I haven't been doing ok.

I haven't been doing ok.

Dealing with burnout and discovering that it's related to Autism (that I didn't know I had) has been a whole journey.  I only found out in early March and it explains a lot of things, but I'm still trying to understand how to make existence easier.  In this case, I don't feel like knowing has been half of the battle.

I've been keeping to myself more and resting.  I've been going to my room when I need actual quiet and regulation.  Shaun has been handling things like grocery shopping for a while, but now I know why I hate it and I will probably tag along even less because it's a stress I can avoid.

I have long said that Shaun knows me better than anyone, and I guess what I was trying to say before but didn't have the context to put into words is that I mask less around him than I ever have with anyone else, aside from maybe Shadow (my son).  It's something I've done since childhood and it happens so automatically with most people that I don't even know how to stop.

But I guess progress is knowing when I'm not ok and when I'll definitely be slipping the mask on, and trying not to put myself in situations where I have to use that energy when my battery is already low.  Lately, that means opting out of things I'd normally like to do, like seeing friends, going to the Cactus & Succulent society sales and events, going to the tech socials, even chatting to friends, etc.  I'm just running on fumes and I'm not sure how to refill the tank.  All of the sleep in the world doesn't seem to be helping.

Losing Scar and Ash last week has been terrible for my mental health.  I have felt so raw and weepy.  It's taken a week to adjust to sleeping without Scar on my face, and to stop listening for him all night.  Adrian (the other old kitty in my bedroom) is a great snuggler.  She's enjoying being the main character now, but I need to trim her nails.  She is very jumpy and launches herself away at the slightest noise or movement, and she is scratching me in tender places (like the backs or insides of my upper arms), and I just really don't need the physical pain right now.

I haven't showered in about a week and I don't know when I will.  I haven't yet deep-cleaned my bedroom or changed sheets from the ones that Scar last slept on.  I've been living on toast and waffles because the most "cooking" I can get myself to do is use the toaster.

I'm medicated for depression, but I feel like I'm having a bit of breakthrough depression... but like, I think it's normal to be not ok right now.  And I'm not.  🤷🏻

Greenhouse update:

Greenhouse update:

The baby birds left the greenhouse last night. They've officially flown away today. The parents were still watchful earlier. I don't know if any of them will be back.

Also, there have been some pretty flowers the last few days.

Watching the younglings.

Out of the greenhouse.

We lost Ashanti this morning.

We lost Ashanti this morning.

I was upstairs asleep and Shaun called and said he needed me. I ran down and we called some emergency vets. She passed away in the car before we made it.

We didn't know what else to do, so we proceeded to the vet to make her final arrangements.

It was awful and agonizing and traumatizing. I will spare you the details, but we will be haunted by this for a while. I still feel like I could vomit.

She was fine last night. She came to eat treats around midnight when I was going to bed. She didn't come for Shaun's breakfast routine and he found her in the cat tower struggling to breathe. Putting her in the carrier made it much worse. I don't think there was any possible outcome where she would have survived.

This is the reality sometimes of having elderly pets. We tried our best, but it was awful and she's still gone. She was 13.

I'm gonna miss her. She was so vocal and always "nagged" Shaun and Shadow. She wasn't much of a lap cat, but she loved to sit on the top of the center console of the couch. She always faced Shaun so she could groom his head, which meant that I got the butt end and the sassy tail slaps in the face. 😂 This was her 2nd favorite place - right next to Shaun on the arm of the chair. She often napped like this.

Two cats in a week. Our hearts are heavy.

I can't believe this cactus is blooming AGAIN already.

I can't believe this cactus is blooming AGAIN already. She's wild!

The babies aren't going back into the nest; they're staying on my table and chair during the day. It was humid today and the greenhouse was stinky because of their poops. We are supposed to have a stormy weekend, but if we don't, I'm gonna do some cleaning.

I'm also going to finally repot the cactus they were nesting in. I might just remove the cactus and put the pot and nest back since the adults have more than 1 clutch per season. I don't want to wreck their plans, but I do need to tend to that plant. It's one of my 300 favorites. 😂😂😂

They're big birds now, up in the rafters!

They're big birds now, up in the rafters!

The babies have left the nest.

The babies have left the nest. They are now on my table in the greenhouse, poopin' it up.  Is this their messy teenager phase? 😂

They spent the whole night on my stand fan in the greenhouse. It hasn't been turned on yet. They got down onto the table once daylight came.

I think their parents are trying to lure them to the window opening above the door. I think it won't be much longer before they leave for good, or at least for most of the day.

I had a bunch of flowers today. Lots of pink and a few yellow. It's very nice. 😊

Last night was a bit rough.

Last night was a bit rough.

Scar had diarrhea just about every hour last night, so I was up cleaning after him every hour.  At one point, (TMI), I did, too.  I'd eaten something spicy earlier and I guess it needed a speedy exit.  But at least we had diarrhea together.  He would go and then I'd be like "Me, too, buddy.  At least yours isn't spicy."  😆

Everyone loved on him today.  He ate so many treats.  He sat in my lap like the most important cat (alone, without having to fight for his seat).  I've probably mentioned this before, but I'm gonna tell it again:  He was so possessive of me that  if another cat sat in my lap, he would ALWAYS get closer to my body and squeeze in between us until he'd wedged the other cat further away, or they would just get aggravated with his attempt to squeeze in and leave.  😆  He was such a character.

Today, Shadow went with us to see Scar off.  It is the first euthanasia he's ever attended.  I don't know why he chose this one.  He loved Scar, but he also loved all of the previous pets we've lost, too.  Maybe he's just matured to where it didn't seem scary anymore.  He took it well and said it was the best death he's been aware of.  We've spent the last 20 years surrounded by animals, so he's seen the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I'm glad that it wasn't traumatizing for him.  He petted Scar and rubbed my shoulder and has his own tears, too.  Then we picked up some lunch and ate together at home.

Speaking of Shadow, last night I was super hungry after I laid down so I got up and came back downstairs to find something to eat.  Shadow heard me come down and followed to see if everything was ok.

I feel like I'm more of a scavenger than anything, so I was about to heat up a baked sweet potato that Shaun had baked for me a few days prior.  Shadow was like "Are you really trying to eat that potato that has been sitting there for two days?"  And I was like, "Yeah.  It's not even open.  It should be fine."  And he was like "Please don't.  I don't need you sick tomorrow."  And I was like "True."  So I tossed it and microwaved a new one; which he was sure to tell me to poke holes in so that it doesn't explode.

Shadow and Kira are all about food safety, and me and Shaun are much less so.  But I got parented by my own son about it last night.  He was like "Get your shit together, Mom!"  (Jokingly, of course.)  It was pretty funny.  These kids are the best.  ❤