I know I have messages and comments to respond to, but...

I know I have messages and comments to respond to, but I've chosen to hermit for a bit in order to lower the demands on myself. Yes, even things that I enjoy (such as engaging with y'all) are demands upon my time.

In another effort to get better rest, we're trying little Adrian out downstairs. She's lived in our bedroom since we moved here (~ 5 years ago); she's a petite little thing and was getting picked on by the other cats before we moved. All of the remaining cats are older and mellow-er now, so I'm hoping she'll do ok.

She's a sweet little love bug. That's great, EXCEPT when she's excited to see me after she's slept all day and it's my bedtime. She chirps and meows and trills all night; she body slams and rolls all over me; and she kneads my neck with her sharp little claws. She's also pretty jumpy, so if she hears or sees anything, she launches off me suddenly and leaves scratches. I could definitely be resting better if she wasn't in the room.

She's not attached to me in particular; she loves everyone, so I don't feel like she will miss sleeping on me. If anything, she'll get more attention by being out and about.

She knows Cub since he sleeps in our room sometimes. She met Bear earlier and didn't care about him at all. It's the other cats that she's unsure of. She's hissy with them, even if they're just minding their own business. 😂

I would love to see her during the day more. She's a funny little girl. She's had a bunch of teeth removed and has the cutest little (unintentional) snarl/cringe face most of the time. 😂😂😂 I love her, but now that Scar is gone she's got some "main character" energy that is just not conducive to my sleep.

Anyway, this is her rolling and chatting on the cat tower earlier.

(Also, I didn't realize it was so messy. I'm not tall enough to see up there on those platforms; this was recorded by Shaun's tall-ass point of view. 😂)

UI/UX graduation was today.

UI/UX graduation was today. Our presentation went well.

If anyone is interested, here is the app prototype we made. You can click through; even the sign up has dummy info ready to go.

It's crazy how my teacher is neurodivergent and I got my Autism diagnosis during this project; I strongly feel that both things contributed majorly to making this into something special. My teacher had to reframe things for me so many times so I could grasp what I was supposed to be doing. Both she and my partner were so flexible with me.

Now I'm gonna go have a let-down migraine, because of course I am. 🫠 

But let me know what y'all think!

Link to Figma

Some recent flowers.

Some recent flowers.

It was a really nice experience having the doves hatch in the greenhouse, but I'm glad to have it back to myself.

I have a lot of bird poops to clean up.

I'm definitely not ok.

I'm definitely not ok.

I've been reading about how to come back from Autistic Burnout, and aside from sleeping/resting and not "shoulding" myself, I discovered that I haven't been doing enough.  It is no wonder that my recovery isn't going well.

I haven't reduced demands upon my time much.  I haven't stopped masking as much as I could.  I'm about to address both of those things right now.

Saturday is my last UI/UX class.  In retrospect, I should have quit the class when I found out that I was in burnout; I did try, but the teacher was too nice and flexible and while it did get more interesting, it has definitely been too large of a drain on my energy.  I will not be taking anymore classes for the foreseeable future.  I also plan to take at least a month's hiatus from any in-person hangouts.  It is time to focus on myself and start deep healing.

Regarding masking:

I feel like I'm more myself on the Internet than I am in person (save for a very few people that I am close to); however, I still fawn for y'all.  I tend to not post anything controversial.  I did write the AI post recently, but in general I tend to steer clear of writing anything that will make people uncomfortable or unhappy with me.

I'm going to introduce myself to y'all now.  If you don't like me, that's ok.  Handle it however you deem necessary; but just know that I will not argue with you about who I am.  Accept me or don't; those are your options.

My name is Blu.  I have Autism.  I loathe small talk.  I am an Agnostic Atheist.  I believe in Science.  I am a Feminist.  Your body, your choice - regarding pregnancy, drugs, alcohol, sex, anything - as long as you are not causing harm to anyone else.  Black Lives Matter.  No one is illegal on stolen land built by stolen hands.  Trans men are men and trans women are women.  Love is Love.  Access to food, water, shelter, and medical care are basic human rights.  There are no ethical billionaires.

I believe in direct communication.  I will no longer put in the work to read between your lines.  If you are unable to articulate a thought or direction clearly, that is a you problem, not a me problem.  Do better.  The exception to this is a work/school environment; I will always try to make sure that I understand the assignment before completing it.

Regarding communication, it is not rude to be direct and clear.  It saves confusion and misunderstanding, and it is effective.  This is a neurotypical problem, not a neurodivergent problem.  This is a case in which NTs should adjust for NDs.  Work on your communication skills.  Communicate accessibly.  You are not a parking spot and have no obligation to be accessible, but it would be nice if you cared to try.

I don't say any of this to scare people away.  I don't want my timeline to become an echo chamber.  I know that I have many friends who will not agree with me on everything I've written.  That's fine.  Just know that I've loved and accepted you regardless of our differences.  If you can't do the same for me, then it's time we part ways.

If you feel the need to debate me about anything I've written in this post, be aware that I am not going to engage.  I will simply delete the friendship.  I am introducing my whole self in an attempt to heal.  I don't have the energy to defend myself for being who I am, and anyone who feels that I should spend the precious little energy I have left engaging them rather than doing self care is not anyone who has my best interests at heart.

Love me or leave me.

You better gangway.

You better hit bull's eye;

the kid don't play.

💙💙💙

I haven't been doing ok.

I haven't been doing ok.

Dealing with burnout and discovering that it's related to Autism (that I didn't know I had) has been a whole journey.  I only found out in early March and it explains a lot of things, but I'm still trying to understand how to make existence easier.  In this case, I don't feel like knowing has been half of the battle.

I've been keeping to myself more and resting.  I've been going to my room when I need actual quiet and regulation.  Shaun has been handling things like grocery shopping for a while, but now I know why I hate it and I will probably tag along even less because it's a stress I can avoid.

I have long said that Shaun knows me better than anyone, and I guess what I was trying to say before but didn't have the context to put into words is that I mask less around him than I ever have with anyone else, aside from maybe Shadow (my son).  It's something I've done since childhood and it happens so automatically with most people that I don't even know how to stop.

But I guess progress is knowing when I'm not ok and when I'll definitely be slipping the mask on, and trying not to put myself in situations where I have to use that energy when my battery is already low.  Lately, that means opting out of things I'd normally like to do, like seeing friends, going to the Cactus & Succulent society sales and events, going to the tech socials, even chatting to friends, etc.  I'm just running on fumes and I'm not sure how to refill the tank.  All of the sleep in the world doesn't seem to be helping.

Losing Scar and Ash last week has been terrible for my mental health.  I have felt so raw and weepy.  It's taken a week to adjust to sleeping without Scar on my face, and to stop listening for him all night.  Adrian (the other old kitty in my bedroom) is a great snuggler.  She's enjoying being the main character now, but I need to trim her nails.  She is very jumpy and launches herself away at the slightest noise or movement, and she is scratching me in tender places (like the backs or insides of my upper arms), and I just really don't need the physical pain right now.

I haven't showered in about a week and I don't know when I will.  I haven't yet deep-cleaned my bedroom or changed sheets from the ones that Scar last slept on.  I've been living on toast and waffles because the most "cooking" I can get myself to do is use the toaster.

I'm medicated for depression, but I feel like I'm having a bit of breakthrough depression... but like, I think it's normal to be not ok right now.  And I'm not.  🤷🏻

Greenhouse update:

Greenhouse update:

The baby birds left the greenhouse last night. They've officially flown away today. The parents were still watchful earlier. I don't know if any of them will be back.

Also, there have been some pretty flowers the last few days.

Watching the younglings.

Out of the greenhouse.

We lost Ashanti this morning.

We lost Ashanti this morning.

I was upstairs asleep and Shaun called and said he needed me. I ran down and we called some emergency vets. She passed away in the car before we made it.

We didn't know what else to do, so we proceeded to the vet to make her final arrangements.

It was awful and agonizing and traumatizing. I will spare you the details, but we will be haunted by this for a while. I still feel like I could vomit.

She was fine last night. She came to eat treats around midnight when I was going to bed. She didn't come for Shaun's breakfast routine and he found her in the cat tower struggling to breathe. Putting her in the carrier made it much worse. I don't think there was any possible outcome where she would have survived.

This is the reality sometimes of having elderly pets. We tried our best, but it was awful and she's still gone. She was 13.

I'm gonna miss her. She was so vocal and always "nagged" Shaun and Shadow. She wasn't much of a lap cat, but she loved to sit on the top of the center console of the couch. She always faced Shaun so she could groom his head, which meant that I got the butt end and the sassy tail slaps in the face. 😂 This was her 2nd favorite place - right next to Shaun on the arm of the chair. She often napped like this.

Two cats in a week. Our hearts are heavy.