is like a best friend that never leaves my house.  Just isolating in my bedroom is not helping me recover.  Don't get me wrong; sometimes I definitely need that, but it alone is not enough.

Thankfully, he has been looking for work outside of our home, and he's had a few good leads.  Maybe something will come through soon.  Also, he didn't take offense when I told him that I never get to miss him.  He understands.

We also had a talk about showing affection.  I have never been a hugger.  I'm actually not big on being touched.  Growing up, I didn't receive affection that way and most of the touch I received was violent in nature.  So I generally don't enjoy having hands coming towards me at all.  But when we started dating, I hugged Shaun.  I wanted to touch him and that was what people did, so I did it, too.  And I did enjoy it.  It's easy when things are new.

But now that's not the case and it's no one's fault.  His shirt is always covered in cat hair because that is our life right now, so when I hug him my face goes right into that.  It's a sensory nightmare.  I also don't like my face being smushed, but due to our height difference, my face goes right under/between his pecs.  Sometimes if I actually want to hug him, I just go under his shirt and that's better.  His chest hair doesn't stick to my face like cat hair.  So for years, I've just been doing this thing that I don't get anything out of because he seemed to need it and I thought it was what I was supposed to do.

I'm not gonna do it anymore.  Not like that, anyway.

If he's sitting and I'm standing, I greatly prefer those hugs.  His face is on my chest, and my face isn't getting smushed or haired.  I can enjoy those.  We haven't figured out how he can physically show me affection in a way that I will like yet; I don't like to be massaged or petted or anything like that.  I like it when we touch legs while hanging out.  That feels like not an attack.  Head bonks are cool.  I also like sitting next to each other, like a cuddle - like what cats and dogs do with us.  I don't know, but I don't feel like that's as big a deal right now as me letting go of the daily "demand" (of course he doesn't actually demand them; it's just a thing that I felt like I was supposed to do) of hugs that I don't like.

I feel like the worst partner.  I don't know why he likes me.  Even when I was (unknowingly) fully masking at the beginning of our relationship, I know I wasn't an easy person.  My mental health has only gotten worse/more complicated over the years, and he's still here, still putting in the work, still not taking any offense to anything I need to say - no matter how insensitive it may seem.  I feel very lucky, but also very confused.  Like, I don't get why anyone would choose the mess that I am, but whatever floats his goat, I guess.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days. (More on that later.)

It was fun and hotel sleeping without a cat on my head was glorious (yes, moving Adrian downstairs FAILED).

But we got home yesterday and I immediately had to go to bed because I'd had zero alone time for 3 days.

Later this week I'm driving 13 hours through the desert and I am looking forward to those 13 hours like you wouldn't believe. Nobody can see me. Nobody can ask me for anything. Nobody can even talk to me if I don't want it.

Sometimes I worry that living with my husband was the wrong move. We do have separate spaces to retreat to, but either I'm so deep in burnout that being perceived is a stressor, or we just should've kept separate houses like we did for the first 10 years. I'm giving it until the dogs die (hopefully no time soon) before making any decisions or changes to our living situation, but...

Damn, it's hard.

Shaun is so great and I love him all the way. He is not doing anything wrong. It's just me. I'm built different and I feel like a terrible person and terrible partner because of it.

I'm still not feeling super social, but...

I'm still not feeling super social, but I'm starting to feel agitation from unread/unreplied-to notifications.  So if I respond to something you messaged or commented to me weeks ago, I apologize, but it is what it is.

On another note:

I love you.  Hang in there.  💙

Edited to add:  I got the comments knocked out.  Don't have the energy for whole messages yet.  But maybe this is a sign of return to personhood.  We will see.

Me...

Me, as young as I can remember, communicating with, understanding, and befriending animals.  They always say what they mean.

Me, in kindergarten, writing to the middle of the page with my left hand, and then switching to my right to finish out the page because I wanted things to be fair.

Me, in grade school, wondering if I would ever have friends whose parents weren't friends with my parents first.

Me, at 15 on my first trip to Six Flags, wondering why I hated having fun.

Me, in my teens, watching people succumb to peer pressure while remaining impervious to it.

Me, in my early 20s, deciding that I was done participating in the cycle of removing my body hair.  If men didn't have to, then I didn't, either.

Me, in my early 20s, figuring out that shaving my head made it easier to medicate/control my psoriasis, and that having skin flakes in long hair was a sensory nightmare I no longer had to endure.

Me, in my early 20s, finally out on my own, starting to struggle with schedules and routines and wondering how everyone else did it.

Me, in my late 20s, watching my 6th grade child set an alarm, shower, and catch the bus by himself because I wasn't a reliable, on-time, ride to school.

Me, in my 30s, looking back at the cycle of go hard/burn out, feeling like a broken person because "Why am I like this?"

Me, in my 30s, feeling the weight of everything crash down.  Full-blown depression, nothing in life accomplished, and barely able to walk due to psoriatic arthritis.  Heavily dependent on antidepressants, and Shaun body-doubling my life to drag me out of that hell.

Me, in my 40s, burned out.  Exhausted.  Confused.  Autistic.