I was on here earlier and I had to get off.

I was on here earlier and I had to get off.  I felt overwhelmed.  I'm very happy to see so many people - especially white ones - sharing and caring and standing up for our black brothers and sisters.  But there is unfortunately the other side to that coin and it is ugly and ignorant.  I haven't in years had the mental energy to fight people on the internet the way I used to (yay for sketchy mental health), but I did talk to someone who I thought could be reasoned with.  He stopped replying so either he's thinking or just turning a blind eye to my replies.  In any event - I gave what I could today.

I'm only back because I want to post about my animals because it makes me happy to talk about them.  Shaun and I revamped Tort Baby's house the other day.  I also clipped his nails.  He didn't seem phased by it, but they ended up super sharp so I'm going to see about using the Dremel on him in the next few days.  We also changed out Bruce's (ball python) bedding and spent a little bit of time with him.  He's as sweet as ever.  I'm planning to spend a good bit more time with the reptiles now that I'm dogless.  I honestly feel very lonely.  Cats just aren't the same.

More on that:  Yes, we have two dogs outside (Cubba and Rose).  I guess we aren't technically dogless as a household, but neither of them were meant to be MY dogs and I never bonded with them like I did my pack.  I'm not saying that I won't ever, but I'm definitely not ready yet.  I don't think I'll be fostering or planning to get another forever dog until we can do better by Cubba and Rose.  That isn't fair to them.  I've trained Cubba before and he's smart as hell so I know he could be an inside dog, but Rose is a whole 'nother story.  She's wild and we never spent any time with her.  She is Cubba's dog.  😂😂😂  I legit got her so he wouldn't be lonely and escape the fence.  I'm aware that's shitty but she needed a place to go and we had a purpose for her and a safe space, so it is what happened.  I don't think it makes her untrainable, though.  She will just be WORK.

Aside from that we got a fountain for the cats.  You would think they've never had water with as much as they drank yesterday.  Needless to say, it's a hit.  We like it, too.  It's quiet, it's clear so we can see when it needs to be cleaned or refilled, and it's got two levels so more than one cat can drink at the same time.  And so far, no one has stuck their feet in it - THANK GOODNESS.

Since I no longer have a buddy to share my bedroom with I have more floor space since the trundle isn't pulled out.  I'm still really sad about my dogs.  The timing of their deaths was so close together that I still worry it was something I did or something in my bedroom.  It just doesn't make sense, though.  But anyway, I've put a bit of work into my room over the last few days and I think I finally have enough space to bust out my yoga mat.  I've never done yoga at home but I won't be going to the gym anytime soon, so I'm making my space as nourishing to my mind and body as I can.  It's beautiful with plants and light.  It's warm, cozy, and colorful.  It'll make a great office space when I get a job.  I don't know; I'm just happy with it and wanted to say so.

I guess I'm off.  I hope you all are staying safe and doing well.  Please don't be racist.  I love you.

Yesterday was rough for a few reasons.

Yesterday was rough for a few reasons.  Obviously I am still in mourning; not just the loss of Booka, but the end of a wonderful chapter in my life.  But there is more.  The endless murder of black people by those who are sworn to protect and serve weighs heavily on me.  The story of George Floyd broke my heart.  Shaun and I had a tearful conversation last night - not only as parents of mixed-race children but as two human beings who feel helpless to fix the systemic racism that permeates America.

I don't usually feel the need to talk about these things because I (possibly incorrectly) assumed that anyone who knows me knows where I stand (and I kind of thought I'd be preaching to the choir, anyway).  I tend to lean more towards letting my actions speak louder than my words; I've never been one to just vent anger without searching for solutions or actively trying to help.  The way I see it is that if you don't like something, work to change it or shut the hell up.  I like to see things improve and that does not happen with empty words and no action.

Story time:

When I was in high school I was in drumline.  The section leaders were two black guys.  I freaking ADORED them.  They were great drummers, funny guys, and made band my favorite part of the day.  Even after we'd done our lessons and had free time in the class the whole drumline would sit together in the back of the room and work on cadences or improvise songs together.  One that I will never forget is "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mermaid.  😂😂😂  Needless to say - when I came home from school I would talk about band nonstop.  It got to the point where my dad was suspicious that I liked these guys as more than friends.  Mom had a talk with me and I started being more guarded with what I talked about because I didn't want to risk being pulled out of band.

At some point in high school I had my first serious boyfriend.  He was Puerto Rican.  I did get racist comments from classmates, but somehow my family was more ok with him because he wasn't black (not that anyone was thrilled he wasn't white).  I cared a lot for this guy.  I loved his family.  This was my first exposure to anyone who wasn't black or white and I thoroughly enjoyed my time spent with him and his family.  Like most teenage relationships it eventually ended but I have a lot of good memories from that time in my life.

Later on I met the guy who is the father of my child.  For those who don't know - he's black.  If I thought the racism I experienced while with a Puerto Rican guy was bad then I had no idea what was to come.  I've been called all kinds of slurs.  I've been told that black people are an entirely different species.  I had one old white lady repeatedly beg to buy my unborn child because "our lives would be hard because he's black."  Hearing the racist things that have happened to my child over the years has torn my heart to pieces.  So while I'm day-glow white I do have some small idea what racism feels like.

What I also know is that I have privilege due to my skin color.  If you are white or can pass as white then you have it, too.  Here's a story my mom used to tell me of a city she visited back in the 70s.  Whites and blacks had to shop on opposite sides of the streets in this backwards place that hadn't fully accepted integration.  She, being an open-minded rebel, would sometimes shop on the black side of the street.  She got a lot of looks, but that was all.  So finally one day I asked her what would happen if a black person had tried to shop on the white side.  She said she didn't know and I said "It probably would be worse than getting a side-eye" and she agreed. I think that was the moment privilege clicked for her.

I guess it might not be easy to see or understand your privilege if you don't actually LOVE someone who is black, but as parents of mixed kids we see it as clear as day.  When Shadow was still just a tween I panicked every time he asked to walk down the street to a friend's house.  Shaun and I still worry about him being pulled over - despite the talks we've had about what he should do if it happens.  Shadow and Kira have experienced racism just going to Wal-Mart for groceries.  Any of you parents of white kids ever have your teens come home - clearly shaken - because of some rednecks following them around and making racist comments?  I doubt it.

I have written all of this to say:  BLACK LIVES MATTER.  They sure matter a whole hell of a lot to us.  We empathize with the fear and rage that the black community experiences when another black person is killed in a situation where a white person would have survived.  It is not fair and it is not ok.  I agree with peaceful protests, but when the nation refuses to listen to that what choice is left but to escalate?  If my child had been killed like George Floyd or any of the others who came before him - make no mistake - I'd riot, too.

I know that we as a family are not perfect at battling systemic racism, but Shaun and I try.  We absolutely care.  I have policed the police and will continue to do it.  We point out racism and privilege when we see it.  We mourn every time a situation like this happens.  And we are open to suggestions for other ways we can improve.

Stay safe and love one another, friends.  We MUST do better.  ❤

Yesterday was pretty good.

Yesterday was pretty good.  We still haven't been eating out as a general rule, but Shaun and I decided to get curbside pickup from IHOP and invite the kids over for family dinner since we're all still reeling from losing Booka.

I don't want to get too sidetracked on pandemic stuff, but IHOP doesn't have designated areas to park for curbside pickup so you have to call when you arrive.  Shaun called and the hostess was like "Do you want me to bring it out?"  We just looked at each other like "What does she think curbside means?"  We watched a flock of elderly people leave IHOP - none of whom were wearing masks.  The hostess did bring out our order, but of course she pulled her mask down to speak to us.  So... we're just going to continue staying in because that whole experience was nothing short of disappointing.

Anyway, seeing the kids was great.  My heart needed some happy.  We ate and hung out.  We watched a movie and some episodes of our shows.  Shadow played with the cats and talked hair and games with Shaun.  Kira thought she didn't like grapefruit but it turns out that she just hadn't had a fresh one (only some from a package).  She showed us new music and they both told us how things were going at the apartment.  Somehow ended up watching a ton of DIE ANTWOORD videos.  We promised to take Kira to see them if they tour around here again (she wasn't in our lives yet when we saw them before).  I got to hear how my Gramkitty Leon is doing.  Good times.

Today, though - I struggled to even get out of bed.  My chest feels heavy and sad.  There are some things I need to do and have been meaning to do around here, but I'm not sure I have the motivation.  I did start some laundry so I guess that's something.  I know that it's going to sound so dumb, but I feel empty without a dog.  We have 10 cats plus some of the most sociable reptiles I've ever met... I don't want to say that they are not enough, but it's definitely not the same.  I don't know.  Maybe once my heart heals I'll be ok, but for now I just feel really off.

Well, I guess I'm done.  I just wanted to write my feelings.  I hope you all are doing well.  ❤

If I meets it, I eats it by The Herpetology Collective

The Worst Cat.

It's pouring rain outside - very noticeably.

It's pouring rain outside - very noticeably. I got the message below from Kira out of nowhere. 

I haven't laughed so hard in days. I love this goof more than words can say. 💗💗💗

I haven't seen the kids in a few days and I miss them so much. I know they are mourning the loss of Booka, too. These are hard times, but we'll all be ok because we have each other. ❤️

I didn't go to bed...

I didn't go to bed until around 4 this morning.  I intentionally stayed up until I just couldn't because I didn't want to go to "our" room alone.  (I sleep in a loft with a trundle that rolls out on the floor - that was my doggie bed.)  I didn't want to sleep in a quiet room without my little buddy snoring.  I didn't want to lie there and not hear him rolling in his blankets, "making his bed."  So I stayed up until I was exhausted, took some Melatonin, and crashed hard and fast.

I didn't get out of bed until 3 pm.  Shaun came to check on me and said he'd like to see me.  I told him I would get up, but laid there for a bit.  I guess I took too long because Scar came meowing for me.  I finally got up.  I had no one to wake up.  No to ask if they wanted to go outside.  No one in "our" room.

Scar was underfoot.  That's his thing lately.  I picked him up and he purred and dug his claws into my shoulder.  I hugged him and petted him.  I sat awkwardly on the couch, knowing damn well this is not what my mornings are supposed to feel like.  I went outside.  Stood on the porch awkwardly.  I knew I was supposed to be out there, but now I have no reason to be.  I checked the mail and came back inside.  I cleaned a little bit, read your sweet comments to me, and cried.

Here is a video of my boy getting ready for bed a few nights ago.  He did this every night and it was honestly one of my favorite things ever.

https://www.facebook.com/100001265763733/videos/3181705128548315/

For the first time in 14 years I am dogless. 😭😭😭

For the first time in 14 years I am dogless. 😭😭😭

Booka had a rough night and things only got worse throughout the day. We took him to the vet this evening, but they offered painkillers as palliative care. I didn't want to see my boy suffer, and I certainly didn't want things to go down like they did with Faith, so we made the tough decision to let him go.

He was 18. He had cataracts and could barely see. He had lumps growing on him. Over the last year, he's had a few UTIs which made the vet raise concerns about kidney failure. He was having a hard time using the stairs (of course we helped him). He'd had at least one seizure, possibly 2. We felt that his quality of life was on thin ice as it was.

I am sad. So, so, freaking sad. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight without him snoring. I don't know what I'm going to do without my little bad boy. But what I am not is regretful. We have honestly spoiled the hell out of him, little last man standing, since Faith died. Snuggles all the time, never left alone, blankets to roll in, treats on demand... After a few nights of me getting out of bed for midnight snacks for myself, he decided he could get up and ask for something good, too. 😂😂😂 And I indulged him - because why not?

Shaun and I were with him when he passed. We took a blanket for him, as well as bacon treats. We both petted him and loved on him. I literally spooned him to death. I hate that this happened today. I was not ready. But I am more at peace with this decision than I will ever be over leaving Faith that day.

It's the end of an era for me. Here's to the best pack I've ever had. ❤️

Scooter

Emma

Booka

Nappy

Faith

Lowrider

Lately Scar (cat) cries when I go to bed.

Lately Scar (cat) cries when I go to bed. When I wake up he gets under my feet and won't let me walk until I pick him up and hug him. When I'm not in my room he's pretty much always near me. I'm not used to this level of clinginess from a cat. I honestly thought that behavior was only a "Shaun + Bastian 4ever" thing. 😂😂😂

I knew cats like to sit on laps, but I thought being picked up was different. Most of ours don't mind, a couple HATE it, and then Bastian and Scar beg for it and enjoy it. I don't know. I guess I don't mind being loved like this, but I'm definitely not used to it. 😂

Booka doesn't like to be left alone...

Booka doesn't like to be left alone - probably because he's a million years old. But it was bedtime and I could tell he was ready so I took him to my room and left him there for just long enough to brush my teeth. Rather than settling himself in he barked such a fit that when I got back I found Shaun sitting with him and comforting him.

Tl;dr:  My old puppy is spoiled and I married the kindest human. 💗💗💗

A couple of days ago we had a thunderstorm roll through...

A couple of days ago we had a thunderstorm roll through around 4:30 in the morning.  I was in my bed and Shaun was in the den (at the opposite end of the house).  I wasn't quite asleep; I remember being aware of the storm.  Then suddenly I was wide awake with my heart trying to escape my chest because there was a lightning strike so close and so loud.  I've never experienced anything like that before.

I texted Shaun to see if he was ok and he said he was fine and heard it coming.  WHAT?!  After some yard work yesterday evening he told me that the tree outside of my bedroom window had been hit.  I went outside to look a few minutes ago and there are scorch marks on it.  That's so sad, but that definitely explains why it sounded close. That tree is about 20 feet away from my room.

I did my nails twice recently.

I did my nails twice recently. One time I had high hopes but hated the way it turned out. The second time (pictured) I was just going to wear a polish but Shaun told me I should stamp purple on it, so this is the result. I actually really like how it came out. Sometimes less is more, I suppose.

I am so excited.

I am so excited.  Last night I worked on my desktop PC that had been running slow and had wayyy too much junk on it.  I've had it since 2012 and it's running Windows 7 (by my choice - I blocked the upgrade to Windows 10... for reasons).  It's still a good computer but for the last two/three years it was easier to just use my tablet for school.  But now that my summer class is coming up and it's going to be fully online I need to use my tablet for my ebook while still being able to connect online and watch class.  So... it was a good time to go ahead and get it running better.  I did and I feel accomplished!

ON TOP OF THAT I found my .psd resume file.  I thought I'd lost it and would have to start ALL THE WAY OVER on my favorite resume, but I don't.  That is a HUGE deal because I worked for literal hours perfecting it.

On a similar note:  I've also got most of the files that I'm not immediately using put on my external hard drive.  I feel so much more organized than I have in a long time.  I deleted a bunch of duplicate files, sorted things, and have even considered scanning in some stuff from my filing cabinet and going more or less paperless when it comes to documents of which I need to have a copy.  I don't know.  That's probably a bigger task for another day, but I can certainly add it to my to-do list!

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good so far today.  I have my bedroom and PC nice and tidy and ready for school / work when the times comes.  My brain feels so chill when things are in order.  Yay!  😁

My claws are SHARP.

My claws are SHARP. While changing into my pajamas just now I literally sliced my nip-nop to the point that it's bleeding. I'm definitely repainting these bad boys tomorrow to dull them. Gotta cap those edges!

Ouch! 😬😬😬

Shaun made a pizza.

Shaun made a pizza.  He normally puts spices on it and it's good, but when we cleaned the kitchen the other day he moved the spices into new containers.  He wasn't ready for the way they pour out.  Let's just say, um... I choked out.  I wasn't ready.  😂😂😂  It was good, though!

I watered this many plants today.

I watered this many plants today. I just finished and I know I started by 8 this morning. I'm tired!

I bottom-water all of the pots (meaning that I move them to a tub of water, then move them to a rack to drip dry, then put them back on the shelves) and I refill all of the jars by hand with a squeeze bottle. It's kind of a lot. Thankfully, I got most of them today. There are a few stragglers left that I'll get within the next few days. Hopefully. 😂😂😂

Once again I'm awake at 7-something in the morning.

Once again I'm awake at 7-something in the morning. But this time I slept last night! I'm so excited! Still a bit drowsy, but I'm getting up because my plants are thirsty.

GOOD MORNING!

🌞😁🌞

Even though I didn't sleep until after 8 this morning...

Even though I didn't sleep until after 8 this morning I did finally get some rest.  After that I decided to get moving or I knew I'd be glued to the couch the rest of the day.

I did my chores right away so all of the animals were cleaned and fed.  After that Shaun and I cleaned and rearranged the kitchen a bit.  It's nothing huge, but it looks nicer and we have more counter space.  We also installed an under-cabinet light and that definitely brightens things up.

I also emptied my fish tank.  I haven't had a fish since Salamander died a few months back, but my Marimo still lived there.  The tank had gotten pretty overrun with algae and didn't look very nice, but my Marimo are good.  I cleaned them and have them in a small tub of water.  The cats keep drinking out of them.  I guess they make it taste good.  😆  I'm looking for a 5 gallon tank to put them in if anyone has one available.  I have larger and smaller ones, but a 5 is the Goldilocks size I'd like to use right now.  I'm up for trading or buying for cheap if anyone is interested.  Please let me know!

Other than that we saw the kids today.  Kira made a delicious Tres Leches and we hung out and I painted her nails.  I also photographed my nails that I did the other day.  Maybe I'll post them.  They aren't mind-blowing nail art, but I love the shape and think they are decent - considering how long it's been since I've done anything to them.

I hope you all are doing well.  ❤

Lemme brag.

Lemme brag. Kira has been making desserts since the quarantine started. She's done a great job, but today she KILLED IT with some Tres Leches. Shadow rarely eats sweets and had 2 pieces. We all did! It was SO GOOD! 🤤🤤🤤

I'm on the couch, awake.

I'm on the couch, awake. I haven't been able to sleep all night. I'm feeling some type of way so I dimmed the lights and put Cheers on the TV. I love that show and have watched it through several times. I guess I've just started again. I don't know why but it comforts me and for whatever reason - I needed that today.

I'm listening to Booka snore beside me. Watching Balthazar's little back paws kick as he dreams. Hearing Scar's whistling nose as he curls up closer to me. Watching my beautiful orange Toebeans sleep curled up in the black chair across from me. Hearing my wonderful Shaun snore in his bedroom. I think everyone here is asleep except for me.

I can't decide if it's time to get up and move or if I should just try to nap with these creature kids. For the first time in months I missed a dose of my anti-anxiety as well as skipped a day of my litter box chores. I feel bad about it. I will do better today, but I can't decide if today starts now or after a nap. I feel sleepy, but that hasn't meant a thing to my body in the last week.

Good morning to you - whenever yours starts.

I haven't slept well in days.

I haven't slept well in days. Every time I lie down anywhere I smell bacon. Even when I light candles or put mint lip balm on my nose I smell it. It doesn't happen during the day and no one is making bacon in the house. It's driving me crazy and keeping me awake.

😕

My favorite thing about succulents...

My favorite thing about succulents is I can say "Dang, I REALLY need to water my plants." for like, 45 days in a row without acting on it and they are just like, "Cool, whenever you have time."  😂😂😂  I swear they are the best things ever.  💚💚💚

We just finished cleaning / revamping...

We just finished cleaning / revamping our (horned lizard) Koopa's house. He's got a lot more hides, not that he ever used them, but we'll see. 😂

I was also inspired by Jennifer's recent picture of Clover (red foot tortoise) to upgrade Nom's humid hide. These tortoises aren't supposed to have lumpy shells. Nom came to me that way and most of what I read said that it was irreversible, so I just followed standard care guides and didn't worry about it. I have provided Nom with a humid hide for as long as I've had him but he never seemed to care for it. But Clover's shell looks amazing and Jenn said it might be all of the humidity in her area so we're giving it a shot. Shaun and I made a new one and hopefully he'll use it. We'll see about that, too. He's stubborn as hell. 😂😂😂 But at least we are trying.

We have a few more habitats to go, but that's enough for one day. My cypress mulch won't be here until Monday, anyway. 🙂

We just revamped...

We just revamped our bearded dragon Teyla's house and I moved some stuff around and ended up putting some bricks on the floor temporarily. Nom tortoise is clucking at this small pile of bricks and mounting it. 😂😂😂 Dude. We always know when it's spring in my house. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Hello from my bald self. 😂😂😂

Hello from my bald self. 😂😂😂

My psoriasis has been getting progressively worse for the last few weeks.

My psoriasis has been getting progressively worse for the last few weeks. Currently the only places I don't have it are the palms of my hands and bottoms of my feet. Everywhere else is patchy and I'm so itchy and uncomfortable that it's hard to sleep at night. I know it will pass eventually and I'm grateful that it's not my bones, but DANG. I'm not having fun.

When I flare up I feel better without hair. So my sweet little Kira came over today and shaved my head for me. I took a shower and moisturized like crazy. I feel a little better since that. Hopefully whatever is causing my flare up will stop soon. I can't think of anything besides stress but it's really hard to pin down.

I hope you all are doing well. I'm trying. Goodnight, friends. ❤️

Shaun just made me the best spicy vegetable soup.

Shaun just made me the best spicy vegetable soup. I really appreciate the way he loves me, especially on days like this. ❤️

Today was better.

Today was better.  I got up off my butt after my last post and got to work.

I rearranged Nom's room (yes, the tortoise has a room - he shares it with the other reptiles, but he's the one who has free roam).  I took out Ceelo Green's birdcage since he's no longer with us.  I maximized floor space so Nom can stomp all over an EVEN BIGGER area.  😂  I have some things to finish in there which I will hopefully do this week, but I'm happy with my progress.

Since we got our monthly Amazon subscription shipment of dog and cat food today I cleaned off a shelf in Nom's room to store it.  It's a little weird not having to run to the store because we're almost out of animal food, but I like this better.  It gives me a feeling of security and it's a much smaller hassle than having to be like "Oops, the [animal] needs food and I need to remember it / run to the store / order it / whatever."  On a similar note - does anyone local need parakeet seed?  I had just bought a new package for Ceelo before he died so I have a good bit just sitting here unused.  It's free to anyone who needs it.

I also washed some small tanks (as in fish tanks) as well as 4 containers of gravel.  One of the tanks used to house my last betta.  I never got another after he passed away.  The other small tanks were for my marimo.  They are in a larger tank now, but I might move them back into the smaller ones.  I don't know.  It's not like they move on their own so they don't care how large their house is.  I have even considered putting them in like, jars, so I can just give them a swirl once in a while to keep them round.  I don't know, but I have options.

That probably doesn't sound like a lot of stuff, but it took several hours to do.  Especially washing the gravel.  There was so much gravel.  It's also not easy to clean / rearrange a room with a tortoise running at you and getting underfoot and / or scratching himself on your legs no matter what you're doing.  😂😂😂  Big baby needs more attention.  Heard you loud and clear, Nom.  Me and Kira are planning to wash the reptiles once I finish with their room.  He's probably going to love that!

Besides that the kids came over and helped with yard work.  Shaun cleaned the gutters and made us potatoes for dinner.  We ate together and watched a couple of shows.  All in all it was a good day.  I didn't sit around resenting the quiet.  I saw a man outside and only said "Bark bark bark bark" once.  🤣  Look, I know my girl and I know what she would have said.  Not having her here is a big adjustment so I'm filling in the gaps when it makes me feel better.

As for now I'm pretty tired but I jacked my nail polish up pretty bad with all of the gravel-washing so I think it's time to treat myself to some nail art.  So with that I am off to see what I feel like doing.  I hope you all made the most of your day.  If not, try again tomorrow.  That's all you can do.  Goodnight, friends.  ❤

My anxiety has been pretty bad the last few days.

My anxiety has been pretty bad the last few days. I'm guessing that losing Faith sent me spiraling - especially since we were never able to figure out what happened. After a brief reprieve I'm having nightmares again. I've woken up tense the last few days and yesterday was so bad that I very nearly got a migraine.

I don't feel great today, but I think I'm going to go and do things. Like, just work on my to-do list until I'm physically exhausted. That will give me a small sense of accomplishment and help burn some of this negative energy. It'll also keep my mind occupied. 

I hope you all are doing well. ❤️

Look at my precious baby sleeping.

Look at my precious baby sleeping. I love him so much.

After he woke up he was outside doing business when the mail lady delivered his food. He was so excited to meet a new person. She said she had an elderly dog, too. He looked like he would have gone with her. 😂 This one still likes to go places despite seeming to not be able to see or hear very well. He's just living his life. Naps and adventures. Sounds good to me. 💗

It's been cold and wet today.

It's been cold and wet today. That sucked, but I was snuggled and cuddled by everyone. We had a big old nap party on the couch. ❤️

We woke up early...

We woke up early so it's time for a nap, obviously. 😂 Why is this old snoring baby in a blanket giving me so much life? He's so precious I could die. 😭😭😭

Confession: We got takeout today.

Confession:  We got takeout today.

We haven't eaten out in ages; various things I've read have said that it's pretty safe, but we weren't risking it.  Despite going to bed by midnight last night I slept until 2 pm today and honestly wouldn't have gotten up then if Booka hadn't needed to go out.  I think my emotions are tiring me out.

Shaun and I cuddled and watched our shows.  I felt really down and we were getting hungry, but nothing sounded good.  Next thing I know Shaun is looking up Baja's number to order curbside.  That made me pretty happy.  When we got there to pick it up and I unexpectedly saw Danny's face (our favorite guy at Baja), I could have cried.  I have missed him so much and it was so good to just... gaze upon him.  I don't even care how ridiculous that sounds; it's the truth.  He talked to us briefly and said that he and his family were doing well so that is nice to hear.  I'm glad that they are keeping safe.

I haven't been this full in a long time.  We ate around 5:30 and I'm still stuffed.  No to brag, but I have lost 10 lbs since quarantine started without even trying.  Probably 10 lbs of Baja!  😂😂😂  I really do miss that place, but I hope everyone stays safe first and foremost.  I don't know what we'd do if anything happened to the restaurant or its staff.

Shaun was playing a game earlier and wouldn't let Adrian (1/10 of our cats) sit with him.

Shaun was playing a game earlier and wouldn't let Adrian (1/10 of our cats) sit with him.  She looked SUPER UPSET.  Now he's walking around the house looking for her to make it up to her.  He can't find her and it's bothering him.  They are now even.  😂😂😂

The worst cat.

The worst cat.

I didn't make it out of bed yesterday until 6...

I didn't make it out of bed yesterday until 6.  Six *PM.*  The last couple of days have taken their toll on me.

Faith is the early-riser in the house.  Was, I mean.  ... 🥺

Without her me and Booka can apparently sleep all day.  I'm sure I needed the rest, but yeah.  It's been EXCEPTIONALLY quiet and calm here.  Faith was the busy one.  Had to keep the cats in line.  Had to watch Booka eat.  Had to let us know she was out of water.  Had to go outside to pee often because she was on prednisone.  Always on the lookout for something that needed barking about.

I have gone from fostering dogs (having a max of 14 at one time [to my newer friends - check out my "Foster Kids" album if you really want to know me]) to giving my six amazing, aging forever dogs a break and some well-deserved "us" time, to my one little Booka Bear being the last man standing.  I know that Cubba and Rose live here, but they aren't "my" dogs.  Cubba was meant to be Kira's.  Rose belongs to Cubba.  If I could find either of them a good home they wouldn't be here.  They arrived long after my pack was complete and my heart was full.  I love and care for them, but we're not connected.

I feel guilty because they deserve more, but I can't give it.  I gave so much of myself for so long and I haven't been refilled.  I don't know if setting my focus on school changed me or if the agonizing loss of my pack over the last few years has hindered my capacity to give of myself.  Or it could be the mental breakdowns over the last 5 years and the medications that now hold me together.  I have no idea, but I know I am not the same.

I would still like to volunteer in rescue and foster again one day.  There is nothing like the feeling of helping someone in need; giving freely of yourself, simply CARING.  I've seen animals go from scared and hopeless to enjoying life.  I think that almost anyone can go through the motions (provide food, water, and shelter), but the secret ingredient is connection.  That makes it especially hard to give up an animal to their new forever family, but to me it's necessary for healing.  And I'm unfortunately not sure that I still have the ability to form new connections.  I feel like I've lost a part of myself somewhere along the way.

Forgive me; I'm just over here rambling.  But as I reflect on losing Faith I remember how she came to me - foster failure.  The six best friends of my life came to me during a time that I was open and helpful and connecting to life in a big way - giving and caring and changing lives.  I never searched any of them out and yet the best pack of mismatched mutts I never knew I wanted landed in my home and my heart.  I think I'm scared.  Scared that I'll never have this kind of love again.  Scared that because I'm different right now I don't deserve it.

My friend Joshua shared this...

My friend Joshua shared this and then proceeded to lay down some knowledge in the comments. I don't know how to share his version of the post rather than the original, but I'm adding screen shots of his comments here. Worth a read. It gave me a much - needed chuckle today. I love my animal people. They are my favorite. 😂❤️

Booka just had another accident in his bed.

Booka just had another accident in his bed. It's getting more frequent that he pees in his sleep areas. It only happens later in the day. I wonder if his mind is going. He's not acting like he does when he has a UTI.

😥

I appreciate all of the love sent my way today.

I appreciate all of the love sent my way today.  I'm sorry that I haven't responded yet; I've read all of your comments and I appreciate them, but I don't have it in me to react / reply personally just yet.

I didn't sleep much last night.  I sat up until almost 3 am studying and playing games... trying to distract myself from her being in the hospital.  I wouldn't have been able to sleep had I tried.  The call came early (6:30ish) that we'd lost Faith during the night.  Shaun came to my room, woke me up, and told me the news.  Then he held me while I tried to wake up / process what I was hearing.  I legit asked him if he was kidding because it just didn't make sense.

It's weird to feel so disoriented.  My first emotion was, as I posted early this morning, disbelief.  Then I got angry.  Not at Faith, not at the doctors, but just angry with nowhere to really direct it.  That sucks.  Then I felt nauseated - like I'd been punched in the gut.  I decided to get up and try to eat, and I did, but it didn't really help.  I spent most of the day in a weird daze, struggling to process what happened.  Sometimes crying, sometimes angry, talking it over and over with Shaun about how she was fine when we went to bed on Saturday night, "Did I cause this?  What happened?  Did something bite her?," replaying Saturday evening in my head trying to figure it out.  I can't.  I just do not know what happened.

Shaun and I cuddled together in the recliner, just being together in our sadness.  He is so patient with me.  I know it was not the most fun rehashing the last 48 hours over and over, but I had to.  He's assured me so many times that this couldn't have been my fault, but she was my responsibility and not knowing what went wrong is eating me up.  Since I don't know what happened I can't learn from this.  If something in my house caused this how can I protect Booka and the cats and tortoises from it?  I have no answers and I am not ok.

We eventually napped for a while and then left to retrieve her body at 3 pm.  On the way to the vet the sadness really hit full force.  Seeing her body, getting that lovely paw print from AMC of which I am collecting far too many... I had no choice but to accept that she is gone.  Though I'd cried off and on all day that's when the ugly crying really started.

I am sad, y'all.  I am really, really sad.  I have missed her all day.  I got dressed without anyone tugging my clothes and waving their big, goofy, good-morning open mouth at me.  When the cats got in a scuffle earlier, nothing happened.  I waited a beat then said "Bark bark bark."  Shaun kind of half-smiled and squeezed my arm.  Faith always tried to keep the cats in line.  When I was making my dinner she wasn't there asking for me to share.  When I take my antianxiety tonight and in the morning she won't be waiting next to me for her daily meds, too.

This has been a big, sudden, confusing, bad loss.  I'll be ok eventually.  I survived losing the rest of my pack and I'll get through this, too.  But for now I'm grieving real hard and processing the best I can. Please know that I love and appreciate all of you.  Do me a favor and hug your loved ones because you really never know what tomorrow brings.  ❤

Pardon me, but what the fuck?

Pardon me, but what the fuck? She didn't make it.

I feel like I didn't think she would die without me or I wouldn't have left her. We are devastated that she died alone.

Deep down I thought she'd be ok with some fluids after getting the anaphylaxis under control. Worst case in my head was that we had to make the tough choice to let her go and we'd be there for her. I honestly didn't think it could be worse... and then suddenly it was.

Life just suckerpunched me.

I... I'm angry. I have so many feelings right now. I don't even know how to process this.

For real, though. 😂😂😂

For real, though.  😂😂😂

The one bright thing in the midst of this turmoil with my sick puppy is Shaun.

The one bright thing in the midst of this turmoil with my sick puppy is Shaun.  When I went to his room at 4 in the morning and told him something was wrong with Faith he got up right away and helped me care for her all night.  He made her a pallet in the floor when she was too hot for the couch.  He took her outside and helped her back in when she gave out before making it into the house.  He brought fresh water to her and tried to coax her to drink.  When she wanted on the couch he picked her up here and tucked her in with me so we could be together.  I petted her for hours until she got back in the floor to cool off.  She seemed a little better so we dozed.  When Shaun woke back up before me he checked on her then woke me up and told me to find a vet.  It was a long and sad night, but I am so grateful to have someone like him by side to go through it with.

Obviously I am sad and stressed today.

Obviously I am sad and stressed today.  When I went to bed last night I had no indication that something could be wrong with my old puppy.  It is so crazy how fast things can change.

This morning was full of confusion.  Being a Sunday I knew that most vets were not open.  My go-to for weekends / emergencies is Animal Medical Center, but their website said they weren't open and when I called I got the same message.  Thanks to a friend I ended up calling their emergency number and they were able to see Faith right away.  But due to the pandemic they came to our car to get information and then took her inside without us.  We spoke to the doctor over the phone.  I am not upset at the social distancing protocols, but I really hated being away from my old puppy with her not doing well.

As I posted a little earlier there's been no change in her condition.  She's got a fever and is on antibiotics and under a fan with a cooling pack.  She's on fluids for dehydration.  They are giving her Benadryl because whatever is happening resembles an allergic reaction.  Other than that they don't really have any answers and the doctor wasn't sure what other tests to do besides the bloodwork and stomach x-ray that they did earlier.  So I'm not feeling too optimistic at the moment.  😭

Faith has been with me for 12 years.  She was a foster failure.  Too goofy and goat-like for anyone to adopt her.  She'd go to the PetSmart adoption days and perch on the cat towers.  She sounds like a seal when she barks and often looks like she's been dubbed over because she moves her lips before and after her sounds come out.  🤣  I remember the day I brought her home I bent over to tie my shoe and the next thing I know she's sitting on my back.  😂😂😂  She has always been my goof and has gotten me through a lot of hard times with her antics.  I'm not ready to imagine life without her.

I've been without her all day and it's been super quiet around here.  No excitement.  No "help" putting on my clothes in the morning (she was never one to play with other dogs or people, but first thing in the morning she'll tug my clothes playfully).  I haven't "birthed a puppy" because she's not here to pop her head between my legs when I'm up and about.  No one is keeping the cats in order.  No one is barking at noises outside (or our reflection in the blank TV screen  🤣).  I'm just not a fan of this and hope that she turns a corner overnight.

I just needed to get my feelings out.  I'll update in the morning when I hear from the vet.  Thank you to all of my friends for being so supportive.  You are much appreciated.

I just checked in on Faith.

I just checked in on Faith.  Nothing has changed.  Fever, weak, on IV meds.  I was really hoping for more positive news. 😢

Shaun was approved for Care Credit.

Shaun was approved for Care Credit. Faith will be staying overnight. Paws crossed it helps.

If anyone has a work from home job that I can do, please let me know. I'm officially searching.

There's a lot going on with Faith and she needs to be hospitalized.

There's a lot going on with Faith and she needs to be hospitalized. She does appear to be having an allergic reaction and she's dehydrated. Liver is swollen and values aren't great from steroid use. They want to keep her overnight, but that's $1100 we don't have. They can give her fluid under the skin and Benadryl and send her home, but they're pretty sure we'd be back later. I am not ready for this day. 😭

I need a vet and I can't find anyone open.

I need a vet and I can't find anyone open. Can anyone help me? Please? Please DM me for my number or call me on Messenger. I'm really worried about Faith.

Edit:  AMC isn't open. If they open today, (which I'm not sure they will), it will be at 10. Their site says they're not doing emergency hours every day. First place I thought of, but thank you.

Edit again:  We're headed to AMC. I called emergency and they are seeing us even though Google and their website said otherwise. Thank you.

We're not having a great night.

We're not having a great night. We went to bed hours ago and Faith has been RESTLESS; so much that I haven't even been able to fall asleep yet because she hasn't, either. 🙁 I took her for water and to see if she needed outside, but nope. One side of her face is swollen and she's trembling. It looks like she's having an allergic reaction to something, but what - I could not tell you. We got some Benadryl in her and are sitting up with her. If the meds don't help we'll be heading to the vet.

She's resting now. Trembling, but finally being still for the first time in hours. I sure hope my old lady will be ok.

I feel excited.

I feel excited. I'm OFFICIALLY finished with my Computer Science degree!

I did a thing! 🥳😁

Two more math classes and I'll have my double major! 🤓