I am pretty proud of myself today.

I am pretty proud of myself today.  I am 100% sure that I have moved my body the most I've moved it since I finished taking final exams.  I have mostly been a lump on the couch - just resting because I desperately needed it.  But today I had the house to myself (which is SO RARE), so instead of hanging with the fam I started organizing / going through all of the stuff we moved out of Shadow's room when we put a new floor in there right after Thanksgiving.  He and I had sorted a lot of things into "keep", "take to Shaun's", "give away", but there was a ton more to do.  All that is left now is one garbage-bag full of stuff for him to make decisions on.  What a relief!  I hate it when the house is messy and disorganized and it has been that way for months.  I knew it wasn't helping me at all with my mental-health situation, so I feel extremely accomplished and like my brain was de-cluttered in the process.  I also hauled about a car-load of stuff to the shelter thrift store, so that frees up some space.  Woohoo!

I know this is such a boring status, but for me this would have been a pretty big project to tackle on a good day, much less one when I feel like I'm still recovering from stress and depression.  While I was at it I washed the couch covers, swept and mopped, cleaned my litter boxes, loaded the dishwasher, and folded and put away some laundry.  My back is screaming, so now I'm back in my rightful place on the couch with the dogs.  I'm just waiting for my guy to bring me some pizza and this day will be complete.

I think it's a big upswing for me that I had motivation today and that I'm actually posting on here and hoping people will talk to me.  I have been so reclusive and lumpy for so long, and I'm hoping that has about come to an end.  I hope you all are doing well, or at least better than you were.  Baby steps.  ❤

I usually write something long and mushy...

I usually write something long and mushy, but not tonight. I'm just happy to be going through life, even (and especially) the tough bits with Shaun by my side. I honestly don't think I'd still be standing and moving forward without him.

Sorry that the photo is dark, but I don't think either of us have ever photographed our food before. 😂😂😂  Ruby Tuesday gave us free chocolate cake with ice cream to celebrate our 9 years and going strong. Happy "Us" Day, love!

How I'm finishing out 2017:

How I'm finishing out 2017:  Empty, and low on life force. Thank goodness for Shaun. Can't imagine life without my favorite person. ❤️

I guess I'm feeling pretty adventurous tonight...

I guess I'm feeling pretty adventurous tonight; Chocolate Dr. Pepper is on the menu at Sonic, so now I'm drinking that. LOL Tastes kind of like those cakes made with Coke.

I voted.

I voted.

In other news:  Final grades are in and I made my first C. It was in C++. If I hadn't completely bombed the final that wouldn't have happened because I had an 85 average prior to taking the last exam, but it is what it is. I was just tapped out. I'm less upset than I thought I would be, but it's no secret what a hard semester it's been for me and I am just grateful for the progress at this point. It helps that I made an A in both Discrete Computational Structures and Applied Probability and Statistics, so my GPA isn't affected too negatively. As far as I can tell I didn't even lose a whole point. So that's ok.

I also saw my new doctor this morning and I like him so far. He's referring me to a gyno like I expected. He told me to come back fasted and we could do blood work and work on getting me in to a rheumatologist, so that is nice. I'm afraid that Medicaid will only pay for Methotrexate (which I am not taking again), but I guess there is no harm in finding out what my options actually are.

For now, I'm off to rest. I feel really tired. I hope you all are doing well.

I'm still struggling, but enjoying some rest.

I'm still struggling, but enjoying some rest.  I've gone from utter despair / apathy to discontentment / anxiety.  I guess that's improvement.

I'm having some pretty serious pain in my pelvic area recently; I believe that I'm trying to give birth to my IUD.  Along those lines I also applied for and received full Medicaid, so at least I can see a doctor if I need to (which I am tomorrow because this pain is so sharp I get tears in my eyes).  I'm not excited about the possibility of losing the IUD I wanted for like, 10 years and finally got about 3 years ago.  I'm even less excited about trying to find another non-permanent, non-hormonal form of birth control.  I legit do not understand how it is almost 2018 and there are so few birth control options that are not barriers or hormones.

Other than that I've been spending a lot of time with Shaun, the kids, and the animals.  It's been really nice to connect and re-focus my attention.  When life gets hard, it's so much easier to mindlessly scroll through on social media as a distraction than to put energy and effort into interacting with whoever is around me.  I feel like that was one reason it is really beneficial for me to disconnect and pull back from here some because I'd just fallen into a rut of what felt like endless scrolling, looking for something to be interested in, which wasn't working because I was depressed and not a lot of things were interesting.  So being away is allowing me to focus what little energy I have into what is important, which is self-care and my family.

Oddly enough, my brain has felt really bored.  The last two days I've really been wanting some math to do.  LOL  I might go play around on Khan Academy to keep my math skills sharp with no consequences if I crap out.  I would think that since my major is Computer Science that I'd want to practice my programming, but honestly what I'm really missing is my Statistics class.  It was really interesting to me to see real-life applications of Calculus; how finding the areas under the curve of a graph with integration actually gave you answers to real-world problems.  I'm not waffling on my choice of major, but classes like that make me want to learn more math and how to use it.  I still think that going back for a masters in math one day is on the table.

Anyway.  I'm up super late because I didn't sleep last night due to pelvic pain, so I ended up sleeping most of the day, which I didn't mind because Kira was sick, then Shadow was sick, and now I'm coughing and all that, too.  Maybe being able to rest will help me shake it.  For now I'm off to shower and sleep some more.  I'm hoping the doctor that I see in the morning will be able to help me, but in all likelihood he will refer me to a gynocologist, so I don't know.  For now I am ok-ish, but sitting or moving the wrong way triggers waves of contraction-like cramps in my cervix area.  So as usual my life is rainbows and sunshine.  /sarcasm

I hope you all are doing well.  If you're not, I'm super sorry.  Things will get better, probably.  I don't know, but that is what I'm tending towards believing right now.  Life is a roller-coaster; there are ups and downs.  We just have to hold on until things swing in our favor, right?  ❤

On the couch with my two remaining dogs.

I'm back.

I'm back.  I probably wasn't even deactivated long enough for anyone to miss me except for one of my besties, but I needed the break.  I just felt like life was too much, and social media wasn't helping.  I get far too many notifications and truthfully my break from here was really peaceful.  I wanted to stay deactivated, but I couldn't get Shaun to join a nail polish group for me and my favorite brand is having a release tomorrow and I needed all the details.  So, here I am.

For my continued peace of mind I have made a few changes to my Facebook account.  First of all, I've muted quite a few Messenger conversations as well as deleted that app from my phone again.  I also deleted the Facebook app.  Additionally, no one can post on my timeline anymore.  If it was possible I'd turn off tagging and messaging, too, but I couldn't find a way.  To anyone who interacts with me:  I'm sorry about all of this, but there is just too much stuff incoming that I don't want or need.

I feel like I need to explain something real fast; I am bothered when notifications pile up, and when someone is talking to me I feel rude if I don't respond.  I know that this is social networking and the point is to be social, but I don't have it in me right now.  It's just creating more stress.  I'm taking my hermiting to the next level, it seems.  😕  It's really not intentional, but I am honest to goodness tapped out.  I know you all have the best intentions when you tag, message, or post something to me like nail art or cute animals, but those things are honest to goodness so far from anything I care about right now.  🙁

I know this comes off as so grumpy and rude, but I'm still struggling with my life and my mental health.  I don't feel much like myself, or who I thought I was.  I do feel less anxious now that the semester has ended, but that's about all I can say.  Of course, comments and conversations are always welcome (if you can forgive my delays with responding since I'm limiting my access here), but anything else is likely just an unwelcome distraction if I'm being perfectly honest.  🙁  I am so sorry to be this way, but setting limits here is the only way I can think of to keep myself from withdrawing completely.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well.  I'm not entirely, but at least I am a little rested after being out of school for a few days.  I guess that counts for something.  Sending my grumpy love vibes to you all.  😛❤

I made a 44 on my C++ final.

I made a 44 on my C++ final. I am shocked and disappointed, and I am going back to bed.

I exist right now. That's about it.

I exist right now.  That's about it.

Every day since Tuesday I have crawled back into my bed right after getting home from school.  Yesterday was the first day I didn't eat a grilled cheese and fries kid's meal from Sonic in my bed; I ate it on the couch instead.  All I did today was go to one class, and then out to eat with Shaun and his dad.  I came home and slept for a few more hours, yet I am exhausted beyond belief already.  I don't really want to admit what an accomplishment it is that I didn't get back in my bed before 7, but this is my reality right now.

I have no more Sandy Shuffle in my life, no more Scooter shaking his pom-pom tail for me; I have no more Emma bringing her food in the room so she can eat with us, and now no more Nappy running out into the fence to greet me every day, or whining in the morning because her food was never early enough, or her pushing her food dish around to scrape the "bad" off the top (a habit she got from the bad place she was before that she never grew out of; they just cracked a 50 lb bag of food open for all the dogs, and they had to eat it regardless of rain, ants, whatever...)

I just feel so empty.  Believe it or not, I'm not dwelling on all of this, but there are constant reminders everywhere that I've lost 4 of the most precious family members I've ever had.  I feel more down than I ever have, even though I'm taking double my usual dose of Celexa.  I have zero energy, and my self-care has gone to shit.  I might actually take a shower tonight, though, so I guess that is something.  I hate to post and be such a downer, but it's progress that I'm posting at all.  Woohoo.

In other news:  Today was my last class of the semester; I have final exams on Monday and Tuesday, then I'm out of school until January.  My grades are decent; I am pretty sure I have an A in Discrete Computational Structures.  I have a B in Stats, but if I can make at least a 68 on that final (which I think I can), I'll have an A in there, too.  I currently have a B in C++ which is ok, but I feel like I could have and should have done better.  But given everything that has happened this semester, oh well.  I feel accomplished just for hanging in there.

I'm looking forward to some down-time soon.  I'm hoping it will help me feel better.  I really need to be working while I'm out of school, but I'm not going to push myself.  It just feels like entirely the wrong thing to do.  I've been going hard since the beginning of 2015 and I honestly haven't had an easy year since.  My physical health was horrible in 2015 to the point where I had trouble walking; last year was full of loss and stress, and this year is turning out to be no easier.  I'm really not sure how much more I can take.  But I hope you all are doing well, and if you're not, please just try to hang in there.  That's what I'm doing because I don't know what else to do.  ❤

I feel like my life isn't even real right now.

I feel like my life isn't even real right now.  Like, honest to goodness, I don't even know anything anymore.  We lost another dog today.  It was my big old beautiful messy girl, Natasha (aka Nappy).

She was with us for 8 or 9 years; I remember the first time I met her.  My friend (Natasha's rescuer) had brought her in to PetSmart to get help shaving her down.  I was a dog bather there at the time, so I basically watched / helped hold her on the table.  She was so matted that you couldn't pull an ear away from her head, or find her eyes.  Bugs were crawling out of the ridiculous huge single matt that covered her body.  Despite her obvious discomfort, she was the most gentle giant.  I fell in love with her instantly, but it wasn't until a year or two later that she came to live with me.

She was always the sweetest girl, but she had tons of chronic health problems.  As my friend who rescued her put it, she was "a puppy mill genetic nightmare."  Honestly, I spent more money than I had over the years trying to keep her groomed, medicating chronic ear and eye infections, paying for arthritis meds so she wouldn't be in pain, and even having surgery for hip dysplasia.  She was a ton of work, but I loved her and did the best I could.

Her most recent battle with eye infection was looking really good just a few weeks ago.  Unfortunately, us cleaning and medicating her eyes at the maintenance dose stopped cutting it.  They looked horrible over the weekend; worse than I'd ever seen them.  Last night, she wouldn't eat a treat, which is a big red flag because that girl loved her food.  When Shaun tried to feed her this morning her mouth dripped blood into her bowl and she was wavering when she stood.  That was basically our last straw.  She felt too bad, and had felt so bad off and on throughout her life that we just didn't want to put her through this anymore.  She looked done, and so we let her be.

I worry that we should have done this a long time ago; hell, I'm still questioning if it was the right thing to have done it today.  But it is hard to watch someone you love suffer.  So, I'm not ok.  I'm upset.  I'm sad and I'm angry.  I wasn't ready for this, but it wasn't about me.  We've now lost 4 of 6 dogs in 2 years.  I always thought I'd not want to exist without my dogs and currently that is accurate.

If I disappear for a while I apologize, but I was still struggling to be ok before this.  I have finals coming up and I've gotta find the energy to care about that.  So I love you and I hope your lives are going ok.  Catch you when I can, I guess.  ❤

I want to apologize for this not being the personal "Thank you" I intended...

I want to apologize for this not being the personal "Thank you" I intended to hand out to each of you, and that you all deserve.  I'm still struggling in a lot of ways, but I know y'all know that which is why you helped me.  Your kindness during this low point is deeply appreciated.  My words are failing me right now; I wanted to say something that would make you know how grateful I am that I have friends who care about me so much.  I wish I could do better right now, but the elephant on my chest has cracked the cup I pour from and I'm feeling pretty empty at the moment.  I don't really know what else to say, except that if there is ever anything I can do to pay you back or help you in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  💗💗💗

Hello, friends.

Hello, friends. I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving and weekend. As for us, there is a lot to say.

I'm not big on holidays as it is, though Thanksgiving is one of my favorites (not because of what it celebrates [horrible things were done to the Natives, and I believe in being thankful every day], but I do like it because I don't cook yet I still get to eat a lot.) This year had a couple of extra layers of stress. Thanksgiving would have been Shaun's mom's birthday had she not passed away earlier this year, so it was rough on a few levels. Thankfully, we got through the day.

Friday was my birthday, and that is the day we started doing some house repairs because dad was free. You know you're officially an adult when replacing a floor is a wonderful gift. LOL It took 3 days; we just finished up today. The contents of Shadow's room are strewn about the house (and have been for days) so it's driving me crazy. We're about to go through it all and see what we can purge. Woo.

In other exciting news, we caught a good Black Friday sale on the web and got Kira a bed just like she wanted: black, full-size, and with drawers underneath. 😃 It will be delivered tomorrow. A few weeks ago one of our friends gave us a couple of dressers he no longer needed, so my mom and Kira spray-painted them her favorite color today. We've had her stuff in one of my closets and some of Shadow's drawers, so this will be much better. I'm super excited to get everything re-organized and put away.

In even OTHER exciting news:  Kira got braces on Tuesday. We loved her smile as it was, but she wasn't happy with it - and her opinion is the one that matters. We'd planned to do this before Emma's unexpected hospital bill, but we don't believe in breaking promises to the kids if we can avoid it at all. Thank goodness for Care Credit. We have a year with no interest, so that will help a lot.

Speaking of Emma's bill, I am so thankful to each of you who donated. I have some very generous friends and I will be thanking each of you personally ASAP. There has been so much going on lately with my mental health and with losing Emma and then all of this house stuff that I just haven't been able to keep up. I also need to thank all of you for the birthday wishes, as well as wish a couple of birthday twins a belated Happy Birthday, as well. I hope you all will forgive my behind-ness; maybe this super adorable picture of Kira will help. 😊😍❤️

It's been a rough day.

It's been a rough day. Shadow's bedroom floor has been sagging - we think because of that pipe bursting in the house last spring. His room got the worst of it since it's right next to the bathroom. We thought we got all of the water up, but clearly we did not.  Thankfully, my dad has some time to help me with repairing it this weekend.

He came over bright and early to lead the way since I know very little about carpentry. We ripped the floor up, down to the joists. It was worse than we thought. Shaun stepped through the floor, dad cracked it with his butt, and I straight up fell through. I have some scrapes and bruises and I'm sore, but I guess I'm fine. I'm just thankful that it's being repaired.  Side note:  Congoleum is bomb-ass flooring because it kept us from falling through before we pulled it up. Just sayin'. 

I'm tired. We have more work to do the rest of the weekend. I have a test on Tuesday. Shadow and Kira have a web project coming due that I said I would help them both with. I did rest up most of the week, but I guess it was just so I could power through Thanksgiving and this weekend.

Sharing my sad Emma post one last time (for realsies). Worth a shot, I guess.

Highlight of my day: Baja with the fam and finding $4 in a store parking lot. Happy Birthday to me.

It's my birthday now.

It's my birthday now.

My wish: To have my girl back.

Since I can't have that I'd settle for help with getting this bill paid. We're more than halfway there.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/jpsdq3-emmas-medical-bills

I'm finally starting to feel like I might not have an elephant on my chest...

I'm finally starting to feel like I might not have an elephant on my chest and I'm thankful for that.  My mood has been up and down, but if it will stabilize somewhere in the middle I'll be ok ("ok" meaning that I'm not hiding from the world on my couch or in my bed, and with enough energy to kind of function like a human).

Friday the post man recognized my name and asked if I was the one who runs Happy Tails Lost & Found Pets of Calhoun County.  I felt slightly famous.  LOL  He told me that the group had helped someone he knew, so that made my day.  🙂

As for today, we're doing Kira's nails.  I did the base and they look pretty awesome - if I do say so myself.  She's getting really good at stamping, so she's going to finish them off with that part herself in a little while.  If I can get up the energy I might do mine, too, but they are not in great shape anymore because I've severely neglected them this semester.  🙁

Anyway, I'm finally starting to feel like I'm on the mend.  It's unfortunate that it has taken so long because we have a ton to do this week, but better late than never, I suppose.  I hope you all are doing well.  ❤

Today was my first decent-ish day since I lost my girl.

Today was my first decent-ish day since I lost my girl. I still had to nap when I got home, but I was able to get some things done.

I'm trying not to be too pushy, so I'm gonna share this today because it's payday for most of us and then I'll stop.  It's been a hard time around here and I've gotta stop seeing it.

I am not trying to forget my girl, but I am just not doing well with this constant reminder of what I've lost. It's bad enough that we don't have her here doing things like jumping up and going to bed when we turn the Xbox off at night.

I really appreciate all of the help and support from my friends. I'm hoping that some down-time this coming week will help me recuperate. I love you all. ❤️

I apologize for not being around again. I feel half-dead.

I apologize for not being around again.  I feel half-dead.  Losing Emma was terribly hard and every time I come here I see her beautiful face.  If not in my profile pic, then on the GoFundMe.  I'm just not able to process what we've lost.  I've avoided my personal Instagram since last year when I lost Scooter.  I just can't right now.

I actually made it to both classes today, so that's an improvement over any other day this week.  I was only gone from my house for a few hours, but I have zero energy left and feel that if I don't nap I won't get anything else done today.  Aside from feeling depressed I'm having fatigue from this arthritis flare-up.  I'm just over-all in a bad place.

I still love you all and hope you are doing well.  I do come on here to approve posts and members in Happy Tails, but I've otherwise been avoiding notifications and I apologize for that.  I'm hoping that some down-time will pick me back up soon.  ❤

Sorry for being MIA, friends, but I'm not doing too ok.

Sorry for being MIA, friends, but I'm not doing too ok.  I've been alternating between running around doing stuff (trying to stay occupied), and lying in my bed - literally unable to convince myself to do anything (even tell anyone how bad I'm feeling).  It's really not a good place to be, but even my Celexa couldn't save me from it.  I'm hoping that Thanksgiving week will allow me to recuperate before finals.

I finally got around to checking the GoFundMe that my friend set up and I've gotta say a big, fat "Thank you" to everyone who's donated and shared.  I will get to the personal thanks very soon, but for now I've gotta rest.  I have class early tomorrow and zero energy to get through it.  It's gonna be all I can do to get the animals settled for the night so I can get to bed.

I love and appreciate you all.  ❤

I've been going back and forth about making a GoFundMe for this.

I've been going back and forth about making a GoFundMe for this.  On the one hand, the vet bill for Emma was close to $2000 and we are more tight than ever on funds since I stopped working in August to go to school full-time.  But on the other hand, I haven't fostered any animals since Storm last year, so I feel bad asking for help from the community when I haven't been contributing.  Thankfully, a good friend stepped up and did this for me and I greatly appreciate it.  If you feel inclined to help with her bill, then thank you.  And if not - no hard feelings here.  I know that times are tough for a great many of my friends.  We're all just trying to get by.  ❤❤❤

I just want to let you know that we are hanging in there.

I just want to let you know that we are hanging in there.  Shaun deals with death pretty well.  Shadow was preparing for it since last week when she went to the hospital.  Kira has been through the wringer lately with the loss of two family members recently, but she was with Emma when she went and I think that seeing how peaceful it was really helped her be ok with it.

For me, yesterday before she died was the worst. The vet called at 9 to tell me she was stable but had a little fluid on her lungs. They wanted to call around 3 to let me know how she was doing and if she could come home. I did not get out of my bed even once before they called at 3:30. I laid there, sometimes numb, sometimes crying. For whatever reason I feel like I knew she would not make it home. I know that makes no logical sense, but it is what it is.

I feel better about her death than I do about losing Scooter and Lowrider last year. I feel like in both of their cases, we waited too long. I know they felt pain and it kills me. With Emma her last minutes were at least happy-ish, not suffering. We are going to miss her like crazy and we still have tears to shed, but I am thankful for the way it went. That really helps a lot. Thank you all for the outpouring of love.  It is greatly appreciated.  ❤

We went to pick up Emma earlier, but she didn't make it home.

We went to pick up Emma earlier, but she didn't make it home.  She was stable this morning, but her breathing was labored.  They x-rayed her lungs and she had a little fluid on them.  They suspected it was blood because of her low platelets and not being able to stop bleeding.

They checked her lungs again before we took her because she was having more and more trouble breathing, and they had even more fluid.  She was basically going to drown to death in blood.  I couldn't let that happen.  I asked them to please make it stop.

She was surrounded by me, Shaun, and Kira.  We had some people-food leftovers in the car, which Emma always loved so we all fed her tasty food and petted her until it was time, which we could tell she enjoyed.  I am so unbelievably sad, but I think that was the best way it could have gone.

She was the best girl.  I love how she could be sleeping so good and then fart, which would make her jump up and run away like someone just got her booty.  LOL  She was always super sweet, too, and wanted to be near us.  She would grab a mouth full of her food, come and spit it in the floor of the room where her humans were, and then eat it - one piece at a time - with us.

I don't really know what else to say, except that we tried our best and I think she did, too.  We're all going to miss her a lot.  We have so many good memories with her, so we'll just hold on to those the best we can.  Rest in Peace, my blue-eyed girl.  ❤

Emma Update # 2:

Emma Update # 2:

We went to see puppy girl.  The nurse said that when she took her out to potty, Emma collapsed and had to be carried back in.  Today was the first day she didn't try to come out of her crate to see us.

She didn't eat much today; however, when I hand-fed her, she did eat a little.  She also drank some water when I held the bowl up to her face.  I could tell that she was tired and weak, but she still wagged her tail for us.  She made faces at Shaun when he pretended to eat out of her bowl.  LOL

We just loved on her until she looked like she needed to rest and then we left.  Hoping for better news in the morning.

Emma Update:

Emma Update:

She's getting weaker.  They said that they are seeing something weird in her blood.  They want to do a transfusion which will make her feel better, at least temporarily.  We're going to do that and then bring her home.

One of the medications she is on can take a week to get in her system (it's been 6 days already), and another takes even longer.  I am hopeful that the transfusion will get her up and going until everything can kick in full-force but if not, we are going to love on her at home until she starts to crash again and then we won't let her feel bad anymore.

I have remained hopeful since she was admitted on Sunday, but it's starting to fade.  I don't know what else to say except that I am extremely sad right now.

Went to visit my puppy girl again.

Went to visit my puppy girl again.  Her platelets are at 5000 now; only 160,000 more to go!  😥  Her red blood cell count was slightly down this morning, but fluctuations aren't unexpected right now.  The vet isn't comfortable with releasing her yet, so she's spending another night.  She is eating well and looked a little perkier today.  She complained when we left her this time.  Poor old girl.  I hope we can get her home soon.  We miss her like crazy.

Shaun and I just took Kira out...

This girl right here is holding her own.

This girl right here is holding her own. We saw her briefly. She was sleeping when we got there and seemed happy to see us, but she tired out fast and started heading back to her kennel so she could lay back down. Good girl. Rest and heal. ❤️❤️❤️

Gotta brag on my girl!

Dr. Cooner called. Emma is holding steady at the moment.

Dr. Cooner called.  Emma is holding steady at the moment.  Her platelet count is at 3000, which is better than zero (what is was when we brought her in), but quite far from where it should be.  There is another blood-something number that I can never remember the name of that also isn't great.  We're leaving her for another day and they are adding another medication.

He said he wasn't quite comfortable discharging her yet, and to be honest I would rather her be there, too.  But due to cost, we will have to bring her home within the next couple of days.  I'm hoping to see a bit more improvement before that happens.  So, paws crossed that my old puppy girl keeps on feeling better.  We miss her terribly and home just isn't the same without her.

There are 3 weeks (counting this one) of classes left in this semester before finals.

There are 3 weeks (counting this one) of classes left in this semester before finals. I'm so ready for a break! I might have faltered and floundered and nearly lost my mind, but I've just about made it through my first semester at JSU!

My grades may not end up being exactly what I want them to, but right now progress is the priority.

I'm still strongly considering trying my hand at 5 classes in the spring.  I have three reasons for this:

1)  I've been told I was receiving an extra scholarship, so I will have the funds to do it.

2)  I will feel less crappy for having dropped Linear Algebra.

3)  Another CS student said that she didn't think the classes I chose would be terribly hard to manage all together.

Backup plan:  I try it and I drop one.  I won't be in trouble for not going full-time because I still will be.  👍

It's early-ish, but I'm heading to bed.  My bones are acting up and I could really use some rest.  It wasn't a very relaxing weekend and while I know that Emma isn't totally out of the woods seeing her feeling better was a huge relief.

I hope you all have a good night.  ❤ ❤ ❤  I'm done for this day.

We saw Emma today. She is looking a bit better.

We saw Emma today. She is looking a bit better. She was up for walking a little bit, so we took her outside and she peed and pooped.  We didn't stay long because she needs her rest, but it was great to see some improvement in my girl.  I really hope she can come home soon.  We miss her a lot.  ❤

Emma Update:

Emma Update:

 

They called and said that her blood-something was holding, and that was good.  I wish I could remember words, but alas.  I didn't sleep enough and I'm hurting, and my brain isn't working like I want it to.

They will test her blood later on tonight.  But for now, she did eat a little bit and walk around outside.  We're all going to go and visit her later this afternoon.  I will be so happy to see my girl.  ❤

I felt so drained when I got home that I fell asleep.

I felt so drained when I got home that I fell asleep.  I'm also having a pretty serious arthritis flair, so that makes me extra tired.  It's usually in my hips and knees, but right now it's in my shoulders.  I can't raise my arms very far without a pretty fair amount of pain.  So I napped and then I woke up and rushed through some homework that was due.

I called to check on Emma as soon as I was done with my homework, but they had already closed.  So, I don't have an update for the night.  🙁  The best news I have is that we don't have any missed calls from the hospital, which would indicate that something has gone wrong.  I know she's in great hands, so I'm going to try to remain calm.

I am so not ready for this week.  I don't think any of us are.  🙁

Mr. Whaley of Saks High School is absolutely the best principal I've ever met.

Mr. Whaley of Saks High School is absolutely the best principal I've ever met.  Kira lost two family members this past week and Mr. Whaley just hand-delivered KFC to our door.  I can't even express how much that kindness means right now.  ❤❤❤

Emma Update:

Emma Update:

She is being hospitalized at Animal Medical Center for the next few days.  She is in critical condition.

There is so much to tell.  We took her to Dr. Long the week before last because she was thin, weak, throwing up, having diarrhea, and bleeding out of the nose (just barely).  Her tonsils were swollen, so the first thing we did was give her antibiotics, steroids, and Phenergan.  It seemed to help, but a few days later she was still having diarrhea, so I took her back and we got an extra medication.

After that she seemed to be on the mend, so that was great.  Dr. Long said if she was worse, he'd see her this past Thursday, but she was ok.  If she was not a lot better he wanted to see her on Monday (tomorrow).  She finished her steroid, antibiotic, and Phenergan on Friday, but by yesterday she seemed to be declining (as far as weakness, panting hard, and nose beginning to bleed again last night).  I got up this morning, made her an appointment at AMC, and then decided we couldn't wait.  She was bleeding pretty bad out of her nose, her poop was black, and she had lost her appetite.

We took her in and one of the nurses said we definitely made the right call by bringing her early, so that confirmation felt nice that I wasn't just over-reacting.  They ran some tests and it's not looking great.  Her platelets are low, so she's kind of just bleeding freely out of her nose.  They did an x-ray to see if there was something causing her nose to bleed.  They didn't see anything there, but did notice that her spleen is enlarged.  The best we can hope for right now is that this is an auto-immune thing that will respond to more steroids and the chemo drug they want to give her.  Worst case, this is looking like possibly something cancerous.

So... we loved on our baby girl and admitted her.  She is still in good spirits and I don't feel like she is "done."  When we took Scooter in last year we could tell he was ready to go.  But Emma J. is still hanging in there, so if she is still fighting we will fight for her.  I know she's in great hands.  I feel relieved having left her so that they can keep an eye on her.  They are starting her treatment, and we should know within a couple of days if she's responding or not.  We can visit her and call for updates, so that is also nice.

Priority 1 is getting my baby well and brought home.  Priority 2 is figuring out the money thing.  The bill is estimated to be between $1200 and $2000.  My birthday is this month, so I am thinking about asking anyone who is considering getting me something to just donate towards her medical bill instead.  With me not working, Shaun is supporting me and the kids on one income until I finish school.  Money is tight.  We're ok, but this unplanned large expense is a big strain.  I may or may not make a GoFundMe for this.  Many of you were generous to us when my dad lost his home to a fire last year, but I really hate to depend on everyone else to get us through hard times, especially since my contributions to the community have greatly decreased since I started school.

Well, I'm off for now.  My stress level is through the roof, my shoulders are killing me (yay arthritis!), and I'm all-around exhausted.  For those who don't know:  Kira lost two relatives this past week, so we've all been stressed, sad, and stunned.  It seems like when it rains it pours, but we're hanging in there - together.  Anyway, I'll post updates as they come in.  Love to all of my friends.  ❤

At AMC with Emma.

 

Emma is going to AMC at 2:30.

I registered for my spring classes this morning.

I registered for my spring classes this morning.  I picked 5, but I'm not sure that I will keep them all.  Two seem easy-ish.  I don't want to overload myself, but at the same time I feel that I need to catch up because I dropped a class this semester.  In the long run, that won't add or erase a semester from my time at JSU, so maybe (as usual) I need to calm down... but I do want to get done, so it's hard not to rush.

I really need to look into summer classes, as well.  I heard that year-round Pell Grant might be a thing now, so that would be great if so.  I had planned to work / intern over the summer, but it is clear to me that life doesn't care about my plans, so I've gotta just keep on keeping on the best I can.  LOL

Happy Friday, friends!  ❤

Garrett Counseling seems really great.

Garrett Counseling seems really great. Kira feels comfortable and like she can make some progress with her new counselor.  Instead of this mad-dash, once-a-month at the school crap that Highland was doing, they are going to see her weekly for now after school.  I think we are all breathing a sigh of relief in that regard.

As for her family, that has been and will probably remain to be a volatile presence in her life (especially with the upcoming funerals and all of that), but we have been and will continue to try to protect her the best we can.  Since we don't have legal custody, it's stressful because we worry that not enough interaction with her relatives will result in someone trying to take her from us.  But when she turns 18 in March it will no longer be an issue, so we've just gotta get through the first of the year.

Thank you to everyone who offered advice and help during this situation.  Having her here has been great, but transitions are tough (even good ones) and she was already having a hard time before we got her.  She was going to Highland before she came here and had already had a bad experience with the counselor at Anniston Pediatrics.  We asked her pediatrician 3 weeks ago (and reminded her 2 weeks ago) to refer her elsewhere, but they didn't for whatever reason until I left upset messages this morning with a specific place we wanted her to go.

Unless I post another upset, private-ish post, assume all is well.  If you want to check on her, feel free to message us.  Since I'm friends with some of her relatives on social media I don't want to talk about anything too deep publicly.  Like I said, we are kind of walking on eggshells to keep the peace.  It's a tenuous situation and we're just doing the best we can.

Much love to you all, and thanks again.  ❤❤❤

They got her in at Garrett today at 2.

They got her in at Garrett today at 2.  Thank you so much to everyone for your help and suggestions.  It means the world to  us!  ❤❤❤  I am so thankful for you all!

This is not a public post. I would appreciate your discretion if you can see this.

This is not a public post.  I would appreciate your discretion if you can see this.

As we all know, the mental health care in this state sucks ass.  Kira has been seeing the therapist at Highland Health, but she doesn't feel like the woman listens to her or gets very deep.  She has also seen an in-house therapist at Anniston Pediatrics who isn't helping her, either.  Since she is not legally our child I don't know what our options are regarding insurance, so all she has right now is Medicaid.

So this has been a shit day for her.  Shaun took her to her appointment at Highland, and she came out crying because once again she wasn't helped.  Now, as of a few hours ago, she has lost an aunt and a brother all in the same day.  She seems to be in shock, which is totally understandable.  See the link below.

We've only had her for a couple of months, but I can tell you that she has been shuffled around and neglected for a lot of her life.  How she is as awesome as she is I'll never know.  But she needs help.  She has said as much, and we believe her.  I imagine that I'd have issues, too.  We are always here for her, of course, but having an objective 3rd party hear you out can really help.

So, do you  know of anywhere she can get ACTUAL counseling?  I know this is a long shot, but does anyone know of a real therapist out there who would accept Medicaid, or see her for a reduced fee?  We're scraping by on one income while I'm in school, but we'll find a way to pay if there is someone out there worth paying for.

https://abc3340.com/news/local/suspect-dead-officer-shot-in-shooting-during-homicide-investigation

Planning my spring schedule and...

I think the kids had an alright Halloween. 🙂

I think the kids had an alright Halloween. 🙂 Shadow went off to do things with his guy friends and just informed us that he had a lot of fun.  Shaun and I took Kira and two of her friends Trick-or-Treating. She got to meet a couple of my friends (briefly), but it was still nice. 🙂

I think the highlight of my night was when I gave a kid dressed as a clown $1 to chase one of Kira's friends (who kept saying repeatedly that she was scared of clowns). I don't usually do stuff like that, but she sure was able to dish out messing with people, so it was only fair. LOL I ended up getting a BOGO deal on the clowns because another kid dressed as a clown saw her running and joined in, for free! 😂😂😂

After that we visited my mom and had Halloween dinner. Yes, that is a thing we do. Mom had cupcakes for dessert and Kira got all teary. She said it was so beautiful. 😂😂😂 I don't know what the deal is with that girl and cupcakes (this is not the first time that has happened), but her quirks endear her to us and we just love her to pieces.

Overall, it was a good night. I hope all of you guys have had fun and stayed safe, as well. Happy Halloween! 💀 🎃 🕸️

Edited to Add:  BREAKING NEWS!  I didn't get a BOGO on the clowns.  Shaun had asked the other clown to chase her, too, and they got there at the same time. So it was a team effort.  I wasn't aware before now.  His did it for free, though.  LOL

My mom today.

My mom today. Screen cap because it isn't public, but the world needs to see this. Doing Halloween right! 😃 I love this woman.

My mom and Kira...

My mom and Kira painted some dolls up for Halloween. Kira's is on the right. She did a great job!

Kira and Shaun's Jack-O-Lanterns.

Kira and Shaun's Jack-O-Lanterns. They turned out really awesome.  That was Kira's first!

Just dropped my old puppy girl off at the vet.

Just dropped my old puppy girl (Emma) off at the vet.  She's better than she was, but I can tell she still feels like crap.  🙁  I know she's in good hands, but I HATE leaving her.  I would have stayed if I thought I could get away with missing school, but I've missed a lot just due to my own self.  Blegh.  Can't wait until this afternoon is here and I can have her back home.

Nap acquired.

I'm home from school. My day has gotten a little better.

I'm home from school. My day has gotten a little better.

I talked to Dr. Kim today about what class I could take that might help me through Linear Algebra the next time I take it.  She suggested that I audit the Calculus series at JSU; unfortunately (fortunately?) I'm not the only person from Gadsden who has struggled in this way.  She thinks that seeing the more theoretical side of Calculus should help.  So, I am going to look into that.

Also, I think I might only take CS classes in the spring.  There are enough I can take that I've already met the pre-reqs for, so I can audit a Cal class (or two) and start preparing for the re-taking of Linear Algebra.  Also, instead of taking Intro to Advanced Math, which I thought would help me with Linear but actually probably won't - I think I am now shooting for taking Combinatorics as my other elective math.  For those of you who don't know, it's basically a counting class.  It probably would have come in handy to take that BEFORE Statistics, but oh well.

Anyway.  I've eaten and now I'm about to take some meds for my bones and possibly nap since my head hurts, too.  I have homework due tonight but I don't really feel like I can think at the moment, so hopefully I can do it later.  Maybe this Monday will be ok after all. Here's hoping.

I am wearing...

I am wearing leggings, cozy pajama pants, a long-sleeved shirt, the warmest jacket I have, and a hat.  I'm indoors and I'm still freezing.  My bones in general ache, but also my driving toe hurts, my lower back hurts (I can feel my spine popping in and out of place), and I'm drowsy.  All I've wanted to do for the last few days is stay in blankets and / or sleep.  There is a little over a month left in this semester and I honestly have no idea how I'm gonna get through it.

I had let the "going to UAB" thing slide because they set my appointment for after the dates they decided to help me within.  Now I'm thinking I will follow up with them and get my records sent over like they asked and see what I have to do to extend their help dates to accommodate my appointment.  I also might go to the Student Health Center about my back.  It really might also be time to start taking a whole Celexa instead of a half.

I don't know if this is normal or what for a person in their 30's to feel like they are falling apart this much in every way, but I am having a really hard time.  I have zero problems with putting in work, but this everyday struggle kind of stuff is wearing me down.  It only makes it worse to know that I'm not working a job and that I've dropped a class and I STILL feel like life is overwhelming.  I feel like I really should be able to handle what I've got going on.

Anyway.  I can't believe it's only Monday and I feel this way.  I hope the week is going better for y'all.  ❤

Halloween cat and Halloween pumpkin. Midna is so weird. 😂😂😂

Halloween cat and Halloween pumpkin. Midna is so weird. 😂😂😂 Kira isn't quite done carving her Jack-o-lantern yet, but Midna is all about it, regardless. She just wants to touch it and lick it and bite it. She is so silly. She doesn't seem to understand why it won't fit in her mouth. She's been doing this since last night.

I did some homework today.

Emma seems to be feeling a bit better.

Home from the vet.

Home from the vet. Emma's passed out. Her tonsils are inflamed. She's got 3 meds to help her feel better. If she doesn't make a drastic improvement over the weekend, he wants to see her back on Monday. Paws crossed that my old puppy girl feels better soon! ❤️

This is my favorite status background so far...

I'm exhausted. After school tomorrow...

I'm exhausted. After school tomorrow Emma's seeing the vet. So ready for the weekend.

Today was better, but I'm exhausted.

Get ready for a TMI story.

Get ready for a TMI story.  I was not going to post this because it is SUPER embarrassing, but I'm kinda of hitting a point where if I don't laugh I will cry.  Laugh at / with me.  Just laugh.  We could all use more of that, right?

So two weeks ago me and Shaun took Kira to a haunted house.  I haven't been to one since high school.  As we were going through I was laughing SO HARD.  I was having a great time, but well, I'm too logical to feel any bit of scared by that type of thing, so it was just funny to me.  But laughing isn't all I was doing.  I peed myself.  A LOT.

That was my first clue that I was still dealing with a UTI from a month ago.  The second (which maybe should have been the first) was that I was fatigued, but since that can be a symptom of Psoriatic Arthritis I just thought I was dealing with my regular life.  Went to the Student Health Center and that was not the case.  Pretty bad UTI still.  They didn't have any idea why I wasn't presenting more symptoms, but I wasn't.  So they prescribed me Macrobid this past Friday.

I started taking it and UGH.  I have felt so much worse.  Fever, nausea, chills, headache... it kind of ruined my weekend, but I can live with that. However, I missed a class yesterday and also missed tutoring.  I woke up today feeling super horrible.  I took some Tylenol for my head, sat on the couch nibbling crackers and sipping water, hoping to feel well enough to leave.  NO SUCH LUCK.

For whatever reason, today is the day that my body decided to vomit.  And vomit I did; quite suddenly.  I grabbed the trashcan next to the couch and puked my guts out.  I also peed.  A LOT.

All I can say is:  THANK GOODNESS FOR PUPPY PADS.

I've had one on the couch since shortly after the Haunted House incident.  This isn't happening all the time, thank goodness, but I never know when I'm going to laugh that hard (especially with Kira around because she's hilarious) or actually vomit, so better safe than sorry.  That is pretty funny, right?

I took some Excedrin after I puked and then napped.  I woke up in time to be late to my 2nd class of the day if I rushed.  Still feel bad (just not AS bad), so I missed it.  🙁  I have an appointment at the Student Health Center this afternoon, which I am looking forward to.  I did not make it to school today for any class, so I've now missed 3 classes this week.  NOT COOL.

We can only miss so many days before we don't get credit for the class at all and I'm getting worried about my numbers.  I think I've used up half of my absences for my Tuesday / Thursday classes already.  I have got to get right or I'm going to be in trouble, despite all of my hard work and effort this semester.

Anyway, like I said... I'm at the point where if I don't laugh I'll cry, so I'm desperately trying to have a sense of humor about all of this.  This whole semester has been ridiculously hard... if not due to the transition, then due to the material, or due to my physical health, or due to my mental health.  I don't necessarily believe in higher powers or any of that, but sometimes I feel like I'm being tested.  "How bad do you want to change your life, Blu?  Bad enough to hang in there despite _____ [insert whatever crap has just happened to me]?"

Well, yes, Universe. I want it that bad.  It ain't over 'til it's over and I'm still standing.  Perhaps depending on antidepressants, legit failing a class so bad I had to drop it, hunched over in pain, and in need of an adult diaper, but I am still here - staying the course.  That counts for something, right?

I love you, friends.  I hope life is going easier on y'all than it is on me.  If not, stay strong.  It will let up eventually.  It has to.  ❤

Called the Student Health Center because I feel so terrible.

Called the Student Health Center because I feel so terrible.  They put me on Macrobid on Friday.  I have felt so much worse since then.  I'm having fever and chills when I didn't before.  They said I could skip my morning dose of hell in pill form and that they would see me this afternoon.  I have never had an antibiotic make me feel so bad.

Dr. Kim is going to allow me to keep coming to class...

Dr. Kim is going to allow me to keep coming to class even though I dropped Linear Algebra today. I'm grateful.

I'm home from school.

I'm home from school.  Missed CS class because I couldn't drag myself out of bed in time.  Went to Linear Algebra because I don't dare miss that class.  Found out I made a 2/10 on the last quiz.  Went to the scholarship office for an update.  They let me drop it.  Got a stern warning that I wouldn't be able to do that again.  I wish I could say I felt relief or anything good, but I just don't right now.

I came home.  I didn't go to tutoring.  I am pretty sure I've been running a fever off and on since I've been awake.  Hot one minute, chills the next.  My antibiotic makes me nauseated and drowsy.  I'm taking a nap.  Maybe I will feel better physically, and better about life in general, when I wake up.  I sure hope so.

Emailed Dr. Kim to see if I could still come to class and take notes.  Maybe she'll let me.  I need to be as prepared as possible for the next go round with L.A., for I have been warned that there is no way out.  How's that for scary?

Hoping that between this book and this YouTube series...

Hoping that between this book and this YouTube series I will be able to pull my Linear Algebra grade out of the toilet. I ALMOST bought the "for Dummies" book because that's about how I feel right now, but the advert for this book said that it "didn't suck" and the people who left reviews seemed pretty happy with it. I'm excited to dig in.

I've only watched a couple of videos from the YouTube channel, but it's already clarified a lot. I can remember why I'm doing things a lot better when I know why I am doing them. Just throwing a bunch of symbols at me and expecting them to stick apparently does not work. 😕

(The YouTube channel is unrelated to the book, but one of the reviewers of the book said to watch these videos in their book review. THANK GOODNESS.)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kjBOesZCoqc

My Saturday evening...

My Saturday evening. I have this Discrete CS homework due, plus I have to get a presentation together on Fuzzy Logic. I really wanted an earlier start, but I was busy napping / sweating out a fever earlier. Doing my best, though.

Off and on today I've been catching up on shows with Shadow. I see a shower in my near future, too. I hope y'all are enjoying your evening. I'm making the most I can of mine. ❤

It's been a long week. I've been super tired.

It's been a long week.  I've been super tired.  Went to the doctor today and I'm battling an infection.  Again.  Or still.  I don't even know at this point.  The doctor is also slightly concerned about my liver, so they took blood and hopefully everything comes back fine next week.  Hopefully 2-ish years of methotrexate didn't wreck it.  Other news on the health front:  I feel my skin and bones getting ready to flare up; I'm not sure if it's weather or stress or what, but it's coming.  Yay. /sarcasm

The highlight of my week was Thursday.  Dr. Trifas invited Kira to come to class with me, and she did.  Dr. Trifas liked her a lot.  She emailed me today and told me how beautiful and genuine and smart Kira is.  Of course, we already knew that, but I'm glad that others see it, too.  🙂  She is interested in helping her get ready to take the ACT so hopefully we can work on some of that soon, but with her school schedule it might not be super easy.

We'll work it out, though.

Anyway, after my Discrete class was over I had to go and take my Stats test, so Kira went over to the library at JSU and waited for me to be done.  When I got over there we checked out quite a few art books that she was interested in.  Then we took an elevator selfie because the ceiling is a mirror, so why not?  LOL  THEN we had lunch together at TMB, picked up a few art supplies at the bookstore, and then walked around some.  Kira said she had a really good day, and I did, too.  I think she is thinking more about college stuff, so that is making my day.  😃❤❤

Ok, well, maybe Linear Algebra isn't going so well...

Can anyone tell me...

Anxiously awaiting the results of my Statistics test.

Anxiously awaiting the results of my Statistics test.  I felt mostly ok about it, but that means nothing.

I just checked my Linear Algebra average and it's a whopping 46.  ☹️☹️☹️  I am kind of back to hoping I can drop it.  I know that if I fail it I can re-take it, but I might have to take it with the same teacher; I'm not sure, so I will check on that tomorrow.

The guy who teaches it next semester has super low ratings, though, so even if I can take a different teacher it doesn't seem like it will be any better.  I'm kind of wondering if I can just save it for later.  I'm just feeling like there is no win for me right now.  😕

I have a Linear Algebra quiz tomorrow, so I guess I'm off to study - for all the good it will do.  I'm trying not to feel discouraged, but it's just about the middle of the semester and it doesn't seem like there is much saving to be done on that grade.  Wish me all the luck and brain power, please.  I need it.  ❤

Up studying.

I legit have about 5 calculators now.

I legit have about 5 calculators now.

I NEED THEM ALL!  😂😂😂😭😭😭

I talked to my Stats professor today after class.

I talked to my Stats professor today after class.  The way the points for the class are set up, it looks like I'll come out with a C if I do all of the labs (which I will), the bonus-point assignment that I signed up for (of course), AND make a 50 on the last 3 exams (which I am sure I can manage).  Anything above that and I'm headed towards a B.  Woohoo!

In that class if we don't miss an exam our final grade can replace a low test grade, so it's entirely POSSIBLE (though not probable) that I could come out with an A.  After the way this semester has gone, I'd be excited to come out with a C (which is passing for my major's purposes), but of course a B would be amazing.  I am doing ok in my two CS classes, so really it's Linear Algebra that I have to worry about.

So I'm finally starting to feel better about being at JSU.  I've walked around enough that I know where things are, I've figured out how a lot of stuff works, and I've been able to find a lot of help and support when I needed it.  Still haven't heard back about dropping a class and keeping scholarships, but since I found out that my GPA can take a temporary hit I'm not freaking out.

So with that, I'm off to finish my Stats labs and make sure I'm ready for the test we have on Thursday.  I have a Linear Algebra quiz on Friday, so I'll freak out about that once I find out what's on it tomorrow.  LOL

❤❤❤

Calculus did this to me. 😂😂😂

Calculus did this to me.  😂😂😂

Shaun was carving a little piece of wood...

Shaun was carving a little piece of wood. Then he gave it to me. This guy is the best. ❤️😍❤️😍❤️

I stopped by the Registrar's office today to ask a question.

I stopped by the Registrar's office today to ask a question.  That question was:  "If I make a bad grade and re-take the class, does the new grade replace the old one?"  The answer was yes, so I am breathing a sigh of relief.

I haven't yet heard back about dropping a class and being able to keep my scholarship, but as far as I know my scholarship only requires me to keep a 3.0.  My 3.8 can take a hit, especially if it's just temporary.  Still trying to do my best because I hate to waste time and money, but that adds a layer of security for me.  I was kind of bummed at the thought of dropping a class, anyway, especially if it's one I'm struggling with.  I feel like I want to stay in and see what I'm up against, you know?

So the panic-mode is deactivating.  Probably in part due to having knowledge and plans, and probably also in part due to Celexa.  In any case I do have some school work to do this weekend, but I am not going to freak out the whole time I'm doing it.  I hope y'all have a lovely weekend.  I am planning to have the best one I've had in a while.  🙂

Today has been basically a complete waste.

Today has been basically a complete waste. I didn't make it to any class, and I didn't find the kitten, and I haven't studied, and I'm gross and sick from being on the side of the road and under my car.

Super "Thank you" to my mom for coming to help me look for the kitten when I called.  Much appreciation goes out to Meia for taking me back and helping me look for the kitten again.  We had no luck, but are planning to try one more time tomorrow evening.  Beyond that I don't know what else to do except hope for the best.  Hopefully, I don't find it smashed on the side of the road on my way to school in the morning.  Right now that feels like it would be my luck.

Goodnight, friends, and thank you to everyone who wanted to help.  I'm sorry that I wasn't super available on the interwebs today, but shit was happening and I was trying my best to deal with it.  ❤

Kitten situation:

TRIGGER WARNING:  Animal Abuse
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Kitten situation:

I was in the left lane getting ready to pass someone.  There was a car in front of me, but not super close.  If I'm not mistaken it was red.  Next thing I know a kitten comes flying back towards my car.  I hit the brakes.  I saw it on the side of the road.  Young, white and orange and brown, blue eyes.  I stopped so close to it because it was right on the edge of the road.  I hesitated because I don't want someone to plow into me.  I panicked; couldn't find emergency flashers.  Said "screw it" and open the door.  No kitten.  My assumption was that it went under my car and hid.  Could not find it there.  Looked in the median.  Called my mom.  Moved my car out of the road.  Looked under it some more.  Looked across the road.  Took my car (super slowly) to Hero's parking lot to get out of the grass and away from the traffic noise to look some more.  Had to come home because the sun makes me sick. Looked on opposite side of the road on the way home.  Cannot find it.  Questioning my sanity.

I need help. Right now.

TRIGGER WARNING:  Animal Abuse

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I need help. Right now. Either I'm insane or the car in front of me just threw a kitten out of their window. I pulled over into the left median and I can't find it. I'm afraid it hid under my car. I can hear it when traffic dies down. I don't know what to do. Was heading from Anniston to Jacksonville. Someone come help me.

I was at school today from 8:45 until around 7:30 this evening.

I was at school today from 8:45 until around 7:30 this evening.  Classes ended at 11, but I went to the library to study after grabbing some lunch because I have a TON of catching up to do.  Didn't go as great as I wanted it to, but I did make some progress, thank goodness.

Not long after I got there an alarm went off telling us to get out of the building and not use the elevators.  So I packed up all of my stuff and carried it down 9 flights of stairs.  😳  Better than having to carry it UP the stairs, I suppose.  LOL  But after they let us back in it went off AGAIN.  I asked someone if I had to leave and he said I could take my safety into my own hands.  So I sat there and kept working.  Then the alarm went off again.  Then they let people come back in.  And then the alarm went off every few minutes after that for probably close to two hours.  It was terrible.  They kept turning it off and announcing over the intercom that we didn't have to leave.  Finally, they got the alarm to stop sounding, but left the emergency lights flashing, so that was distracting, but less horrible than being interrupted by a siren followed by a message to leave.

What is so bad is that I considered coming home several times, but I couldn't decide which place had more distractions.  LMAO  When the library is quiet it is REALLY nice.  I love it.  It is so soothing to my brain.

Anyway.  They said that the building was having a circuit problem or something.  I assumed if it was an actual life or death emergency they would announce as much over the intercom, or people would have seemed more panicked.  I just honest to goodness didn't have time for that mess today.  LOL

I probably shouldn't, but...

Rest in Peace, Beyonce. 😢

Rest in Peace, Beyonce.  😢

Liver failure got her.  We're not sure what it was due to, but the vet said it would have been hard to treat her because of how wild she was.  I wish we could have done more for her; I'm gonna miss seeing my ghosty kitty around.  When she let Shaun pet her Monday night I knew she was not ok.  I didn't know it was that serious, though.  ☹️

Despite not being able to get my car out of the yard...

Despite not being able to get my car out of the yard without Shaun's help I made it to school in time for my second class, which was Linear Algebra.  Thank goodness because I definitely wouldn't want to miss it - especially if I can't drop it.

I also met my tutors today.  My appointments with them weren't until 1 and 2, but I went straight to the tutoring lab to study as soon as Linear Algebra was over at 11.  It was SO NICE to have some peace and quiet.  I don't think I realized how much of a difference that would make.

I know I said that I was going to stay at the school to study like, a week ago, but I kept making excuses to come home.  Knowing I had to meet someone made it a lot easier to stay.  I am hoping that I will be able to convince myself to stay the rest of this week, as well, but who knows?  I am feeling more able to cope with my life at the moment, so hopefully I will make good decisions.

In any case I feel like I'm on the mend and slowly climbing my way back up the mountain of things I let slide.  It is not a fun place to be and it's a lot of work, but it's definitely better than sitting at the bottom feeling helpless and watching the mountain grow.

Also, one of my tutors said that she is a CS major who is minoring in Math as well and she's getting close to done.  She said it sounded like I have a really tough schedule, so at least I know I'm not just straight up being a pansy this semester.  That made me feel a good bit better, too.  🙂

If you're offended by cursing then don't read this, but...

If you're offended by cursing then don't read this, but it is SO ACCURATE.  😂😂😂  Tarantulas are legit big babies.  I can't remember the last time Anansi ate.  She did molt recently, though, so hopefully it will be soon.

I got up and tried to have a regular day.

I know that Celexa hasn't really had time to kick in yet, but...

I know that Celexa hasn't really had time to kick in yet, but today has felt ok. I have mostly just been chilling since I finished the DSC assignments last night.

Me and Kira and Shaun took the dogs walking.  We don't go often enough, and in fact I'm pretty sure I haven't been since sometime before I started JSU, but we walked our usual route and I'm not tired.  I'm usually huffing and puffing so if nothing else walking that hill every day at JSU has improved my health at least slightly.  Yay for that.  🙂

I should be practicing my C++ or studying Linear Algebra or Probability & Stats.  I think I'm about to try my hand at some Probability homework.  I still need to email my Linear Algebra teacher, as well.

If I think hard enough I'm sure I have tons to do, but I'm not going to do that to myself today.  I'm gonna do what I can, and then relax some more.  Tryna keep it low-stress over here for now.

I hope you all are having a nice weekend.  ❤

Today has been a mixed bag, but...

Today has been a mixed bag, but at least I feel like I can say that things might be looking up.

I was SUPER SICK last night.  Nausea, headache, fever, etc.  Physically I still do not feel good at all, but it's not as bad as yesterday, thank goodness.

On the school front... I'm so embarrassed to admit this, but I made a 3 on that Linear Algebra test.  A literal THREE.  I just could not make my brain go on Wednesday, so that is what happened.  🙁  On the bright side several people have told me that they had to re-take linear algebra, so it's not just me.  But I am going to email my professor this weekend and let her know what all is going on.  Since I still don't know if I'll be able to drop the class I might as well do as much as I can while I'm in there.

On the dropping that class front... I checked in with the scholarship guy and he said it would be 10 days - 2 weeks before he could tell me anything.  I don't want to just keep failing it that hard only to find out that I can't drop it, so I'm gonna put in the effort on it.

Speaking of effort - DSS really came through for me.  They have found me tutors for both Linear Algebra and Probability and Statistics.  So I will be meeting with tutors every Monday so that I can get on track.  I'm pretty excited about that.  I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but it would be great if I didn't have to drop Linear.  We'll see, though.

Other than that I met with my adviser today and he said that he really thought I'd be able to drop Linear Algebra if it came to that.  He said that my record was strong and he's sure that JSU will want to keep me.  He said it helped that I have identified my issues and that I'm taking steps to get back on track.  So that was nice.

I also found out that after I finish my required maths (Linear Algebra and the Stats class) that I am literally one math class away from a math minor.  So even though I don't have to declare a minor I'm going to.  There is absolutely no reason not to at this point.

The last thing was that we planned my schedule for spring.  That's cool and all, but I found out that even if I go full time and take two classes each summer I won't be finished until summer of 2019.  🙁  I was thinking I'd have summers off and finish in May of 2019, so that is kind of a bummer.  But on the bright side of all THAT he did say that Linear Algebra looked like one of my harder classes, so if that's the case I will probably survive the next two years.  LOL

So yeah.  There is a lot going on.  I still don't feel 100% physically or mentally, but having plans in place is uplifting, at least.  I feel pretty supported by the efforts of DSS and hopefully my Celexa will kick in in time for me to have motivation and energy and a working brain before I majorly mess up anything else.  For now I'm off to muddle through some DSC homework that is due tonight.

I hope you all have a great weekend.  I plan to rest and study if I can.  While I do feel the pressure to try to get back on top of things ASAP I know that creating more stress for myself right now is a bad idea, so I'm going to try to be super nice to me.  Hopefully, I can.  That is not one of my strong points, unfortunately.  😕

❤❤❤