I've had a bad couple of days.

I've had a bad couple of days. I've had a nonstop tension headache/migraine. I think it's due to anxiety.

But having slept for almost 2 days straight, I woke up at 7 naturally today. I feel ok-ish. I'm gonna shower and see what the day holds.

Before I do that... I want to talk about sleep.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a sleepy person. I *usually* didn't have trouble with being drowsy in elementary school and high school, but sometimes I was. I just fought it with everything I had because I didn't want to get in trouble for sleeping in class.

After that, I worked in retail for a bit, so I was up and moving. Same for the warehouse after that (except for the time I was being carbon-monoxide poisoned every day by my car on my way to work - I would nap during my breaks). But I was dating someone at that time and I would often fall asleep while visiting his family. Same with Shaun's family all these years, too. Let me sit somewhere comfortable and not be engaged enough, and I'm OUT. I fall asleep in waiting rooms. I've fallen asleep at work. Even at home after a good night's sleep, if I'm not engaged enough, I'm asleep. I'm not saying "This happened this one time." I'm saying that this is frequent and reoccurring.

We watched a movie the other day... This girl had been captured and was chained to a mattress. I said "I'd go to sleep." I wasn't even kidding. Like, if you ever wanna kidnap me, just give me a bed and I probably won't even resist. 😂 Not really, but it's ALMOST that ridiculous.

I'm glad I have a psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday, because I'd really like to know if this could be part of Inattentive ADHD, or if I have a sleep disorder.

The more I think back on things, the more I realize that my life experience doesn't seem typical. It definitely hasn't been easy. And I'm just ready to get myself figured out.

I'm not having a great day.

I'm not having a great day. I didn't leave my room until after 6:30 pm. I was sleeping on and off. Having nightmares and then waking up with no energy to move.

I've been having trouble sleeping for a couple of weeks and it's because I couldn't get comfortable. It took me until last night to figure out what was making me so uncomfortable. It is my hips and knees hurting. It feels like I may be having a Psoriatic Arthritis flare. Yay for poor interception.

I'm on Skyrizi for my skin (Psoriasis) and my next dose is in about 10 days. I read that there can be some inflammation occurring towards the time of my next dose. I don't know if I need to see a rheumatologist or what, but I might need a higher dose to keep everything in check. I guess I'll inquire about that this coming week. Up until the last week or 10 days, I've been feeling pretty good, physically (or at least I thought I was). 😅

My mental health is another story. I feel so run down. I'm ready for my psych appointment on Wednesday.

Until then, I'm going to try to take it easy on myself. I have a ton I want to do, but thankfully most of it isn't pressing.

'Beans on 'beans on 'beans. 😂

'Beans on 'beans on 'beans. 😂

I have an appointment next week...

I have an appointment next week to be evaluated for Inattentive ADHD.  I've been a daydreamer since I was a child.  I've always had trouble doing things that I don't care a ton about doing.  On the flip side, I have trouble with NOT doing things that I really care about.

I rely on adrenaline for doing a lot of tasks.  For example, I wait until the last minute and then get stressed enough to overrule the executive dysfunction that keeps me from starting a task sooner.  That's not a healthy way to live.

I was working on getting ready for one of my certification tests yesterday, and I can't tell you how many times I had to go back and re-read the same sentence because my brain was suddenly playing songs like a radio, or I was remembering a dream, or I was thinking about something else while I was actively TRYING to focus on something.  It's even happening now as I write this post and this is something I want to do.

Most of the time, unless it is one of my hyper-focus things that I love, I can't even watch a show or movie without scrolling on my phone or else I will get bored and fall asleep.

I also have a lot of other trouble with sleeping.  I do the bedtime revenge procrastination thing.  I don't even want to, but it happens.  I do feel that I am naturally more of an afternoon/evening person than a morning person, but the extent to which I struggle makes me wonder if I have an underlying sleep disorder.  I think that by taking care of issues one at a time, we'll narrow it down.  I hope.

If it's possible to get medication for this, I am going to try it.  I 100% believe that my inability to function on any kind of moderate level is part of why I burn out so easily.  I have an internship coming up that I really care about, and I would really like to be my best self for it.  It comes with a lot of opportunity and I don't need to blow it by not being able to focus or learn or grow.  In a job like tech where you have to think and problem-solve, being unable to focus your brain on something that isn't your deep interest is not ideal.

Anyway, I'll let y'all know how it goes.  I really hope I can get some help.  I would love for life to feel less hard.

I just saw the video that everyone is talking about.

TRIGGER WARNING:  Self Harm
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I just saw the video that everyone is talking about. I must be dead inside, because I am unbothered.

Cuts don't bother me. Not on myself or anyone else.

If he was getting a mammogram, then I might have been horrified for the rest of the night. That pulling sensation definitely feels worse to me than cuts.

I was actually talking about that on Monday with my therapist. They said that often people with Autism process pain differently.

Like, I definitely feel physical pain, but I don't often care that I do. If it's pain from an unknown reason, that's a bit scary. But if I'm injured and it hurts, it's supposed to, so I'm fine.

He's cutting himself, sometimes. Mostly, the clip I saw was him dragging a knife over his skin and moaning. He made very few new cuts, but seemed to enjoy it when he did.

I think the worst part is that he said he was committing self-death to the people who were watching his stream, and they seemed distraught by that, but were obviously unable to stop him in the moment.

I don't know. A lot of people seem really disturbed. I'm sorry if y'all were subjected to that without consent.

We call him Harley Longlegs...

We call him Harley Longlegs because he's so damn lanky. His arms are longer than my forearm!

I wonder where Harley is...

I wonder where Harley is...