Monday, September 7, 2026
I forgot to turn off my alarm for the holiday.
I forgot to turn off my alarm for the holiday.
Normally, I'd be super upset and immediately go back to sleep.
Today, I am not mad. I'm also not as groggy as I normally am when unexpectedly waking up.
Since I want to water some plants before it gets hot and need to work on shifting my schedule, I have very easily decided to stay awake and get the day started.
I do feel like I could sleep more, but it doesn't feel like I HAVE TO in order to function.
Suddenly, everyone's advice on how to shift a schedule, get things done, etc., makes sense. It's do-able for a lot of people.
I have felt broken all of my life for failing at many "easy" things. And I guess I was, but I didn't know in what way. It really wasn't until the last few years that I started to suspect I have ADHD. And even then, I was SUPER doubtful. But the change this medication has made has literally been life-changing.
Day 3 of generic Ritalin.
If any of my struggle posts resonate with you, please do yourself a favor and get an evaluation. It's never too late for life to get easier.
Sunday, September 6, 2026
Today has been pretty good.
Today has been pretty good.
I visited a friend this morning, and didn't even have to lay down about it after I got home. I did nap this afternoon, but that was unrelated. It was just rest.
We went to a thrift store, and I didn't buy anything. I am usually very impulsive in shopping situations, but I didn't even have to try hard not to be. I just kind of... wasn't.
When I was getting ready to leave to see my friend, I took some trash from my room to the dumpster. It had been in a bag, waiting for me to take it down, for over a week. If it had been effortless to do it before, I would have done it before. Today, it was. And I did.
This is crazy.
I've been a little headache-y this afternoon/evening, but our AC downstairs isn't working and Shaun seems to have the flu, (which I am desperately trying not to catch), so besides the stress of those things and my meds wearing off from this morning, I think that is understandable. Also, I keep taking my glasses off because it feels like my eyes are changing again, so that could have something to do with it, as well.
I wanted to do my nails today and devote tomorrow to my plants, but I don't know if it's going to happen. It's already 8:30 and I don't know if I want to start nails this late when I should be keeping an eye on my schedule. It would be really better for me to be waking up at 6 rather than 8 since I have to leave the house for my internship...
Which, btw, went quite well. To me, it was a very good week. I really liked all of the people I met, and I am excited about the project I'm working on. There are possibly some open positions that will be available soon, so I am hoping that they decide to keep me.
Anyway, that's all I've got for now. Tl;dr: Ritalin is life-changing, AC busted, Shaun sick, internship good.
💙💙💙
Y'ALL.
Y'ALL.
I had my breakfast, as usual.
THEN, I took out the trash, took out the recycling, emptied the dishwasher and reloaded it, refilled the soap dispenser, and fed the tortoise (none of which were emergencies).
Poor Shaun usually handles the day stuff because my brain is always in panic mode trying to do the "novel" tasks (building apps, taking classes, etc.). If left to my own devices, those things would hit critical mass before I could tackle them.
But not today!
Shaun's not feeling well which is why these things weren't already done when I woke up. And even when he's not feeling well I usually struggle to support him.
But today, it was all but effortless.
I really feel like I'm on my way to being my best self.
Saturday, September 5, 2026
I started taking a generic of Ritalin this morning.
I started taking a generic of Ritalin this morning.
I did feel a bit tight in the chest and kind of warm (when I usually run cold) earlier in the day, but that has pretty much faded.
For the last week-10 days or so, on advice of my therapist, I have been playing puzzle games in books rather than on my phone. For one, I used to do that with my MaMaw a lot, so it feels nice to be doing that again. For two, it's been a way to keep my mind engaged without doom-scrolling and getting distracted on the internet.
I have some observations:
1) I am able to focus better and don't have to recount the numbers on Sudoku repeatedly to make sure I can tell what's missing.
2) I have made a few mistakes on the Sudoku puzzles, but instead of going to the back of the book to get it straightened out, I have been able to figure it out myself. That has never happened before in my life, and I've been doing these since childhood. Once I'm confused, I either need help or to start over. So I feel that I am more able to follow the threads in my mind, if that makes sense? Due to being able to hold things in my mind, I have already been solving the puzzles better and faster with fewer mistakes, and seeing other patterns and logic that I never saw before.
3) Using breathing to help with the physical anxiety... if that's what's the chest tightness is called? I used to hate when people would advise me to breathe in and out. It would literally piss me off! It's like, "Now I have to think about something that my body does involuntarily?!" And it never relaxed any part of me that needed relaxing. But for the chest tightness today, it does feel nice and it does help.
4) I needed to use the bathroom and went before it was an emergency BECAUSE I COULD FEEL IT BEFORE IT WAS AN EMERGENCY. On the way up the stairs, I took up some towels that needed to go up because I wasn't rushing because I wasn't having an emergency. I also ended a text conversation with Shaun because I wanted to, and did it before I was irritated and rude to him. I can feel things before they are critical.
5) In general, I feel a bit more calm. Like, if I don't act on my thoughts in the moment, it's ok, because I'll be able to recall them. They feel less fleeting, I guess?
6) I was able to watch an episode of TV with Shaun without scrolling or working on something else or falling asleep.
7) I think I relaxed? I reclined in the chair, shut my eyes, and I don't know if I fell asleep. But I was able to just... rest? Guilt free? Without anxiety?
It's been an emotional rollercoaster. I have felt relief. I have felt anger. I have felt sorrow. I have ugly-cried so many times today.
I love logic and puzzles and math and computer science, but to learn those things, I've relied heavily on pattern-recognition and repetition. But that doesn't cut it on more complex issues. I hated math proofs. I suck at coding. And now I'm wondering what would happen if I tried those things again? What could I learn? What could I do?
Getting through college was so incredibly hard. I suffered. Like, a lot. I cared so much, and I did my best, and I had mental breakdown after mental breakdown from 2015-2020. It meant SO MUCH for me to graduate and get a job and try to pull us out of poverty. It felt like life or death. The stakes were high. And now I look back and I'm like "That could have been a lot easier. And I could have gotten more out of it."
I'm not going to dwell on things. There is no one to even blame. Had my teachers or parents noticed that I was struggling (which was unlikely due to how hard I masked), girls/women weren't usually treated for ADHD when I was growing up. As a young adult, I never had insurance to get myself tested or medicated, nor did I even suspect that I was doing life on Hard Mode.
I don't really know what else to say. I'm going to allow myself to grieve. It's valid. It hurts. But I'm going to try to put my newfound focus into my career. I'm just going to keep pushing forward like I always do... because really, what else is there to be done?
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